DH always ill at weekends

[Changedforit]

We both work full time in similar roles, similar salary, hours and demands. We have 3 DCs, which is hard bloody work (although I am incredibly grateful for them). DH is ill every weekend, or so he says. Every single weekend, without fail. There’s always something. He’s caught a bug, he’s slept funny and hurt his back, he’s got sunburn (obviously his fault) and can’t move etc etc. It means I do everything in the house, co-ordinate the DC’s activities for the week, wash clothes, order shopping, cook meals. I don’t ever get a break. He seems to lose all brain capacity to even organise anything, and just wallows in “woe is me”. He’s just as useless in the week, as he’s too tired from work.

So as not to drip feed, he does have a long-term chronic health condition, so he is more prone to other illnesses due to weakened immune system, but he does absolutely nothing to help his long-term condition. He doesn’t exercise, he eats rubbish all day long, won’t touch most vegetables, “forgets” to re-order his prescription etc. I’ve tried to get him some counselling to see if there is an underlying reason that he’s so resistant to get better, but he’s also refusing that. I don’t know if his weekend illnesses are just made up because he’s suffering with his chronic condition, but if that was the case, I’d have more sympathy.

I don’t want to leave him, and he wasn’t always like this, but I’m at my wit’s end. So, AIBU to be angry with him? I’ve tried going on strike with household tasks, but all that happens is the kids miss out on things, and the house is a tip.

Does he recognise this as a pattern himself?

Does he understand how it affects you? Does he care?

Why don’t you want to leave him? There’s nothing worth staying for. He’s a fourth child for you.

I'd wonder this too. I'd be tempted to keep a diary so after 8 weeks you could show him the list of illnesses he's had every week.

It sounds as though maintaining a ft role and his chronic condition has hit or hitting his tipping point and that third pull of family life has basically been sacrificed.

OP, if you do stay then you may well find that these weekly illnesses rectify themselves more and more as the children get older.

It would be interesting to see if the suggestion of separation (thus he would have his own home to take care of, plus he'd have to be more involved with parenting his own children on his own when he has them), dramatically improves his health also.

Sounds like a tactic to get out of being present.
I’d be tempted to not show any sympathy and be clear that you expect him to pull his weight.

If he has a chronic condition I'd imagine it's a case of doing to much, then when he's finally resting he's crashing from it.
Chronic illnesses are hard, you really need a right home/work/play balance.

Plenty of us have chronic conditions that leave us depleted, but we learn to manage it, especially if there are dc in the mix.
In this case it doesn’t look like he’s making any effort to manage things, and it’s affecting family life. He needs to sort it out.

I think this is a really good point. I’m trying to be kind and reasonable, because we’ve been together 20 years and he’s only been like this for roughly the past year since he had a flare-up of his chronic condition.
I like the suggestion of keeping a record of his weekend illnesses, because I don’t think he actually notices how ridiculous it is.

So if you can do it noone else can @CampCroc you're abelism is showing.

I have suspected this, hence why I don’t want to leave him or be too harsh. I could really do with a solution that is manageable for him, and stops me from becoming burnt out also.

If he's got a chronic condition it does sound like he's got nothing left after a week at work. I agree that it's very difficult for you, but it sounds like he can't manage FT work, DC and domestic chores. He's probably at breaking point, and the weekend 'illness' and rest is the only way he's dragging himself through a f/t working week. Can he cut back his working hours?

I speak as someone who works F/T with a chronic condition, btw. We have older DC who have left home, and DH is retired through poor health. I am basically in bed by 7pm every evening and do very little at weekends as I need the rest.

I could do with NOT working - but we need the money, so everything else has had to give.

I'm a little bit with @CampCroc in that even if he isn't supporting with the DC he needs to manage himself - otherwise he's just adding to the load that @Changedforit has to manage.

If you backed off and stopped expecting him to do anything apart from his own stuff do you think that would help with his overwhelm? He needs to face into managing his own condition - if he can do that better then at least you know what he can/can't do and he wouldn't have to find 'excuses' every weekend when he can't cope.

Feels like you need an honest conversation to get him to admit the scale of his condition - and be open with you as to how he's feeling. Then at least you know where you are.

Possibly, but as OP says he isn't doing anything to manage his condition either. Whilst none of those things would make his condition dissappear, I'd be frustrated if the effects of this were being put on me and DH wasn't being pro active at all.

OP no this isn't fair, if it is largely down to his condition then you both need to have a discussion about the best way forward ie whether he can drop some hours at work and what he can do (with your support) to help.

Leaving you to do everything with the children every weekend isn't a solution.

My husband went through 6 months like this - a mystery 6 hour ‘flu’ with no cold symptoms - a back ache weekend - a weekend of headaches - a weekend of ‘just not feeling himself’. It went on for months and I got seriously pissed off as we had a baby and he always found energy for things like going to twickenham
for a rugby match.

anyway he finally acknowledged he has depression and he’s on some pills and doing this illness every weekend a lot less

Part of me is sympathetic in that he's juggling full-time work and small children on top of a chronic health condition, but that's not a reason to forget his medication or forget to put on suncream.

I think you need to make a note of all the "illnesses" he's had in the last 4-6 weeks and sit down with him and say "you're clearly not coping, so something is going to have to give - what will it be?".

I imagine if he was unwell every weekend BUT acknowledged the difficulties it caused for you and the family, and also was doing everything he could to look after himself, you wouldn't be feeling so resentful. Struggling with a chronic health condition is one thing, not doing anything to mitigate the impact it has on himself and those around him is another. OP, have you actually sat down and talked about this properly with him?

I would have a lot more sympathy for the DH if he wasn’t doing fuck all to manage or improve his condition…

He could be avoiding family life or it could be a real thing.

I am always, without fail, ill on holiday. Your body/adrenaline keeps you going until you "have time" to be ill. That's a known thing.

If he's dealing with health issues anyway it could well be that he's running on adrenaline to keep going when he has to for work and then the body says enough is enough at weekends.

Or it could be MH/depression related. I had a spell Mahendra I was really struggling at work when I'd go to bed "ill" as soon as I got home. DH was lovely about that actually, despite it meaning him having to deal with DC alone after his own day's work.

But yes, he does need to take responsibility for taking care of himself.

I guess if he actually took steps to help his condition then you wouldn't feel so frustrated?

It can't be nice having a chronic condition but if he is not helping himself and deliberately exasperating the condition then something needs to change.

You need to talk to him and let him know that you cannot go on like this, and as he is ill every weekend then he needs to take steps to help himself like not eating crap, doing exercise etc... because you've had enough.

Sounds like depression to me.
Feeling ill/tired all the time is a sign, so is disengaging with his life and not looking after himself or his illness. Maybe the illness and set it off in him

I would make a diary, or say to him how worried you are about him and see if you can get him to go yo GP

How are you financially? Could you take the hit of him dropping a day at work to have a rest day (say a Wednesday) in order for him to be more present on the weekends?

Just a thought if he's really struggling.

My husband was like this as his chronic condition worsened. In the end he had to move to a more sedentary role with slightly less hours. It wasn't ideal but it helped him and the family in general.

my DH got a bit like this (also ill during the week, but never took time off work, just time off life at weekends). Turned out to be diabetes.

Honestly the way he’s acting isn’t fair. Having a chronic condition that means you can’t pull your weight is fine, but that doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility to manage his condition as far as possible. He needs to go to his GP, and make some lifestyle changes. Making a diary of his illnesses sounds like a good way to structure a conversation with him.