WIBU to go on holiday for a week and leave my mum?

[Busybeezs]

Background: I'm currently supporting my mum who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She is receiving palliative care and treatment but isn't going anywhere imminently, to the best of my understanding.

As you'd imagine, she's quite poorly and frail and is feeling really low. She doesn't need much in the way of practical help (convinced her to get a cleaner) but she does need emotional support. I go up to her house (30 mins from me) 6 days a week, and on the one day I don't go my auntie visits.

She lives with my dad (bad relationship) who is physically disabled so can't support a great deal practically and is less than helpful emotionally.

Now to the AIBU: I work FT and am currently 23 weeks pregnant. I cancelled two holidays for March and June when mum was diagnosed so I could take her to treatment every day and be there for her. She has finished treatment right now and is suffering some side effects which, unfortunately, can't be helped - She just needs to ride it out. I am utterly exhausted, emotional and struggling. I have a wonderfully supportive husband but my very small family (only child) means that every appointment, consultation and phone call has to be managed by me. I took a week off AL this week to try to rest and wound up more exhausted than before because of all the things that have cropped up re mums health. Would I be unreasonable to try to take a weeks holiday before I am unable to travel any more? This would be my.last chance to travel alone with my husband before baby arrives and honestly, I could do with a break.... however, I am wracked with guilt and concern regarding what would happen if mum.took ill when I was away. It would mean she would have no visitors and no support, especially if she wound up in hospital. Equally, by that point she could have really picked up and I could be sat at home gutted to have missed my.chance to have a rest before my baby comes. Would you take the risk and go (YANBU), or would you stay safe and remain at home (YABU)?

Go

Yes go. Ask your aunt to step up. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Go, but I’d also see if there are any befriending services. Age concern might have one or a cancer specific one. Knowing she is going to get a few friendly phone calls might help. You are going to have to stop visiting every day very soon and won’t be able to do it when you have a newborn. So may as well start to put a support system around her now.

YANBU. Go on holiday.

This absolutely

Go you need the rest. You’re no good burnt out to your mum, Yourself or your baby.

Your dad and aunt should be shouldering some of the burden tbh rather than lumping 90% of it on the pregnant working one.

Absolutely go on holiday. And as PP said once you have a newborn, you physically won't be able to go see your mum everyday so implementing support now would be very helpful long term for you both

Thanks for this, it's a really nice idea. She actually has lots of friends but she has withdrawn a lot - her cancer has affected her speech which makes speaking on the phone difficult. She has 2 friends who she will let visit her, but she's quite embarrassed by how poorly she is and doesn't want people 'to see her like this'. It's really heartbreaking.

My auntie absolutely would step up, I think, but she isn't hugely organised or savvy. If mum took ill I can't imagine my auntie understanding her complex medical history or reporting things back accurately (I have folders and notebooks with everything recorded, I know her meds, BP readings, doctors, A&E visits etc off the top of my head whereas auntie doesn't even fully understand what kind of cancer mum has).

Leave the notepad or a copy of it there while you away and let it leave your mind as much as you can.

This.

If your Mum's medical history and Aunt's lack of organisation or memory is what bothers you, then type out a 'One page profile' of what you think is most important to be left in your Mum's house, by the phone or on a noticeboard.

Thank you, this is really good advice. If I decide to go, I will absolutely do this. I'm just dreading speaking to my mum about it because she will undoubtedly want me to go despite whether she feels strong enough to manage a week alone. She's previously said she lives for me and my husband coming round and taking her out and the idea of taking this tiny pleasure from her breaks me.

Fit your own oxygen mask first.

You can't look after anyone else if you don't take care of yourself.

You have to go OP.
anyone who has been in the same situation, or has an ounce of compassion would urge you to go.

Go

It's not the whole solution, but it might be worth looking at whether your local hospice has any day services which she could attend.

Hospices aren't just for the very end of life- all of the ones I've worked at have had great things on for people living with a palliative condition - activities, support groups, social connections, complementary therapy etc.

A lot of people find it really helpful, especially meeting people in a similar situation - often they feel less isolated. Many have volunteer drivers if transport is an issue.

Just something to consider in case you didn't know already.

Absolutely go on the holiday, all the best with the rest of your pregnancy .

