DH always ill at weekends

[Changedforit]

We both work full time in similar roles, similar salary, hours and demands. We have 3 DCs, which is hard bloody work (although I am incredibly grateful for them). DH is ill every weekend, or so he says. Every single weekend, without fail. There’s always something. He’s caught a bug, he’s slept funny and hurt his back, he’s got sunburn (obviously his fault) and can’t move etc etc. It means I do everything in the house, co-ordinate the DC’s activities for the week, wash clothes, order shopping, cook meals. I don’t ever get a break. He seems to lose all brain capacity to even organise anything, and just wallows in “woe is me”. He’s just as useless in the week, as he’s too tired from work.

So as not to drip feed, he does have a long-term chronic health condition, so he is more prone to other illnesses due to weakened immune system, but he does absolutely nothing to help his long-term condition. He doesn’t exercise, he eats rubbish all day long, won’t touch most vegetables, “forgets” to re-order his prescription etc. I’ve tried to get him some counselling to see if there is an underlying reason that he’s so resistant to get better, but he’s also refusing that. I don’t know if his weekend illnesses are just made up because he’s suffering with his chronic condition, but if that was the case, I’d have more sympathy.

I don’t want to leave him, and he wasn’t always like this, but I’m at my wit’s end. So, AIBU to be angry with him? I’ve tried going on strike with household tasks, but all that happens is the kids miss out on things, and the house is a tip.

Also , him not looking after himself properly could be down to exhaustion. I know that I struggle eat right and remember my meds when I'm run down.

I think this needs a chat, maybe when you're both on holiday or something so he has the space and mental energy to take on board what you're saying. It may be that he is a skiver who wants to get out of family life as much as possible. Or it may be that he is genuinely struggling. But you cant carry on doing all his share of parenting as well as his and not get resentful. So what ideas does he have to start pulling his weight with the family more? It may mean dropping some hours at work or committing to trying to eat better or something or setting up a system together so that he takes his meds. But he shouldn't be opting out of family life regularly for entire weekends for things that are easily preventable like sunburn, that's ridiculous and I think it needs to be spelled out to him that if you're doing everything anyway then you may as well be on her own anyway

It seems to me that he has finally found a proper excuse to get himself out of having to pull his weight around children and household chores.
I am quite sure if you had a splitting migraine or the flu you would still have to be up and doing the childcare and housework.
Not okay.

Yanbu he needs to help himself as well.

Thank you all for your replies. Honestly, there’s some really useful points, and I don’t think I was expecting that. There are points of view and ideas I hadn’t considered.
The DCs aren’t small, the youngest is 6, and the other two are in secondary school so can fend for themselves a lot of the time (guess who was a surprise baby?!)
I’m definitely going to have a good talk with him and try to get him back to the GP.

I think lots of you are being incredibly harsh. He may simply have reached his limit after completing a week of work. It can be like that when you have a chronic condition.

I've not read all the replies so it may have already been suggested but would it be possible/financially viable to drop to a 4 day working week for him. He could take Wednesdays off and then only have two days at work in row. He could relax and recharge and hopefully less likely to be ill for the weekends. I don't have any experience of chronic illnesses but they sound really tough for the while family.

Good luck op , you both have my sympathy/empathy as it is hard being the one doing the bulk of the heavy lifting due to having a partner with a chronic condition. It must be equally hard watching your partner take on more work because although you want to do it , you simply don't have the capacity to.

Good luck , and I hope he gets some answers and support from the gp.

I was just about to say the same. So many people don't seem to understand how chronic illness works. Granted it doesn't sound like he's putting enough effort into managing his health and being as well as he can, and that's not fair on OP, but with chronic illness in the mix there often isn't any magic wand.

And some of us don't manage. Because the resources simply aren't there.

Some people have chronic conditions and can't manage but manage just the same because they don't have anyone to pick up the slack. The OP's DH has OP. what if he didn't? He would have to find a way. That's what women do.
BTW, I used to have a H who was always ill on the weekends. He's gone now.

