“I barely get any time to myself” - that annoying friend

[TrashQueens]

So I just need to have a little rant really.
Friend constantly saying “I have no time to myself and never do anything for me”

now, I do empathise with this sentiment greatly, as do the whole friend group - we all have children.

however, in the seven months since becoming a mum this friend has:

• been on two hen weekends
• had a four day break abroad without the baby
• has been out drinking pretty much every weekend
• Been living with a semi-retired family member who does a lot of free childcare - eg. When friend wants to go to the gym/nail salon/hairdresser

AIBU to be sick of hearing this in the group chat/ at meet ups?

I do not begrudge my friend this, but think she needs to get a grip and realise how lucky she is .. she speaks to the rest of the friend group like she is the first to have a baby and none of us know how hard it is when most of us have more than one child.. and not the support she does

I think she meant she has nothing but tome for herself. I wonder when she has time to be a mom. So many changes that first year

I think some people are genuinely unaware of this I have a number of friends like this all in there mid thirties all had kids in there thirties and genuinely believe they have no time whatsoever to themselves even though they are permanently out alone! Lol!

I think it’s because they had soo much freedom in adult life that they really do think that all there personal time has gone and a number of them have had all the long awaited baby so family are rushing to look after them I’m soo jealous I have one friend who’s mum actually rings her to ask her plans every weekend and says “well you know you still need your life I’m here whenever if you need to relax just drop gc here”

Urghhhhhh 🤣 she also has absolutely everything like it’s gc second home there so she could literally take dc in what there sitting in!

Non of this big build up of packing a bag preparing for alone time nothing lol! But on reflection I have had no help I’m not bothered but it’s definitely made me conscious when my dgc come along not to be that mum that never helps out with gc!

My friend does this. I said a few weeks back that I desperately needed a break. We have zero support & an ill IL. She said 'Me too. I'm desperate for some time alone'!

Friend doesn't work, both DC in school. No responsibilities. Had just had a two week child free abroad holiday, often flies around the country kid free. Her MIL has her DC at least 40% of the time, including school days/nights, takes the kids to their activities, has them most weekends. Pays for friend's lifestyle too. Constantly sending me pictures of new nails/hairdo & getting massages etc. then does nothing but complain about her DH, MIL & needing a break.

Her constant complaining truly makes me want to scream, to the point I've had to reduce contact before I explode.

@TrashQueens I have someone like this in my friendship group too 🙄 it can be a bit draining!
I also work with a girl who is a single parent (which I do acknowledge must be hugely difficult!) but she sends her child to his Grans every weekend Fri night - Sun night because she “needs some time for herself to have a break” and “looking after him shouldn’t be her job all the time” 🙄 she works one shift a week (on a sat) and the kid is at school Mon-Fri while she’s sat at home. She also has a new BF (of 6 months) and so far has been on 2 European city breaks with him, and various nights away in the UK without her child. And they have 3/4 short holidays planned for the school summer holidays - none of which her child are going on. New BF was solo looking after her DC after a week so not a case of her but introducing them yet. Child is being left with various people during the summer for 4/5 days at a time - gran, mums friend, the new BFs parents!
Like you said, it’s not a competition but people that harp on about having no time for themselves while having a social life like this are beyond out of touch with reality! Plus, as judgy as it may be - I personally can’t imagine leaving my child as much as she does.

Although, I’m leaving mine for a few hours next weekend to go to a concert 😬 2.5 and it’s the first time I’ll ever have left him or had anyone else other than DH and I do bedtime. I’m petrified 🙈😂 so maybe I shouldn’t have left if quite so long!

Oh that would irritate me no end.

I have a cousin who moans about this. But she lives next door to her parents who provide not only wrap around childcare but also take the DCs every single Friday night to Sunday morning so she and her DH can have 'couple time' [boak]

I think we all know people like this

WhatsApp groups particularly seem to attract them. When I was with my exh, I earnt a lot more so had 5.5 months maternity leave as we couldn't afford for me to be off longer. I had to go back 5 days a week. One of my nct group went back after a year to a 3 day a week job and asked for strategies to cope after she went down to 2 days as she felt too busy. I wanted to write having my house repossessed if I didn't work 5 days was a strong incentive for me but didn't and just mumbled some sympathy with the others.
The same now with nights out. I am a lone parent. It costs me £40 for a babysitter to go out to dinner with them before we have paid for dinner. Last time 4 of them cancelled the day before or on the day. I couldn't cancel the babysitter so I went out with 1 of them that could go but couldn't go to the rearranged one. I didn't say why just said the date didn't suit. They probably didn't realise that it was my only night out in 9 months that wasn't for work events. Some people always want more. Just smile and nod.

I have regular weekend city breaks in Europe, the odd 5 day holiday etc whilst my child is at his dads house (we're split up - my son goes there EOW and a couple of full weeks per year) - but tbh, I still feel overwhelmed at times! Life is still very different to before kids and maybe that's what she's comparing it to.

With that being said, I have enough self awareness to not moan to my friends who have their children 100% of the time - so your friend is definitely still unreasonable in doing that.

7 months !!! Try 18+ years when one has sen so I still need care .
honestly I know I shouldn’t but I judge people that want to leave their children at that age so much . I’d personally tell her to fuck off !!

Call her out. People like this need telling.

Is it possible she's struggling to adjust to motherhood, PND or similar? Personally, I'd go with changing the topic of conversation rather than tell her how she's wrong.

