To ask how to change my life?

[Strawberryminion]

Where do I even begin?!

Early 40s and feel like my life is over.
I work full time in a stressful but badly paid job. I end up working at least half of the weekend because the workload is so heavy and I don’t manage to get it all finished in the week.
If I don’t do it at the weekend it just rolls over and the following week is unmanageable.

I have some friends but I feel very little motivation to see them or do anything with them. I don’t have time and when I do have any time I just want to sleep because I’m so tired all the time.

I am lonely and bored nearly all of the time.
I feel like I am a pushover and I end up doing a lot of things I don’t want to because I can’t say no.

My parents are ageing and not very well (same for a lot of people my age, I guess)

Im really struggling to see any upside right now. I suppose I am fortunate to not have been hit as badly as I might have during the CoL crisis. My kids are healthy - which I am eternally grateful for. I have a chronic long term condition which I manage but is generally another factor in dragging me down I think.

How do I get out of this rut? Is it just how life is when you’re in your 40s and your kids and parents are both dependent?

What happens if you just stop doing work at weekends? What is your job? You need to tell your line manager that your load isn’t manageable and ask them what they would like your prioritise.

Sounds like a change of job would be in order. No one can live well when their work takes over, and no job is worth the price you're paying. Are you actively looking for something else?

Yes, I’ve been looking.
My job is in the third sector. It is quite outing if I identify it but it is very stressful and comes with a huge admin burden.
I am middle management so I get some frontline stuff but also the stuff of the staff I manage.

I can’t stop doing the hours at the weekend because if I do the rest of the week is so fraught. Essentially my admin is going into my weekends.

The job needs to be your biggest change. Full stop. You are sacrificing every weekend for a job when they'd have you replaced in a heartbeat if you left. Working like this is ruining your life, and until you change that you're going to feel this way.

I relate to a lot of what you say (although thankfully my parents are still in good health). I'm changing my job. I've worked in the third sector for a few years now and have experienced very similar to you (are you one of my colleagues?!) but I'm planning to leave at the end of the year and find something that gives a better work/life balance.

Firstly well done for taking the first step and acknowledging there is a problem. You can make all sorts of practical changes but I would suggest a change in your mindset is what you really need here.

You will need to accept and recognise that you can’t and shouldn’t be expected to do everything. You are an high achiever and putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to keep on top of an unmanageable workload and care for yourself, kids and aging parents. You need to decide what’s most important to you. Unless someone would actually die or be seriously injured if you don’t do your job, I’d suggest it shouldn’t be your job so does it really deserve the amount of time and emotional energy you’re giving to it? What do you have to show for it and does it actually make you happy? You will burn out if you continue as you are - been there done that.

I never would have said this 5 years ago but if you have access to or can pay for one, get yourself an Exec coach to help you change your mindset and approach to work and other things. It’s probably the single most beneficial thing I have ever done for myself. The rest falls into place once you’ve set some clear boundaries for yourself and learn value you as a person.

You seem to be resistant to the one change you could make that would be transformational. You clearly would benefit from a different job, limiting your hours and not working weekends.

Organise carers for your parents and start rigorously delegating. Everything that comes in - goes back out. Don’t take on anything else. Practice saying - I would love to help but I am snowed under as it is. On repeat.

I know I need a different job - I’m looking but precious little comes up that sounds much better in the sector I’m in!
I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for something in a slightly different line and they liked me but took on the person with more experience as it was time pressured.
I don’t want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Most people seem to do extra hours these days - but when you’re only paid £13 an hour and are doing an extra 10 hours a week it quickly puts you down to basically minimum wage. Plus the fact that I am permanently strung out.

Id earn the same in a job with much less responsibility but I do get some job satisfaction currently.

I think my other issue is I don’t feel connected anywhere. I don’t have many relationships I feel connected in and I’m lonely.

