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Original poster

Taking away pocket money for bad behaviour?

35 replies

Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 00:51

DS is 6 and has a kids rooster card/account for pocket money (£10 a month) it's quite a new thing and the first month he's had it. His brother spent all his money the day he was given it whereas he saved most of his because he wants to save up for a toy.
They're at their dads this weekend and his dad told me he took £3 out of his account today because he "had a tantrum" about going to Tesco.
I think that's not a fair punishment because he's basically getting punished for saving his money? So this month when he gets his pocket money, why would he bother saving any of it when it could just get taken away?

As far at the Tesco tantrums go- He seems to have "tantrums" every time his dad takes him, he hates the supermarket. his dad won't take my advice on that but I used to have similar difficulties with DS and have found pre-warning him if we have to go to the supermarket stopped all of the issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 01:41

I do feel a bit sad for ds because he was so proud of not spending all his money and so excited to save towards the toy it feels like a really random punishment

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 01:45

Can you stop his dad having access to it?

Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 01:52

I dont think I can as he has the app for it too and is a parent on their account so I don't think I can remove him from it- and it would probably cause an argument if I did

OP posts:
IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/06/2023 02:02

I don't agree with this at all. There's other ways to punish a tantrum should you really feel the need but I think this is really cruel.

turtool · 11/06/2023 02:03

Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 01:52

I dont think I can as he has the app for it too and is a parent on their account so I don't think I can remove him from it- and it would probably cause an argument if I did

Can you make a separate saving account? Every child in history hates going to the supermarket. That's literally the only benefit of sharing childcare is that the dad can do a shop before kid arrives on a weekend , and you don't have to drag your kid around the store

TeaAndTattoos · 11/06/2023 02:07

YANBU he didn’t need to do that what would’ve he done if your DS had no money in his account.

Anotherparkingthread · 11/06/2023 02:37

It would be fine for him to tell DS he could lose future pocket money for being naughty but not to take money he already has from him. Once it's gifted it is his and taking it is theft.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 08:06

I would start another account he can’t access.

Babsexxx · 11/06/2023 08:43

No definitley not ok like others said future payments or deductions from future payments fine but not taking money he already had!!! Bonkers!

GeekyThings · 11/06/2023 08:45

Start another account, not sure why you're both using the same account anyway if you're divorced!

SadieLia · 11/06/2023 09:31

The only way I'd think this is acceptable is if he warned him and said if you do this then I am taking £3, and yet he still done it. But if it didn't work like that and he just took the money its harsh.

On the other hand, it might make him think and not have a tantrum because he will know it has consequences.

Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 09:38

SadieLia · 11/06/2023 09:31

The only way I'd think this is acceptable is if he warned him and said if you do this then I am taking £3, and yet he still done it. But if it didn't work like that and he just took the money its harsh.

On the other hand, it might make him think and not have a tantrum because he will know it has consequences.

He said it once he was already mid-tantrum which I think is never going to work, the middle of a tantrum is not really the time to start adding consequences I'm not sure any kids ever calmed down that way.

I do also thinks it's quite unfair for ds thst there are quite simple things his dad could have done that would have prevented the whole situation but he won't do it on the principe of "he should do what I say when I say I shouldn't have to tell him where we're going" which I get to a certaint extent but is it really that difficult to say "we're going to Tesco after cricket and then we're going home" plus a reminder before getting in the car, he just likes to know what's expected of him then he can manage his emotions easier

OP posts:
SadieLia · 11/06/2023 09:43

Well he didn't have any prior warning to add the consequence, so mid tantrum was his only opportunity. I'm on the fence. He's trying to teach him boundaries which is not a bad thing.

pointythings · 11/06/2023 09:48

That's really bad parenting, especially if you have a strategy which wards off the tantrums successfully. I bet he's one of those authoritarian assholes who thinks you're too soft, am I right?

Time to sort out the accounts situation so that he can't do this again.

Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 09:50

SadieLia · 11/06/2023 09:43

Well he didn't have any prior warning to add the consequence, so mid tantrum was his only opportunity. I'm on the fence. He's trying to teach him boundaries which is not a bad thing.

He would have known because according to him he does this every time they go shopping and always has done. I don't think a bit of proactive parenting is a lot to ask for. His current method clearly isn't working and he has no patience or understanding for him.
DS used to also do it here too and now he never does because I always tell him "we have to go to Sainsbury's after school" or whatever and that's enough to solve the problem.

OP posts:
XelaM · 11/06/2023 09:53

How did he take it out of his account? My daughter has the same account and it's VERY difficult to take money back out once it's on the child's card. Did he use your son's card?

Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 09:57

XelaM · 11/06/2023 09:53

How did he take it out of his account? My daughter has the same account and it's VERY difficult to take money back out once it's on the child's card. Did he use your son's card?

He moved it from the child's account back to the parent account, I don't actually know how he did it it just says "removed by dad" ds does have his card with him so possibly

OP posts:
XelaM · 11/06/2023 09:57

When you transfer money to the Rooster Money account it will appear in the "parent account" and then you need to top up your son's card with in on the app. Once it's on your son's card you can't transfer it back out again. Make sure the money is actually on your son's card

Ducksurprise · 11/06/2023 09:58

SadieLia · 11/06/2023 09:43

Well he didn't have any prior warning to add the consequence, so mid tantrum was his only opportunity. I'm on the fence. He's trying to teach him boundaries which is not a bad thing.

Taking from this weeks not yet given pocket money is different. That is still the parents, the money in the bank is the child's.

No one has learnt boundaries by being threatened mid tantrum.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 10:01

I would give him a bonus for doing something so you can give it back without undermining his dad.

Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 10:04

XelaM · 11/06/2023 09:57

When you transfer money to the Rooster Money account it will appear in the "parent account" and then you need to top up your son's card with in on the app. Once it's on your son's card you can't transfer it back out again. Make sure the money is actually on your son's card

I've had a look on the app and under the child's account if you click on the three dots it has the option of "remove" so it
looks like you can remove it via the app it says "removed by dad bad behaviour" on the transactions

OP posts:
Original poster
Notesonaconditionalform · 11/06/2023 10:08

pointythings · 11/06/2023 09:48

That's really bad parenting, especially if you have a strategy which wards off the tantrums successfully. I bet he's one of those authoritarian assholes who thinks you're too soft, am I right?

Time to sort out the accounts situation so that he can't do this again.

Yeah pretty much
His brother is autistic and has adhd so I've kind of learnt to parent from a helping the kids manage their emotions/behaviour rather than trying to blindly punish into obedience but he thinks that's pandering to them so we definitely have different parenting styles but they both behave very well for me so it works for us.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 11/06/2023 10:14

Does your son's dad contribute to the pocket money?
Either way it's wrong what he has done tantrum or no tantrum there are other ways in which a child can be taught that having tantrums isn't acceptable.
This punishment sounds like your ex has been judge and jury and given your DS a fine.

pointythings · 11/06/2023 10:15

@Notesonaconditionalform so basically you are parenting effectively using a tested approach that works, and he is going for shouty and authoritarian. How bloody typical. He'll ruin his relationship with his DC and then complain that they don't want to see him when they're older. I hope you find a way of preventing him from stealing from your DS again.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/06/2023 10:31

Surely he has the whole bloody week to go to Tesco without going on his dcs time. Your child may be sensitive to lighting or loud music there. It's difficult as sounds like a dad who won't listen. This will only get worse as a teenager will not go with: what l say goes and that's it. There will be war up ahead.
Think the idea of you giving him a bonus mid week by catching him doing something good like helping or working hard at his homework.
But l think an account df can't access has to be the long term solution.