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Original poster

To judge cheating friend after all this time?

28 replies

Friendwoe2 · 10/06/2023 10:43

I've tried not to judge her, I've tried to be understanding but it's been years now.

Everyone loves my friend, shes s great mum to her 4dc. Her husband isn't the most attentive, she has mentioned in the past her resentment at him for not wanting to be intimate, he doesn't help much with the DC but does work hard outside the home.

They've been together for 15 years, for 13 of those years she's been seeing someone else. Her husband found out a few years ago, confronted her and they stayed together. She stopped seeing the OM for a while but soon resumed. I didn't pry or judge, I felt as her friend I should be supportive.

The part I'm struggling to move past is a few years ago her falling accidentally pregnant to OM and having a secret abortion. I was doing fertility treatment at the time so may have been overly sensitive to the way she flippantly talked about it, almost like it was a joke. She's joked to me in the past that when I get bored in my relationship, I'll start cheating too. She treats the whole thing like it's normal, inviting the OM to her house when her DH is at work. Laughing about sneaking him out the back when DH pulled up on the drive. Recently, I arrived as he was leaving, it was horribly awkward and made me reassess the friendship. I don't want to be part of this anymore.

Her DH is always sharing loving posts on FB about how wonderful his wife is for being the backbone of the family, smiling family photos yet under the surface all of this is going on. It feels fake. She's lying to everyone. The older I get, the more I question her morality. Her children are getting older, they're not daft, they'll start asking questions soon.

Would I be unreasonable to step back from friend despite accepting it for so long? If she can be this devious with her DH how can she be a trustworthy friend?

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 10:49

It depends on what qualities you value in a friendship.

Of course you don't need to agree on everything to be good friends. But if someone is engaging in behaviour that is violating your moral compass and is making you feel negative when you meet, then of course it is fine to step away. It seems like you have grown in different directions and you are not getting the same thing out of the friendship you once were.

I know women like this but I wouldn't have them in my close circle. They are fine to go to the pub with and see sporadically. But I am not keen on getting super close with people who hurt others willy nilly, as I could quite easily become their victim.

Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 10:53

I’d have ended the friendship a long time ago. Her moral compass is knackered. And to be so blasé about abortion while you were going through fertility treatment?! No idea how you kept your cool and continued to socialise with this woman.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/06/2023 10:53

The only other thing I can think of if you want to try to preserve the friendship is to bluntly ask her not to talk about it with you because you don't want to hear about it.

I also agree with PP, people who cheat like are people who have shown they will fuck you over to get what they want so I'd be careful.

Grumpigal · 10/06/2023 10:53

I wouldn’t be able to continue being friends with someone who acts like this.

doing one bad thing doesn’t mean someone is a bad person but these are the continual actions of someone who really does not give a shit who gets hurt, as long as they get what they want.

Thats not someone I would want in my life.

RuddyLaura · 10/06/2023 10:58

Think you've answered your only question really OP. You sound like a great and trustworthy friend and worthy of one back!

Distance yourself and don't bat an eyelid about it.

RuddyLaura · 10/06/2023 10:59

Another question to ask yourself is what does she bring in friendship to you?

skelter83 · 10/06/2023 11:00

Being flippant might be her way of dealing with the stress of this situation. If she’s looking after 4 children, running a family (sounds almost on her own) and maintaining 2 relationships then this sounds nothing but hard work to me.

UsethisUsername · 10/06/2023 11:06

No I couldn’t be friends with someone so morally corrupt and insensitive.

ODFODeary · 10/06/2023 11:32

I couldn't be friends with somebody so deceitful and I couldn't carry their secret either so I'd naturally have to pull away

Dancingwithumberellas · 10/06/2023 11:45

I couldn’t be friends with a person like her. The fact she finds her deceit and cheating amusing makes it worse. She doesn’t sound like a trustworthy person at all and the fact she has dragged you into it all is a friendship killer too.

drpet49 · 10/06/2023 11:47

Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 10:53

I’d have ended the friendship a long time ago. Her moral compass is knackered. And to be so blasé about abortion while you were going through fertility treatment?! No idea how you kept your cool and continued to socialise with this woman.