Yanbu! I can't imagine doing that many child-free nights away in the first year, my dd was breastfeeding all day and night still by 7m. Tbf I'm not complaining and I am going away for a night for work later this month. But I think surely it's much more common not to have nights away from your child before 1y!

I have a friend who has a sort of similar situation (although she doesn't complain much) - she has a live in nanny and the child is totally attached to the nanny, even co-slept with her as a baby. The mum and dad went for couple-nights away several times in the first year. Every photo or video that she sends me, the kid is interacting with the nanny and mum is holding the camera (never the other way around). She did complain to me when the kid was younger that she couldn't establish breastfeeding and I made sympathetic noises but...you've made someone else her primary caregiver so it's kind of no wonder?! My dh thinks I'm too judgy. Yep, guilty.

Perhaps she needs more me time than most people. She should however be self aware enough to realise her me time far outstrips other women she knows.

I know people like this, I think most do. I have a friend whose mum does 5 days a week childcare for her (and has done for the last 8 years) and she moans that she doesn't get more free childcare at the weekend (even though she does about once every 2 months).

I'd cut her a bit of slack - that first year is a big adjustment, and her own life is probably unrecognisable to her.

Call it out, but gently. "Oh I know Sarah, that first year is a total head fuck. Don't worry though, you will adjust, and you're so lucky to have Ethel to help out, that will make it easier. The only time I've had away this year is Jane and Emma's hens and actually that was plenty because I'm used to it now. The old me would be horrified haha but you do find your groove, and it gets easier as they grow and sleep a bit better so you manage some rest and downtime overnight X"

This approach is nice especially if she does happen to be struggling. She probably is comparing it to her old life but is totally oblivious to how she sounds to others and how fortunate she is.

Must be so difficult to bite your tongue though OP. You have my sympathy. I think most people know someone like this.

Guys I’m not calling her out on this because I know her - 100% I would be told I don’t get it for some reason or another and then be made out to be a bad friend

oh i have a friend like this. However, i use the term "friend " loosely. I am trying to reduce contact as we just don't have anything in common and when we do meet , its very forced.I also try to meet her in a group setting so someone else is there. Don't know why i bother because i cant get a word in edgeways!!

Anyway, every time she speaks, she always adds in how tired/busy she is, and how she never has any free time for herself. (1 DC, nearly 2, very supportive Husband and GPs, works 4 days a week, mostly from home, very flexible hours) However, regularly posts "date night" selfies and day trips with her husband, minus the child. She is the only person in the world with a young child, according to her.

I don't have children just yet but i know how tiring they can be. Honestly , it just gets repetitive with her though. I have a friend with 4 children ( 2 under 3) and she moans less. She just gets on with it. I get the odd ranting text when her kids are driving her mad but then that's it. I often do the same with her and i have a rant about work. Same with most of my friends with children.

I often think when someone has the time to tell you how busy they are and can list all the tasks that are keeping them busy, they are usually not that busy or compensating for something else. . 😜

I have a family member like this. She lives in another county as indeed do all my extended family.

I recall well in the first days of covid we both got it around the same time. She sent her Dcs to her mother who was in her bubble. The DCs stayed with her mother for 2 weeks (?- from memory).

I was on my own. With also 2 DCs. 1 aged 9 and one aged 6. I was so ill and could not self isolate. I recall crawling down the stairs resting all the way so I could make them beans on toast.

afterwards I asked her how it all was (texting). She replied that it was all fine but of course she had been 'organised'.

I think next time she talks about a trip or a night out I’d be tempted to say ‘oh I’m so glad you’re getting some time for yourself’. Every time. She’d find it a lot harder then to say she doesn’t get time for herself.

So many people saying they have a friend like this and they have to ‘bite their tongue’. Do you know what, just tell them. ‘Hang on don’t grandparents take them every weekend?? Haha!’ ‘ weren’t you at a hen door just last weekend??’.
’Do you know I’ve not had a child free evening for 1 year’?? Don’t you think you have allot of free time compared to me and many other Mums?!’

They need to be told silly btchs

Update - Today she’s been to get her nails done and is now out for cocktails in London.

if she moans on the next whatsapp I’m going to refer her to the social media posts she shared today

Yeah I know someone like that.

she took 6 months off after being made redundant. Her children were in school all day. I was working FT as was her DH. She tried to make me have one of her kids every Sunday (and her husband to take out the other) as she ‘never got a moment to herself’.
She goes on several weekends away without her husband/children.
Shes also suggested I have her children for a weekend because her and her DH ‘never get time alone’. This doesn’t include the weekends they go away alone apparently.

DD is 13. She has ASD and has attachment issues with me. DH has health issues and was very bad for a while so couldn’t look after her anyway, also she would do mental to be honest. I don’t have anyone else. I have not had one single night away from her since she was born. But I am meant to feel sorry for this ‘friend’ all the time. It’s very wearing.

What a ridiculous comment.

Do you ask dad's the same when they do their hobby every weekend.

I swear most misogyny is other women!

My brother and his wife do this, they have an 18 month old who has always slept and napped great. They have two sets of grandparents who babysit at least a couple times a week just so they can get out, baby is in nursery full time, they have a paid babysitter one night a week so they can go out to dinner, they are looking for a weekend babysitter etc. In their case, they are just having a REALLY hard time adjusting to parenthood and I sympathize but the unkind part of me often wants to say “what exactly did you think would happen?!” When did you think you’d actually need to parent a child?