And maybe it’s my age too… again the same for all of us.
But I’m a bit like… is this it? I could have another 40 years of this shit. I feel too old to make massive changes but equally I might only be halfway through. 40 years is a long time to feel meh about absolutely everything.

Perhaps it's time to leave the third sector. I'm sure you have loads of transferrable skills. Could you maybe make an appointment with a recruitment consultant local to you to have a chat about what's available in the private sector? I get you re job satisfaction (I'm third sector too) but you've done your time - maybe it's time to prioritise money and work/life balance now.

Re loneliness - I can relate to this too - a new hobby just for you might help?

Best of luck.

If you're working 50 hour weeks no wonder you're not seeing much of your friends.
You sound like you're headed for burnout OP which is serious.

CHANGE JOBS. Move to a job with less pressure and spend time with friends and on hobbies. Prioritise your health.

If the next job isn't better you can always change again.

At the moment you sound like a frog getting boiled. Make change asap.

I think the simplest thing would be to see if there are changes you can make to your existing job so you end each week not absolutely exhausted. Work will also push for more from the people doing it - it is our job to push back. What does your line manager say about the fact that you job is not possible in the hours you are paid for? What would they do if you told them you have to make some changes to make it more manageable, and they need to let you know what the priorities are so you know what to focus on? If you were not so exhausted all the time, you may feel more positive about the other things.

PS - there is reasearch about the happiness dip that comes in mid 40s. The good news is from about 60 on reports of happiness climb until the end of life.

If that is what you're paid you shouldn't be doing any unpaid overtime at all. They should jolly well be paying you for it.

I too work for a charity and the workload is unbearable and stressful sometimes. I've recently made the decision to move to a different role, much better paid and hoping it will be a good move. I currently frequently spend my evenings catching up on work and it's exhausting.

Can you get your children to do more chores at home, how old are they ?

Make time to do something for yourself once a week or every other week

I'm shocked that you're expected to do a job that is clearly not possible in the hours you're being paid for. Have you ever spoken to your boss or line manager about this? Maybe I'm just naive, but unless you're just really slow at doing your job, surely in a normal week you should be able to complete your workload within the hours you're paid?

Does a similar role exist in the private sector?

The third sector is known for basically understaffing and relying on goodwill of staff giving up their own time.

I wouldn't say it's normal to work at the weekend at all.

I’m with others about changing your job.
Doing overtime when needed is fine, I do it all the time if I have demanding deadlines when I make damn sure I take the time back when it’s quieter.
I also drum this in to my staff - we all largely WFH and constantly emphasise the flexibility they need to take advantage of.

This was me and changing my job worked. I took a role which was more straightforward and a step down on paper. It's still challenging enough to not be dull but not stressful. I'm really enjoying it and was given a payrise after my first 3 months so am already earning more. I turn off my laptop at 5 and don't think about it again until I start the next day.

Change your job lifes too short

You know the answer;

"I feel like I am a pushover and I end up doing a lot of things I don’t want to because I can’t say no.*

Start at work. Tell your boss your workload is unmanageable and as of this week you work 9 to 5 and leave what's undone. They probably have no idea you're working all weekend to keep up.

I recommend the No Fucks Given podcast…it’s quite good for putting things in perspective, learning to say no and setting boundaries.

You need to be brave and look outside your sector. List all your transferable skills, ask recruiters for guidance and CV advice… even if you job hop a bit at first, your day to day life will be immediately better as you will be working set hours and have evenings and weekends back. Then once you’ve recovered from this ordeal (when you look back in hindsight you will be shocked at how bad it got) you can use those evenings and weekends to socialise more, relax, retrain, upskill as you’ll have the energy.

As you have management experience and admin you could land a PA role (£30k+) and work up to EA (£50k+, even £80k in London) perhaps eventually 4 days a week and certainly no weekend work.

Get out of the third sector ASAP. Be brave and take the leap to free yourself up for the next step. You don’t have to have it all figured out and perfect straight away.