To ask if I can change my mind about starting a new job this late?

[i3456765]

I am due to start a new job on Monday. My work laptop and IT equipment has arrived.

My mental health is really, really low. I don't feel well enough to work at the moment. I had to take some time off last year in my previous job for context so I know the warning signs of my mental health slipping. I just don't feel mentally strong enough to start a job at the moment, I experienced a lot of stress and anxiety in my previous role and my new job is the same role in a different company. I had given myself a month off between leaving my old job and starting my new one, which I thought would be long enough to help but I'm struggling still. I feel trapped and like I just want to run away.

Why don’t you message personnel, say you are unexpectedly unwell and won’t be able to start for a month. Keep it brief and professional. They might well be able to work around it.

Call the GP on Monday and arrange a sign off.

Are you getting help with this? If not talk ti the GP about that too, it sounds like you need medication and talking therapy - and if you are already having it it needs tweaking.

Without knowing more I would say please don’t just quit, unstructured time off is unlikely to help your MH.

This might also be new job anxiety? In which case you can prepare for that with a delay.

I had given myself a month off between leaving my old job and starting my new one, which I thought would be long enough to help but I'm struggling still. I feel trapped and like I just want to run away.

Are you sure this isn't an amplified version of normal new job nerves, especially after being off for a month? I understand the impulse to run away, but that can get worse by giving into it and then you never feel strong enough, whereas going in could make you realise it's not as bad as you'd imagined and you'd feel more positive having achieved something and stronger going forward.

Obviously it depends on the scale of the MH issues and if you're getting help for them/medication etc. or just hoping that not working will be enough. If you're on the brink of a breakdown then it wouldn't help and you need to get proper help in place, but if it's not so extreme then you've arguably got more to gain by giving it a go. If you try and it's not sustainable, then you can have the conversation and either get signed of sick or resign if you really have to, but if you don't even start it, you're out of a job which could give you extra stress.

Are you certain it’s not new job nerves speaking?

Have you been getting any help with your mental health while off?

Unless I was so depressed that it was properly impossible to face, I think I’d be trying to start the new job and see how it goes. It may be much better than the last one and mental health problems can undoubtedly be situational.

If your mental health is so bad you know you can’t manage, it would be be a good idea to try and salvage the new job as others have outlined above. Taking a random amount of time without doing anything different is going to lead to the same outcome the next time you reach this point.

Unless you have a big financial safety blanket I'd be very wary of being fully out of work. Speak to HR and maybe look to see if they'll agree to a phased start or something, nothing to lose if you're tempted to quit and for them it saves going through recruitment process again.

I'm on medication but agree that I probably need to up my dose or change tablets.

I really struggled in my old job. I hated it from my first month but I felt stuck and embarrassed to hand in my notice or speak up and I ended up with quite severe anxiety and depression. I had 2 months off sick, during which time I handed in my notice but my manager referred me to occupational health and they encouraged me to stay with support. I then stayed another year, really struggling every single day. I would wake up in the morning and wish I had never woken up, it was awful. I handed in my notice a few months ago and left last month. It was like a weight had been lifted, but now as my new job start date has approached my mental health has just plummetted again. I don't think it's just new job nerves, I feel like I know what I'm walking in to and I can't face it. It's bringing up all the old feelings I felt in my previous job, the dread and hopelessness.

I don't think the job role is right for me. It's good pay and I have experience in it, but I think I need to cut my losses and have a career change.

I'd also urge you not to just quit, if anything then alert them that you feel unwell without going too much into it especially if it concerns your mental health and you can detect the warning signs having experienced this previously. You'll have your card marked before you've even received a welcome round of e-mails! Having said all of that this is really dependant on two things: 1) Are you financially comfortable to not need to work in the immediate future? 2) Do you regularly receive support through counselling, medication or otherwise or does it come and go in waves because what's to stop this feeling arising when a deadline is pending? 3) Is it a flexible or remote job? Given that you say your equipment has arrived. If it is then don't jump too soon - the flexibility offers you brief respite from having to put on your game face in the 'physical' sense.

Starting a new job is nerve-wracking even without concurrent mental health struggles, so I'd say be patient with yourself; don't make rash decisions based on how you're feeling now.

I've also just been struggling so much lately. I'm 29 and think that I'm very likely to be autistic. It's like all the strength I had to use in my life to get through everyday life has now run out.

I've thought about pulling out of this job all month, and just let the days go by and the start date to creep closer and closer and now it's the weekend before I'm due to start and I'm panicking, really panicking. I feel so trapped and wish I had never accepted the job offer.

It's not too late to pull out, no, but how about telling yourself that you'll give it a go, one day at a time? If, after the first day, you can manage a second, then do. If not, don't. You'll be on a probation period initially I'm guessing, which is as much for you as it is for them.

How about setting yourself a time limit and taking things one day at a time?

For example, I'll see what the first day is like and if I still want to quit, then I give myself permission.

Then, I'll give it to the end of the week. Etc.

I've experienced situations like this one (also ASD and depression), and this is the only thing that helps.

I think you should go and try at least for a week. It doesn't sound like your old job was suited to you which obviously heightened your anxiety etc. This could be the change you need...or it might not but at least you'll know for sure then

I think Green has given you really good advice. If it's a job you can do well enough to change jobs in the field then you can do it. Give it a try. You may feel completely different about it in a new environment. And if you don't, then figure out what it is you want to do instead.