I'm really sorry OP, but I'm afraid I disagree with what everyone else is saying, in as much as if anything were to happen to your Mum while you're away, you will NEVER forgive yourself for not being there. Maybe the others who have commented so far haven't lost their Mum, or perhaps they're not as close as I was to mine, but the way I see it, you'll hopefully, have years and years to have holidays, with or without children, but when your Mum has gone, that's it. No going back and making up for lost opportunities, or time spent together. I appreciate that you're exhausted, pregnant and still working F/T, but couldn't you just have some time off without actually going away? I'm afraid I also can't understand why people are saying you won't be able to do it when you have a baby to care for. People have looked after elderly parents, children and even babies over the centuries, so why shouldn't you?

This is my concern. I don't think mum will pass away when I'm away (we aren't at that stage) but I'm worried she will have a dip when I'm away or feel down/abandoned, and I don't want to do that to her.

I did try to stay off and rest this week, but it was actually more exhausting than being in work because I felt that rather than going up for 2/3 hours a day in the evening, I had to be with her all day every day - because I had no reason not to be. There was more admin, more emotional support and far less rest. I don't begrudge this at all, but I'm.struggling to see how to have a rest without being physically away from her. Maybe thats just fair.

The way I see it OP, is that if you take a week off work, and just explain to your mum that you're exhausted and need to rest at home, she'll be happy with that, because she will know that you're around if she really needs you. You don't have to go there every day, but you will both, have the peace of mind of knowing you can get to her quickly if she needs you. Whereas if you actually go on holiday, you probably won't actually rest as much as you should, and may be a long way away, should you be needed.

Go! My dp's mum had terminal cancer, it was a quick deterioration (6months from fit and health to end of life). We had a pre-booked holiday we decided to go on anyway as she was unwell but stable. We had a lovely relaxing break, just what we all needed. We did discuss canceling and my dp said there was nothing he could do for him mum and he was content to go on holiday.

Unfortunately dmil died around 10 days after we got home. Although she was very unwell it was still sudden. We have no regrets about that holiday as the caring was really taking it's toll, it meant dp could reset and be properly there for his mum when he got home in her final days.

Go have your holiday.

This sounds reasonable, and it is what should have happened this week but didn't - and won't. If I'm here, my time isn't my own. I don't begrudge it, but honestly I would be just as stressed sitting at home knowing I could be there and I'm not. My auntie also wouldn't step up if I was at home so the daily 'bits' would still fall to me.

The only thing that frustrates me about this is that it winds up not just being my time, but my husbands time also - he took time off to rest too, and instead of just being me who is exhausted it is a case of him being exhausted too. It actually took more out of us than an average week. Its hard to draw boundaries when you do have the time and you are available.

I have the opposite perspective to @UpaladderwatchingTV.

My mother was admitted to hospital in a coma (very complicated medical situation). I was very fortunate in that my employer allowed me to essentially change my entire work pattern at the drop of a hat and move down to her house (she was widowed but had cats) and be there for her. It helped that she lived within commuting distance of London - long before the days of WFH.

After a month or so of this my wife organised a few days away for the two of us for my birthday. My mother died the day of my birthday, very quickly of a pulmonary embolism.

I do not feel at all guilty. On the one hand her death was completely unpredictable and it was quite possible that I wouldn't have been there at the time, nor would there have been anything like the time for me to get there - seconds and minutes, and secondly I knew I had done everything I could to support her.

And another thing. I was with my wife when she died of cancer. She died very peacefully in a hospice and I have no idea whether she was even aware of my presence in her last hours.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from but it sounds to me OP that you've been very supportive during your mother's illness so I think you have no reason to feel bad about addressing your own very real needs.

Whatever you decide I wish you well 🌺.

Book the break, and make sure you have good insurance in case you need to cancel.

Some hospices will offer respite care for a week or two. Ask the cancer nurse about; she could have a week of people to talk to and different things to see and do.

Get MacMillan involved too?

Don’t do it. I lived with my disabled MIL from my first marriage to help care for her and she developed terminal cancer. We were desperate to get away because we were exhausted and the doctor told us she had weeks still.

We went and she died that day. So we came back again. Ex-H has never forgiven himself and I still feel guilty even though this was years ago

Many of us have lost parents and not been there when they died. I am sad about that, but also aware sometimes people hold on until they are alone.