Husband’s FOMO

[Brush17]

My DH works shifts in an airport, including nights. I also have FT job (normal 9-5).

my issue is that he seems to pursue his own life outside work at all costs (both financially and metaphorically). Right now he’s been at a stag do for 6 days, and before that went out three nights in ten days - and worked four others.

If an opportunity to go out comes up, he will bend heaven and earth to go. He has the most severe FOMO of anyone I’ve ever met. If he’s due to be working and someone arranges an event he will book leave, swap shifts, work overtime to get time back: you name it, he’ll do it. It can - genuinely - take him hours of logistics work to arrange things so that he is off work for a social event. If he has to miss out (very rare) he sulks.

I meanwhile have to stay at home with the kids and basically end up using this time alone to do all the housework. I don’t enjoy TV so I tend to just keep myself busy.

Since having children I feel like I have very few friends. In fact, I have two friends of the sort I would call to ask for a drink, but one is a single mum (so can’t go out herself easily) and one lives 2 hours away so I’ve not been able to see her in person for several months. DH’s shift work means I’m rarely able to go to events with school mums so, although they’re nice, I haven’t been able to make proper friendships with them. I’ve tried joining a book club but I couldn’t attend on a regular day each month because of his shifts being so unpredictable, so I missed too many and lost my place. He would never stop me going out, or complain, but I don’t really get the opportunity.

I - honestly - want him to have his own life. I don’t want us to live in each other’s pockets. But I’m really lonely, bored, and resentful that he has so much fun and I don’t. I suppose i feel sad that he doesn’t have fun with me anymore.

AIBU to feel like this?

Not everyone's cup of tea admittedly but can you join a gym that runs class-type sessions? Thinking CrossFit/orange theory/ f45?
They tend to have classes running at varying times through the day, every day and you can pick and choose which you go for. Some have an office/room they let you take kids for the hour too if needed, or run joint kids classes.
I picked up CrossFit and the social side is amazing, probably the most important part for me now. Fitness is a bonus!
As I said, not for everyone though I understand!
Other than that - definitely tell you OH you need some space and how it's impacting you. Not okay!

I read the first paragraph and thought well of course he can't have children but you do! And he uses his leave to go out, goes on 6 day stag dos, out all the time.
I think he is avoiding family life, I wonder how it feels for his children that he prioritises his FOMO and therefore social lif over them. Of course you should have an even social life and he needs to help facilitate that too.

You can’t afford a babysitter because he regularly goes away solo! Any events that come up that you might like to go to is put on the calendar and you tell him you expect him to rearrange work so you can go. If he won’t he’s telling you you just don’t matter.

honestly before this conversation I’d consider asking your mum if you can stay a week. Then one day he gets home and you’re gone. Then you have the conversation that he moves heaven and earth to go out to anything, he doesn’t even get to go oh I see you every day- he just makes no effort to see you or to have you get some time off, and if both time with you and your time off isn’t prioritised a hell of a lot more then you need to look very seriously about a whole relationship change, perhaps without him.

@DustyLee123

I’m sure not all their money is “family money”. Urgh I hate the phrase family money

I couldn't live like this. You are effectively a single parent but with the added stress of a husband who sucks time and money away from you - you'd probably find you had a lot more of both of you were solely responsible for your own household and could organise your life without him throwing random spanner's in the works. A 6 day stag costs hundreds, possibly a couple of thousands! It's really really selfish for him to spend like this at regular intervals.
You should add up how much he's spending every year on his own social life!

The answer isn't for you to do exactly the same - the problem is that he wants to be everywhere else except home. This is ltb territory for me.

If he is so good at organising getting to nights out by swapping shifts and taking leave - he can also sort the childcare arrangements for the dc.

You sort yourself out with nights out and let him know you'll be out - then if he wants to go away etc well he needs to sort out the childcare - after all they are his children

look on the website meet ups in your area and see if there are any groups doing stuff you might enjoy. Some groups are just social for woman getting together and others are for book clubs or for cinema trips. It gives you a social life without having to ask a friend to go with you as a group will go along

And tbh, if I was the OPs mum or sister I'd resent having to help out regularly with childcare because her selfish husband was opting out of his responsibility. He made those kids and is 50% responsible for their care - that should be the default starting position. So his free time out of work should be calculated after he's done his 50% of childcare.

The first easy thing you could do is to ask your mum to stop helping when it only helps him. He shouldn’t be failing to do his half and also sucking up the only support you have.

You need to stop being such a passive doormat. Take charge of things. Book evenings off. Go to the cinema alone if you have to. No medals for being a martyr.
He may then see the imbalance in your family life.

You will have to be proactive with this now.