I have a rough plan of what I want to do. It's similar to what I did a few years ago, and felt like it was better for my mental health and it didn't involve the parts of my job I find stressful (presentations, client meetings, a long commute into the city and international travel).

Can I email and back out now? Or is it too late? I have the unopened package containing my work laptop next to me, and every time I look at it I feel like crying. My notice period a week during my probation.

They want me to go into the office twice next week to meet everyone. :(

Could you face speaking to them to explain how you are struggling? Or email if easier? I think their response will give you the answer you need. If you find them warm, concerned, supportive, perhaps other posters' advice to try one day at a time will work. If not, and if they make you feel that you are the problem, then your instincts are right, and you can withdraw your acceptance and have some time to heal and rest before making any more decisions.
You sound very tired, I wish you all the luck in the world.

You can pull out any time you want, you haven't started and as long as you are prepared to send the equipment back in same condition you received them what are they going to do? It does mean burning that bridge though and unlikely to be ever employed by that company again, so be wary of those implications and whether they would affect a future career (for example I work for a coorporate that owns lots of different sites. Doing something like this would likely mean I wouldn't be able to work for said coorporate again in any of their sites). If your notice period is a week I suppose technically they could try and claim you have to pay for any damages they acquired by you not fullfilling that part of the contract (ie having to hire somebody else to do your job) but considering your first week would likely be spent getting trained etc I doubt they would have a foot to stand on (or they would be petty enough or willing to pay for the resources needed to pursue this).
Also the old adage "it's easier to get a job while employed" is true, depending on what path you wanna go down at be mindful of large gaps of unexplained employment in your cv. One or two months is nothing but depending on the sector you wish to break into one month can really easily become 6+ and then it's not only difficult to explain why (and saying you had a job but quit before starting might raise some alarm bells for future employers) but might be even more detrimental for your mental health (especially if finances are starting to dwindle.

Also depending on the industry email might be a bit too late now as unless they're working over the weekend they're not going to see it until Monday morning and again depending on the place/industry might not get to it until later in the morning. So I think unless you can tell for sure they are going to be seeing it before you are due to be in, it might well be a case of having to call first thing Monday morning and making them aware.

practically speaking, can I walk away this late? How would I do so? Or do I need to start and then hand in my notice?

Have you signed a contract yet OP?

What is your current job and what is the job you would prefer to do ? Can you afford not to work ?

How do you pay your bills?

Is there somebody else who does all that - or could you be putting yourself at risk of not having food or somewhere to live?

I have signed a contract.

My current job is a corporate kind of job, and involves presenting to senior directors of being global companies (despite being a junior still). I expected it to be more background work but it involves a lot of presentations and international travelling for meetings which is something I really struggle with. I want to go into healthcare, so quite a change. I have some experience working in the NHS before and found I was a lot happier doing something practical that gave me a sense of purpose.

I have enough savings to cover all of my bills for several months. I moved back in with my parents and siblings due to my mental health and feeling like I needed some stability (I know some may judge me for this but I think it was the best decision for me). I pay rent to my parents, but they are very understanding and supportive of my mental health difficulties. I'm not workshy or trying to mooch off them, but they have told me they can help me out if needed by reducing the rent I pay them if I run out of savings.

Okay this is strange, I was in more or less this exact position a few years ago! I had a decent career, loved my job and then when I had DD I had a huge exasperation in mental health issues. Following maternity leave I moved jobs to a less stressful jobs and enjoyed it and coped well but we needed more money so I took a different higher paid job and it ruined me. I then left within a few months for yet another job before admitting defeat. They were all very supportive jobs, I had time off, even paid counselling but I just knew I couldn't cope. I quit for some time out, I had money for bills for a while but my partner at the time left and I moved home with my parents.

Fast forward a year from that and I started a new job in a completely unrelated field, it's still a struggle in some ways but I was a million times happier and more importantly I can now cope. A few years have now passed and I've moved up in the organisation and still happy, I've moved into my own place and am happily married.

I guess I wanted to say I empathise and understand that feeling that you physically as well as mentally can't face it. Logically it would be better to give it a go, contact them and explain and whatever else; but its not always that easy. As you have a fallback I would say follow what your body is screaming out to you, if you're anything like me you know the difference between regular feeling anxious and it being crushing to the point you can't deal with it.

Practically you call them on Monday morning at opening time. Explain your situation has changed (you can be as open as you wish) and due to unforeseen circumstances you cannot start the job and aren't sure when or if those circumstances will change. Apologize for the inconvenience this has caused them. Say you understand that as per your contract you are supposed to give a week's notice, but given the circumstances "I hope you all agree there is no point in me working that as it would be a waste of everyone's time to train me for the position". Tell them you have received the equipment, its still in pristine, unopened condition and where would they like them for you to return it to. If the become upset/unprofessional in any way apologize, say you understand their disappointment but aren't going to be discussing it further and for anything else they can reach via email and hang up. Have an email written up and ready, which summarises what you just told them on the phone and send it ASAP you hung up (mention on phone you'll be doing this and start it with somethinglike "as per our previous phone conversation on 12/6/2023 at 9am i hereby confirm...") so you have recorded proof of both the phonecall and the resignation so they don't class you as a "no show".
Its going to likely be uncomfortable and perhaps unpleasant but then it's over with and you don't have to spend any more energy on it!

Should I email today so it's in their inbox for Monday morning? I feel awful and so anxious about this, but I know myself and I know pushing through things before has landed me in some really difficult places that would have been avoided if I listened to myself earlier on.