Any chance you could go
part time and/or get a cleaner?

And sometimes they collapse or have nervous breakdowns/heart attacks/strokes from doing too much.

Chronic illness isn't a 'one size fits all thing'. Some people are able to manage more than others, and some less.

And yet the answer isn't opting out of family life every single weekend and not talking about it to see what might help or taking responsibility to keep on top of meds etc is it?

That’s not what I’m saying at all.
If you know you’re going to be wiped out at the weekend you at least put things into place so it’s not left at the last minute for the same person to handle with no notice. You take prescribed medication, you manage your spoons as best you can, you work together with your partner so they don’t end up resenting the fact that every weekend is written off. The H in this case may well be ill every weekend, but if he’s not doing anything to take responsibility for himself the op has every right to be pissed off.

I know so many women who have chronic illnesses and manage to plan ahead, delegate jobs to partner and older children. Some weekends may be a write off, but not every weekend all weekend.

It’s not ablist to suggest that someone gets to grips with their condition as much as possible so they can continue to have as normal a life as possible, even if there are limits to that, and that also means being part of the family they had a hand in creating.

But the op has been clear that the H isn’t eating healthily, isn’t remembering to reorder prescriptions. Things that could make a difference.

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to juggle family and chronic illness, but most women I know do it far better than men. The op’s H needs to take some responsibility, work fewer hours if necessary, because by letting this all be the OP’s responsibility they will end up splitting.

I can't work full time, manage chronic condition and do family stuff we have realised.

I have a month where I take on extra work (usually part time) but we discuss it first and agree - as it means for that month my partner is doing ALL things food related/ clearing up and first school run.

Normally I am part time and therefor have some capacity built in so I can at least relate to family even if I'm not hugely productive.

Depends on the chronic condition of course but it can be debilitating. Just because one person above can manage doesn't mean everyone else can... many cant.

But you by the sound of it discuss it and agree with your partner together on how to make it work to ensure you aren't burning yourself out and can cope, and that neither are they. That's different to just at weekends being poorly (with stuff that could be avoided too like sunburn) and leaving them to do everything.

Yes but I think it is OP that will need to initiate that discusssion.

For us this is after years of living with the condition and working out what works for us.

The tendancy is always to overestimate what you can do. Noone likes feeling incapable. And "i'll just get to the end of the week" feeling is real to prove you can "do it." And then low level illness from being run down or really just needing a sleep/rest.

OPs husband may still be trying to "do it all" as is common with chronic conditions so it will need a gentle conversation from OP where she isn't blaming her partner but just observing that it isn't working and suggest that it currently isn't managable.

I agree completely with @HidingInAForest

My husband would run himself into the ground to do 50% of the housework. We've talked at length about how his share may be 20% but that's as much as he can do without consequences to health and life quality in general. You both have to be open to gently discussing it all when needed. The balance is hard to achieve

If you aren't going to leave him then you are being unreasonable. This sounds really miserable and is a really bad example for your kids. I think you should have some counselling to find out why you accept this kind of marriage.

Agreed, it's not, and it does sound like the OP's DH could be doing more on those fronts. My remarks were addressed more towards pps who were (imo) showing too little understanding of the effects of chronic health issues, than towards the OP's specific situation.

I think this expresses the dilemma of chronic illness so well. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, though.

I am aware this sounds absolutely horrendous and yes it no doubt makes me selfish, but unless he commits to at least trying to help himself and his condition I'd be off. I grew up with parents one of whom had a chronic illness and the other broke themselves doing everything and coping with it whilst they were terrible with taking their meds or seeking help when needed. It had a profound effect on me as a child and on them, again I know that makes me selfish but I wouldn't live like this.

Yes. That's what happened to me. And I hit the security guard at my local surgery. Still no one to pick up the slack.