‘It’ll mean she can’t help him with pre-night shift child care but tough. ‘

Yep. Your mum should not be facilitating his life. He has had it too easy with two women running around him so he gets to work and play when he wants.

YANBU - I completely get it. I’m lucky that I have a few close friends and we can go out and socialise but we’ve all had babies this year so we’re understanding if things crop up - we know it’s not our time for holidays and trips just yet BUT OUR TIME IS COMING HAHA!

Maybe you could designate 1-2 nights a week and join a gym or get an odeon unlimited pass and go the cinema. If you can afford to - book some hair/nail appts in - sometimes a gossip with the person doing the service does you the world of good.

Great advice given already and I'm really glad you've decided to be more assertive.

If there isn't anyone to go out with on a particular day/evening, i would still put something on the calendar for you even if it's not strictly true. Like 'walk with friends' and go OUT even if on your own for a coffee and a walk. Or 'coffee with mum friends ' and organise your own get together with school mums. Don't wait to be invited and for dh to be around! Tell him you've organised a day out and he needs to be home.

Can you look into getting a few hour's a week evening job so it gets you out of the house and it might be a way of meeting new friends.

You need to be less available, basically. Right now he is seeing you as a domestic appliance who's always there to provide a service. You need time to yourself just as much as he does, maybe even more.

Also, does he not get fomo about missing precious time with you, his own family? Children are little for such a short time.

And you both need equal fun money! I would absolutely insist on this. He needs to learn to respect you as an equal in the relationship, who is entitled to half of all available leisure time and money.

6 day stag do when you have a wife and young kids, 3 nights out in one week? Totally unreasonable. You should have a proper talk with him. He's prioritising drinking and mates over his family.

The real FOMO he should be worried about is spending time with his wife and children.

Just think how many babysitters you could hire for a 6 day stag trip, he's a proper cf

If you struggle to pay for a babysitter and your dh is going on a 6 day stag do (which is likely to be 1000s if £££s) and going out most evenings you have more to worry about that being more assertive and going out yourself.

Take a photograph of him, next time you see him and then get it printed and pop it in your children bedroom in a frame with a note written;

This is your dad, sorry he is missing out on your childhood but at least a photo of him will let you know what he looks like

Sad he has no fear of missing out on his children childhood.....

What a man child. Time to stop facilitating him behaving like a single man with no commitments OP.

If there is money for 6 day stag dos then there is money for a babysitter once or twice a month so you can go to book club. He is getting all the pie and you get no pie. Time for pie proportions to change.

Time to look at finances too, you should each have the same hobby, activity and socialising budget - he seems to be spending far far more than you. Babysitters should be a shared cost before he starts saying you have to pay for it out of your share on spending money!!

He is living like a man without children and financial responsibilities let alone a wife he should want to spend time with.

What the hell is going on here, OP?

He isn’t a partner. He isn’t being a dad. He is a complete waste of space.

it sounds like everything else comes before you and the kids.

Do you have access to the same amount of fun money as he does?
Do you get the same amount of leisure time as he does?

If not, why not? How has this happened? How have you just become the maid at home and the nanny and he is off doing whatever the hell he wants, without any thought to responsibilities. How can you even find this guy attractive? He sounds thoroughly unattractive to me. Selfish and stupid.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think I have been unfair to him tbh - he's actually a pretty hands-on dad during the day. Apologies if I was misleading about that. It's the evenings which are the problem, when the kids are in bed and I'm left on my todd. Week long stag dos aside, obviously.

I do most of the housework because I'm just at home more - I really can't stand sitting watching TV, so when I'm alone I just do it for something to do. I don't think the workload is evenly split (and the mental load definitely isn't) but domestically it's nothing out of the realms of "normal".

Money wise we do have access to the same money. He spends all of his "fun money" on socialising, I spend it on stuff for my hobbies (which are home-based, crafty things that I do when he's not home). However it is fair to say that he spends more on big-ticket socialising like this stag do, so that is something I need to address.

So it's not so much about housework, parenting or money, but about me having the space and time to socialise myself - i.e. him being in the house in the evenings to look after the children. I think someone has hit the nail on the head in the comments that he seems to live a student lifestyle, despite being in his 40s. So I suppose it's a two-sided issue that I am not assertive enough and he takes advantage of that for his own interests and socialising.

I think a good chat is needed. Once he's over the hangover.

He does stop you going out though, by not being available to look after the children. It sounds like you are a single parent, whilst being married.

I don't think you have been unfair to him. In fact you are letting him get away with murder.

He isn't being fair.

If he wants to live the life of a single make then he shouldn't have got married or had kids.

He is only able to go out so much because you're at home all the time doing the housework and looking after the DCs.

The odd night out is fine but what's the point of being married if you don't spend time together with your DW and are always hankering to be out on the piss with your mates