This. I couldn’t stay friends with someone as calculating, cold and cruel like her

Quackinquavers · 10/06/2023 11:49

Does she bring anything to the friendship?

Neverinamonthofsundays · 10/06/2023 11:51

I would have ended the friendship 13 years ago to be honest.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 10/06/2023 11:53

skelter83 · 10/06/2023 11:00

Being flippant might be her way of dealing with the stress of this situation. If she’s looking after 4 children, running a family (sounds almost on her own) and maintaining 2 relationships then this sounds nothing but hard work to me.

This. It’s not something I would end a friendship over. I can think of a few adulterous relationships among people I know which are essentially a way of maintaining a longterm relationship or marriage the person values and wants to stay in, but which leaves them with significant unmet needs.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/06/2023 12:06

If she was a good friend, and there for me when I needed her, then I would try not to judge. Her flippancy may be a defence mechanism too. I would not be supportive or happy about it at all though, it’s not how I would behave (and I was cheated on so I feel for her husband).

Original poster
Friendwoe2 · 10/06/2023 12:14

She has been a good friend, yes. Maybe insensitive about some things but I assumed that was more to help me see the brighter side rather than her being dismissive.

I've asked why she stays with her DH (OM has got married during the affair, they could have got together properly before that) she jokes it's financial but I think it's more to keep the family unit together. Keeping up appearances maybe. I don't know, I struggle to understand it. If I'm not happy in a relationship, I leave.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 10/06/2023 12:20

She sounds like a bit of a scumbag really.

Her poor husband.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 10/06/2023 12:21

Friendwoe2 · 10/06/2023 12:14

She has been a good friend, yes. Maybe insensitive about some things but I assumed that was more to help me see the brighter side rather than her being dismissive.

I've asked why she stays with her DH (OM has got married during the affair, they could have got together properly before that) she jokes it's financial but I think it's more to keep the family unit together. Keeping up appearances maybe. I don't know, I struggle to understand it. If I'm not happy in a relationship, I leave.

And other people decide that there are things worth staying for, even if it’s not always happy, and get what they need in terms of sex or emotional support or whatever elsewhere. Sometimes with the explicit or implicit permission of their spouse.

A friend of mine has an arrangement with her husband that she can have sex elsewhere, as he’s no longer interested in having sex at all — she has a discreet longterm arrangement with a mutual friend, and it seems to have been working well for about five years.

Brontathedog · 10/06/2023 12:26

What sort of vile person laughs about sneaking their affair out the back while their spouse is parking on the drive at the front?

Manichean · 10/06/2023 12:37

Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
Stop with the pointy fingers - you are not walking in her shoes.

Precipice · 10/06/2023 12:38

a few years ago her falling accidentally pregnant to OM and having a secret abortion. I was doing fertility treatment at the time so may have been overly sensitive to the way she flippantly talked about it, almost like it was a joke

Women who fall pregnant accidentally and terminate the pregnancy don't owe it to women who are trying to get pregnant to pretend that terminating the pregnancy is a difficult decision for them, that there was ever any consideration beyond 'positive pregnancy test? Abortion'. If it was an obvious no-brainer for her, there's no reason for her not to treat it thus.

I'd be more offended by her claim that you too are inevitably going to cheat, since that's impugns your own sense of morality. And that you're unwittingly participating in this farce of the guy being there and the husband possibly coming home.

Mariposista · 10/06/2023 12:58

I couldn't, sorry. The fact she has continued to reproduce time after time with her husband while sleeping with another man on the side is disgusting and makes a mockery of marriage.

Preps · 10/06/2023 12:59

I don't think any of us is in a place to judge, none of us knows what goes on in others' relationships. Her DH's post would make me think something was off from his side too.

However, if you don't want to be involved, don't be.

ThatFraggle · 10/06/2023 13:03

Manichean · 10/06/2023 12:37

Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
Stop with the pointy fingers - you are not walking in her shoes.

You don't have to cast any stones.

But you don't have to have them in your life either. Keep her around, but don't shocked when she's with YOUR husband.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/06/2023 13:10

You are being used as her prop.

She can't talk about it to anyone else so you get to hear all about her exciting adventures. Lucky you!

Not

Personally, I'd drop a friend who used me like that.

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