I dated a man whilst Husband and I split

[bigmistake12]

This is a really long story so I'll keep it as short as possible, I've also changed username.

DH and I suffered years of infertility, we did IVF etc to no avail. I have endometriosis and I fell into a deep depression. I refused help to the point where DH didn't know what to do to help me anymore, I wouldn't get out of bed, see a dr, go to counselling. I just wanted to die.

He left me, for his own sanity, I understand how difficult it was now for him to walk away but at the time I felt abandoned and heartbroken.

I moved in with my parents for a year, I stayed as an inpatient for my depression after 2 suicide attempts in a psychiatric hospital where I finally got the help I needed.

DH kept in touch to see how I was doing etc.

When I came out, I think I just lost my head a little bit and I met a man on Tinder. He was lovely to begin with then I realised he had massive anger issues (I didn't know he was using steroids and cocaine on nights out with friends and I've never touched drugs, massive no no for me) and it got to the point where one night he was in such a bad mood that I had to sit in his bath pretending I had bad period pain until I heard him snoring. I text my aunt to let her know his address and said if I hadn't text her by 10am to say that I was back at my parents then please come to his house or call me to make out there was a family emergency and I had to go home. I went to bed and when he left for work that morning I packed my stuff and never went back. Over the next couple of months I received quite nasty texts from him and I thanked my lucky stars I saw sense and left when I did.

When I was with him, he'd do little things and I'd think "DH would never have spoke to me like that/did that" and found myself missing him more than ever.

After it ended, DH asked if I'd like to try marriage counselling. We did and worked at it for months and came back stronger than ever. We moved back in together and I've recently given birth to our beautiful miracle DD. We are happier than ever, counselling helped him understand my depression and anxiety from my childhood, and it helped me understand that it wasn't easy for him to live with.

He's never found out about the guy I was seeing, I thought I could put it to the back of my mind but since having our daughter, it plays on my mind so much. The guilt is horrible. I didn't cheat, we weren't together but I've heard from his friends that he was in a really bad place when he left me and they knew we'd end up back together because he wasn't interested in anyone or anything but me and how I was doing.

I'm not sure what I do, my Dad and Stepmum obviously know about other guy as I was staying at his whilst living with them. They warned me off but ultimately they could see that I had a "new lease of life" as such as and my Dad loves my DH and always hoped we'd be back together one day so he was relieved when I never saw other guy again.

Like k said, we are better than ever. I feel supported, we have date nights now, I enjoy going on days out with him which I never did as I didn't want to leave the house, he's a fantastic dad and Husband and I realise now what I would have lost permanently if he'd of found out.

Do I tell him? And deal with the repercussions? Do I forget it and forgive myself and move on with my family? It's eating my alive and I don't know what to do for the best.

You can't tell him to make yourself feel better. Chalk it up as part of your illness and move on.

I understand your point, I just feel like I'm living a lie by not telling him about what happened and he doesn't deserve that. It's the biggest regret of my life and I honestly don't know what I was thinking other than I was utterly heartbroken and got caught up in the excitement and attention.

I don't think we'd be able to come back from the fact that I didn't tell him asap and when we were in counselling and to split my family up over a terrible mistake and point in my life fills me with horror. He absolutely dotes on our DD and he makes a point of sitting for an hour every week to discuss how I'm feeling/if I need more support etc. our communication is amazing now and drs finally have me on the right antidepressants. I've never felt better, even with a 4 week old. Life feels like a dream, this is all I've ever wanted. I know deep down I need to keep quiet but how do I forgive myself?!

Chalk it up to the past and move on OP. Enjoy your beautiful DD and renewed relationship with DH. It was a blip, you weren’t together. Seek counselling if necessary.

I think I might go back to counselling anyway as having a daughter has bought back awful memories of the CSA I suffered at the hands of my mum's drug dealers. I'm petrified somebody will hurt her. So I don't think this would be a bad idea anyway. Thank you.

I think this is a good point. People often do this to make themselves feel better even though it's worse for the recipient of the information. Forget about it. The time for telling him has gone.

Forget about it and focus on the present, you're in a good place so why try and sabotage that? It's not fair to knowingly hurt someone to absolve yourself of guilt. If you were going to tell him the time would've been when you first discussed getting back together. That ship has sailed.

I'd usually say tell him/her, but morally you didn't do anything wrong and telling him would only cause harm to him and your DD. He deserves not to know.

If he was interested he would've asked if you saw someone during the break up. I would just forget about it as you still have a lot to deal with.

It seems there is a chance he will find out given all the people who knew that are still in your life. You can't ask them to lie or keep a secret for you.

You were still married and the instant you had a chance you went on apps and got with other men. That isn't really related to having depression. It could be related to the childhood sexual abuse and trauma you had but it was still your decision to do.

I know people on here will always tell you to never tell anything, keep it to yourself (even with cheating while married and together) but you are the one who has to decide what you want to do. Do you want to live with this anxiety of knowing he can find out any day from someone else - that will likely end the marriage for sure. Or you can talk to a therapist to discuss it and see how might be the best way to tell him that would do the least damage.

OP it’s doubtful your DH was celibate for the 12 months you were split. Do you want to know about his dates?

I don't understand the 'don't tell him' posts.

He could easily find out at any time from someone else with just an accidental slip of the tongue? He'd left you so you were a free agent at the time, and suffering greatly, feeling abandoned by him.

So what if you met someone else, even sought out someone else? If you try to keep this secret then what is that going to do to your head long term?

