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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her who her fiance really is

36 replies

Totellherornot · 10/06/2023 22:25

I was bullied horrendously at school. Mainly by a group of boys, with the clear ringleader S. I attempted suicide over it and had to move schools.

I must have friends in common with S‘s new fiancée, because some stuff has come up on Facebook.

S looks like a smug twat. His fiancee is very beautiful and looks like a nice person (from what FB can tell me. She does charity work and loves animals).

What S did to me affects me to this day. WIBU to send his fiancée an anonymous message to let her know who she is planning to marry? Or do I need to let it go?

Please be gentle. This really hurts

OP posts:

Indigodreaming · 10/06/2023 22:28

Honestly, I don't think it will help you in the long run.

I get you want him to hurt and that's natural.

Createausername1970 · 10/06/2023 22:32

It's terrible what happened, but I think you should leave it be.

If he is the same person as before, it could backfire on you and create all sorts of problems.

If he has changed and is not that person anymore it could also backfire on you and create other problems.

Raquelos · 10/06/2023 22:32

I think you are better off concentrating on your own healing and wellbeing tbh.

If he has changed all well and good, if he hasn't life will bite him on the arse eventually, dont make that your problem though. Do yourself the favour of removing him from your life as much as you possibly can.

All the very best to you xx

Bearpawk · 10/06/2023 22:37

Do you have any reason to think he's still behaving like that as an adult?
I don't think there's any scenario in which she will just take your work for it and break up with him.
Also - this won't change things for you but In my experience, most school bullies are in some sort of pain themselves to act like that.

rightioly · 10/06/2023 22:39

Its not going to help you

Itsanotherhreatday · 10/06/2023 22:40

To be honest - most bullies won’t give two thoughts to their victims - the lady won’t believe you she’ll be blinkered

That said there was a poster who found out her (now ex) BF was a bully a dumped him - so it can happen.

LifeIsPainHighness · 10/06/2023 22:40

Sorry OP but the only thing that happens on this situation is “Oh my god some random butter has sent me a message”

He may well have changed completely, and is entitled to move on from school (as painful as it is for you). You will have to find a healthier way to process what’s happened.

LifeIsPainHighness · 10/06/2023 22:41

*nutter not butter

dottiedodah · 10/06/2023 22:42

Honestly try to move on . Some teenage boys are ducks. Let's hope he's grown up now .however his fiancee is unlikely to take any notice now. Sorry you hurt,but maybe some counselling could help

dottiedodah · 10/06/2023 22:43

Dicks obv!

SideProfile · 10/06/2023 22:43

This would be a different scenario if you knew the fiancé, or if you knew S now and he was still the same.

I’m sorry you had such a shit time, but I don’t think ruminating on this will help you and acting on it will not have any positive outcomes for anyone.

Original poster

Totellherornot · 10/06/2023 22:44

Than you so much for the replies. You have all said what I was expecting. So I am glad I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me and message her straight away!

I really hope he has changed. I think if she had seemed like a nasty person then I wouldn’t care. But she seems far too good for him.

But really, who would ever break off an engagement due to a message from a stranger? Thanks for the head wobble

OP posts:

Kinneddar · 10/06/2023 22:45

WIBU to send his fiancée an anonymous message to let her know who she is planning to marry

Realistically though you don't know who she's planning to marry. You know the younger school version of him you have no idea what the adult version of him is like

If he's changed then she wouldn't believe you anyway & if he hasn't then presumably she knows what she's getting into

Kinneddar · 10/06/2023 22:46

Oops x posted

sunnydayzzzzzz · 10/06/2023 22:49

You went through a dreadful time and I am not making excuses for the bully but bullies are not usually very happy people. If it makes you feel any better he may have gone through a bad time growing up.

The bully isn't worthy of your time, headspace or energy so leave him to screw up his own life.

ButterCrackers · 10/06/2023 22:50

Yanbu but step back and stay safe. He is probably still a nasty piece of work but you have your own life away from the bully. Keep the distance and put yourself first and stay out of contact.

Micemice · 10/06/2023 22:53

I went to school with a guy who was HORRIBLE to girls, very pushy for sex, sharing images, degrading stuff and just generally awful awful. Was 17/18 at time. He went to uni, went abroad on a charity trip and met a woman , started volunteering for women’s charities oversees with the new girl friend , she worked as an ambassador for women for the UN or something similar and he also had it all plastered over his Facebook about women’s charities, power of women feminism etc and I honestly had to stop myself messaging the girlfriend to fill her in. People change I get that but sometime you think how is such a turnabout change possible!
no good will come from messaging her so hopefully for her sake he has also had a massive change and was just a dick teenager who doesn’t realise his impact on others during those dick years!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/06/2023 22:59

I hate to say it but bullies don’t change deep down.

A few years ago I connected with my school bully on FB, I said I forgave her via messenger and she put something on her wall about this. I thought she had changed but she then tried to offer me a free session of the therapy which she’s practicing and when I said no that was that. She kept on offering me a free session and I kept declining but we kept in touch. Then for some reason I had to contact her, no reply for ages then a really nasty, rude bullying response from her which told me all I needed to know and she hadn’t changed. Apparently she’d been bullied by her mother hence her bullying others.

Another school friend I chatted on messenger over lockdown she bullied me briefly and I changed classes I didn’t bring up the bullying but I’m not sure she’d deny it or not. Said I was her best friend then which I was.

I’d be very tempted to send her a message because it might make her think. But she might just think you’re mad and with some weird agenda. It might make me think though. So anyway, don’t send her any message!

Maddy70 · 10/06/2023 23:04

Leave it in the past. People change. I'm actually friends with my school bully. She's a really nice adult.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/06/2023 23:15

I understand the urge because of bullying I received but if you feel you've grown and changed as a person you have to allow him to maybe have done the same.

Surely you'd get more satisfaction of telling him directly and asking for an apology?

Maddy70 · 10/06/2023 23:18

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/06/2023 23:15

I understand the urge because of bullying I received but if you feel you've grown and changed as a person you have to allow him to maybe have done the same.

Surely you'd get more satisfaction of telling him directly and asking for an apology?

Surely the satisfaction comes from not allowing them to enter your head. Just don't give them headspace

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/06/2023 23:20

Yeah whatever brings her peace essentially

HappiestSleeping · 10/06/2023 23:35

I did things as a child / young man that I am deeply ashamed of now. Not bullying as such but will have had as much of an impact.

Maybe not much consolation but people do change and learn from their mistakes. Not always, but sometimes.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 10/06/2023 23:50

Totellherornot · 10/06/2023 22:25

I was bullied horrendously at school. Mainly by a group of boys, with the clear ringleader S. I attempted suicide over it and had to move schools.

I must have friends in common with S‘s new fiancée, because some stuff has come up on Facebook.

S looks like a smug twat. His fiancee is very beautiful and looks like a nice person (from what FB can tell me. She does charity work and loves animals).

What S did to me affects me to this day. WIBU to send his fiancée an anonymous message to let her know who she is planning to marry? Or do I need to let it go?

Please be gentle. This really hurts

The best revenge is living well, and I genuinely believe that.

Florissant · 10/06/2023 23:52

OP, you have a good attitude: you read responses to your post and changed your opinion. You have my respect.

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