To not join in with this on Fathers Day

[longerspring]

Parents have invited me and my sister, our DHs and DN for a meal this year to celebrate Fathers Day. Sister is passive aggressive and unpleasant to put it mildly, loves the spotlight on her and hers and neither of us enjoy time in her company in fact often leave feeling rubbish. Fathers Day is my only day off next weekend and I don’t want to spend it in a pub restaurant. We lost a pregnancy recently and nobody but DM knows about that and she seems not to really understand how that can hurt on days like that.

Wondering if we are BU not going considering all this, as DH would be the only one there not to be a father yet himself and we’ll make it up to dad by taking him out for dinner another time and will take round card and his favourite ale anyway as we live in the next town

There’s guaranteed to be judgement if we opt out of this and I don’t want dad to feel disappointed, he’s great but I’d just prefer to celebrate separately. Is it reasonable to leave them to it? Probably overthinking this

Just say no

I know there will be judgement that’s the thing

Let them judge. You know your truth.

So you need to either accept the judgment and ignore it. Or go.

That’s true.

That’s true, hard to see it that way but I think I must just be too much of a people pleaser

Could you say you already have plans with your inlaws?

'That’s true, hard to see it that way but I think I must just be too much of a people pleaser'

Recovering people pleaser here. You need to start focusing on what you and DH actually want and need, not what others are expecting of you. It is ok for other people to feel disappointed - it's not the end of the world, and you can't control it. Yes, some people will be judgemental of your decision - again, you can't control that. You don't exist just to name other people happy. They don't know your whole story, so let them crack on with judging

I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go to this event. Please don't feel obligated to turn up and play your part 'like a good girl'. Tell your dad you want to celebrate with him another time and then get that date in the diary

Sorry read my message back and I think it might have come across as quite short.

To be clear, I think you should do the first. Accept they will judge, but ignore it and let it go. You can’t change their actions. You can try and control your own reaction.

Do what’s best for you.

Don't go, you need to care less about other people's opinions of you and how you look after yourself.

It's not people pleasing to do something nice for your dad on Father's Day. Your mum and dad have invited you, so this is how your dad wants to celebrate. You can avoid your awful sister for the 364 days but personally I would be able to suck it up for the duration of one meal at my dad's invitation.

To get out of it you either have to lie or tell the truth (I can't bear being with my sister for a few hours) and either will hurt your dad even if he doesn't show it.

I know mn feels that you should never do something that you don't really want to do, not even answering the door sometimes, but in rl there are times when it's better to do so imo.

And I'm so sorry about losing your pregnancy. Fathers Day is a painful day for lots of people but not everyone understands that x

I am genuinely sorry for your loss.

I don't mean that in a bad way, but if you are old enough to have children, you are old enough to make decisions that will "cause judgements". Who cares about the judgment?

I hope you have the child you want to have, but when he's here, you will be drowning in unsolicited advice and judgement about everything. Absolutely ignore!

Thank you for this. Strength to you too as it’s not easy when people pleasing is your default.

meh, no one is asking the OP to ignore her parents for the rest of the year. She's a grown-up, busy life, just not available that day. They can do something else another weekend.

It's not the party of the decade to celebrate an anniversary, it's just a barbecue!

If you can possibly manage it, I would make it about your dad & put everything else to one side.

'Strength to you too as it’s not easy when people pleasing is your default.'

Thanks 😊 no, it's not easy, but running around after other people and then feeling angry and resentful is not easy either, so 'choose your hard' as they say. And I promise you that being assertive get much much easier with practice

So?

You don't need to go

Thank you, I didn’t think it was short don’t worry! :-)

How about how her DH feels?

You can't please all the people all the time. You don't need the approval of everyone, especially people you don't particularly like or respect, regardless of being related to them.

In your situation I would be mainly prioritising my dad. If what would make him happiest would be to have all his family together then I might do my best to take a deep breath and cope with the awful rest-of-them. But more likely he's not so hung up on everyone being together and will be just as happy seeing you on a different day.

"How about how her DH feels?"

He's invited too but less obligated to go if he prefers to see his own dad or if Fathers Day is too hard at the moment.

I guess it's personal. I love my dad and he doesn't ask for much really. When he does, you know it's important to him. Fathers Day is about him not me and I'd bear an annoying sibling for one meal for his sake.

But I always knew I'd be a bit of a lone voice on mn!

because you have a very experience than the OP.

Her own mother seems not to really understand how (losing a baby) can hurt on days like that.

That would enough to remove any guilt from a meal.

It's not people pleasing when you're trying to please someone you love and who also, sometimes, does things to please you.

Did my mum want to spend her one day off work last week looking after her poorly gc? Probably not but she did it to help me out and because she loves us all.

People pleasing is avoiding complaining in a restaurant, putting yourself out for people who would never do the same for you, putting up with stuff at work when you really shouldn't.

But yes, ok, I take the point that op's parents might be awful too. But I assumed that she would've mentioned it if they were.

I'd go and put up with it for the sake of making my dad happy. If DH can't face it I would understand and say he's ill, using it as an excuse to make tracks once the meal is over. It's just a couple of hours.