The other man just made you realise what you had lost with your lovely DH. If he had turned out to be a huge deal then you might well feel you legitimately have something to hide, but he wasn't. He was a lucky escape, and I'm not sure that your brief affair with him constitutes a secret that merits being important enough to hide if you see what I mean.

Your DH would be so much more hurt if he finds out accidentally and he won't be able to listen properly to your side then, as he will think you are hiding something from him, crucially because there is something worth hiding.

Don't underestimate the psychological impact of being abandoned by your husband especially in the state you were in at the time. You might understand intellectually why he left in retrospect, but your emotions would have been overwhelmingly fucked up at the time as you were very vulnerable and DH by leaving you played his part in that.

You understand him and where he was coming from at the time, now he needs to understand the full impact it had on you, so carefully address this issue and then you can get on with life in the present. (Very carefully, but still do it for your sake.)

Her DH did exactly what the advice is on here all the time. To leave when someone's mental health is having a major impact on you and they won't do anything to deal with it. He didn't abandon her. He got himself out of what was a very unhealthy and potentially harmful situation - and as I said, it is what is ALWAYS told to posters to do themselves.

Op choosing to get with someone else is 100% on her. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. He didn't make her do it. Do we really want to start making someone else resposible for how another person feels and acts. That someone's anger and abusive actions are the fault of the person who made them feel that way? That is a very dangerous road to go down.

I do agree that if there is nothing to hide, given they were both on board with a separation and had no intention at the time of getting back togetehr and this was rthe marriage ending, that keeping it from him as though it was wrong and that it is something to hide will majorly backfire.

What are the chances he will find out from someone else?

Your op doesn't give a time frame for all this or a sense of if you both stayed locally or you moved away while you were apart. If he always hoped and waited for reunification and if you stayed locally to him I expect he knows , if he hasn't directly asked you I don't think he wants to know/doesn't care. You'd broken up, you were dreadfully ill. You've moved on.

I don't think you're just going to be able to forget this OP - I don't think I'd be able to keep it a secret either, and I wouldn't want to.

However I agree that I don't get the blame posts either - the person you trusted most in the world left you, presumably after a lifetime of trust issues because of your mum, and you were recovering from depression. You didn't do anything "wrong" to date someone new.

Can I suggest personal therapy to focus on your issues and needs first?

Then you can plan the most sensitive way of telling him if you choose to? It might be at that point that couples therapy again could be helpful, maybe even with your original therapist?

It would be cruel to tell him now. I think you need to forgive yourself and move on. He left you, and while it was the right thing to do at the time, you had every right to try and have a life. Put it in the past and yes, see a counselor if possible.

And congratulations on your baby girl and getting your life back, better than ever! Focus on that.

Sorry I'm sure on timelines but as long as there was mo crossover in dates and your dh is definitely your daughter's father then I wouldn't tell him, he doesn't need to know. And honestly, the fact he hasn't asked whether you ever saw another guy suggests he doesn't want to know.

I would be honest with him. Because if he found out later that lots of people knew about this man but he didn't it could cause a lot of upset.
How did this not come out during marriage counselling?
You're in a good place now. Your communication is good. Tell him. Maybe he saw someone else too.

Im not for lieing but …forget about that episode in your life, you and your husband have found normality again you have a child - bringing that mess up is not worth the upset and stress it can cause.

I think too, frogive yourself,your husband did leave you and you were in a bad place,mistakes were made,he made one too by leaving you when he should have been through your pain with you.

You need to forgive yourself. I think counselling would be a good idea, to help you work through all the things you mention above too. I don't know if it helps, but I know i've read good things about the book "forgive for good" by Dr. Fred Luskin (might be worth a read if you can't refer for support quickly). You're human, and you've been through a really tough time, and you coped with it as best you could at the time. It's natural that you're feeling this guilt, but please know you don't need to carry it, and you have done nothing wrong. You deserve a massive heap of self compassion, and should feel so proud of yourself for getting through that time to the place you are now.

I know it must feel like a horrible weight to carry, and the indecision of whether to tell DH or not, and the potential repercussions of that, must be really hard to deal with. Only you know him, and how he might react. It's a tough situation, and I know i would feel the same as you, like i'm being dishonest. I don't know the answer and ultimately you have to follow your heart and your gut. You haven't done anything wrong, and you don't deserve to be punished for something that happened when you weren't together and were in a bad place yourself. If that is something DH can handle without blame and with empathy and compassion, and working through it will make your marriage stronger, then I would want to tell him, but if not, there is nothing wrong with keeping it quiet

You have been through a lot and you are very vulnerable to PND a with your history and MH profile.

You are 4 weeks post-partum which is prime time for PND to arise - and I suspect the recent arrival of these intrusive thoughts are the start of this.

Concentrate on the ‘here and now’ - get to see your GP / MW / HV and do everything you can to prevent / minimise / treat PND.

Concentrate on your current MH and what needs to be supported by professionals to keep you focused on these crucial weeks and months with your new baby.

I am going against the majority here and I think you should've told him straight away . But I do think.you should tell him . I have been married 41 years and I know I can't lie to my husband . I suppose if he hasn't asked you then you aren't lying to him . But if it was ever discussed you would have to tell him .So it's probably better to get it out of the way .It was a terrible time for you and you fully regret it if anything it made you appreciate your DH more . Perhaps if you have further counselling that will help you to phrase it to him . Just wishing you and your little family the best .

Very good advice.