Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting my parents is too expensive?

58 replies

Hooploop · 09/06/2023 18:29

My parents live 3 hours away (used to be an hour away until they retired to the coast). They're in their 60s and are moany, bitter and miserable much of the time. They expect me to visit regularly in the summer - they seem to think it's a holiday for me because they live near the sea. But it's hard work staying there for a few days to be honest!

It costs me over £250 every time I visit for a weekend. Petrol is £100, they expect me to take them out for a meal when I come up as a "thanks for having me" gesture. And at home they don't eat much, just sandwiches really. So I usually do a little shop for myself before I go, and often end up cooking meals for them too. Aibu to resent this a bit? It's expensive to travel there by train and takes about 6 hours, so not really a cheaper alternative. I can't afford to stay in a hotel or Airbnb every time I visit either as it's a pricey tourist area.

OP posts:
Roguebludger · 09/06/2023 18:30

Just cut down on visits by making excuses about how busy life is.

BonnieGlasses · 09/06/2023 18:35

They expect me to visit regularly in the summer - they seem to think it's a holiday for me because they live near the sea.

Are you me?! This is what my parents think too so I fully sympathise. I arrange to go once or twice over the summer for a long weekend and pretend I have too much on the rest of the time. But if it cost me as much as it's costing you I would probably only make one trip.

MissBPotter · 09/06/2023 18:40

Can’t you just be honest and say it costs too much? Say you’ll go to them once and invite them to you once or something? Having said that I find that my parents on a generous pension and no mortgage can’t understand why I have zero money to spend on myself (just because I’m only a teacher and I have to spend a fortune on childcare and mortgage). So they might not get it at first but I would keep on explaining. Don’t bankrupt yourself.

Newcareer2023 · 09/06/2023 18:42

Be honest say you can’t afford it and see what their response is if they love you and want to see you they will compromise and assist you financially.

oldestmumaintheworld · 09/06/2023 18:42

You do not need to go. I speak as a parent of two adult children and as the child of two very old (90+) parents. Just stop feeding the beast. If they weren't your parents you wouldn't go but because they are your parents you feel you have to make more of an effort. It's very generous of you that you do. That makes you a good person. But. What do they bring to the party? Not much. So don't stop completely, but cut it down. And don't fudge why. You can't afford it. You owe it to yourself.

BirdChirp · 09/06/2023 19:00

Mine are 5 hours away. They are a pleasure really, and provide nice meals, wouldn't expect me to take them out.

But it's expensive (train fare, pet sitter), and time consuming, so they accept I only see them abut 4 times a year and I only have so much annual leave as well. Please just cut down on it.

Flopsythebunny · 09/06/2023 19:14

Hooploop · 09/06/2023 18:29

My parents live 3 hours away (used to be an hour away until they retired to the coast). They're in their 60s and are moany, bitter and miserable much of the time. They expect me to visit regularly in the summer - they seem to think it's a holiday for me because they live near the sea. But it's hard work staying there for a few days to be honest!

It costs me over £250 every time I visit for a weekend. Petrol is £100, they expect me to take them out for a meal when I come up as a "thanks for having me" gesture. And at home they don't eat much, just sandwiches really. So I usually do a little shop for myself before I go, and often end up cooking meals for them too. Aibu to resent this a bit? It's expensive to travel there by train and takes about 6 hours, so not really a cheaper alternative. I can't afford to stay in a hotel or Airbnb every time I visit either as it's a pricey tourist area.

Don't go then.
You obviously dont like them very much so what's the point, unless it gives you something to moan about

WhatNoRaisins · 09/06/2023 19:16

No shame in being honest about what you can and can't afford OP.

Hbh17 · 09/06/2023 19:26

If they are "moany, bitter and miserable" then just don't go! The financial aspect is secondary to this, as it sounds like none of you enjoy the visits.

cracktheshutters · 09/06/2023 19:36

I take it you don’t stay in their home when you visit OP?

ArgosKettle · 09/06/2023 19:38

I don't get why your getting backlash from a few posters here...

It certainly does sound more laborious as opposed to relaxing so I would cut down and minimise visits if I was you. How do they feel about coming up to see you?

MiniCooperLover · 09/06/2023 19:38

How old are you OP? Why are you letting them dictate your free time?

Stompythedinosaur · 09/06/2023 19:40

Maybe go once a year as a duty visit and have them to you once a year? It doesn't sound like either of you enjoy it much.

Pubgardener · 09/06/2023 19:40

I’d cut down your visits. People like this are fine in small doses, but because of where they chose to move to you can’t do a short visit. Their choice to move has had a double-whammy- it costs you a lot to go, but you also no longer have the option of a flying visit.

I would tell them straight up that they made the choice to move and you can’t keep up with the expense of multiple visits.

Ostagazuzulum · 09/06/2023 19:42

Same situation. I just tell them I can't get time off work.

Hazelnuttella · 09/06/2023 19:43

Do they ever visit you?

I find it bizarre that they expect you to take them for dinner when you’ve come all the way to see them! They should be taking you out if they don’t want to cook, as they are the hosts.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/06/2023 19:47

My parents are shortly moving 200 miles away. Also to a holiday destination. They said they were going to have a 'visit toddler' fund. To pay for visiting me. Hopefully it'll work both ways. As it's going to cost me a fortune.

Cammac · 09/06/2023 19:49

it sounds so difficult to visit your “bitter, moany, difficult” parents. Why do you feel you need to visit?

Gosh! After reading the never ending disparaging posts from daughters and DIL’s I’m so relieved that my DC (and their families) always seem happy to visit me and I am always greeted with a warm welcome whenever I visit them.

I have two lovely daughters and 2 lovely DIL’s - plus 6 beautiful GC that I see on a regular basis. I couldn’t ask for more.

Why do you feel compelled to visit your family if they are hostile to your visits?

Midlander01 · 09/06/2023 19:49

Why can't you just say you can't afford it? And be firm on that. Offer to host them as an alternative if they insist on seeing you as frequently.

ThatFraggle · 09/06/2023 19:52

Midlander01 · 09/06/2023 19:49

Why can't you just say you can't afford it? And be firm on that. Offer to host them as an alternative if they insist on seeing you as frequently.

She should stop all that avocado toast and new iPhone every year.

mrwalkensir · 09/06/2023 19:52

Have had this - retired parents who are comfortably off . Expecting us to drive up and back to see them "for an hour or two". Not allowed to stay with them and can't afford a hotel. They'll never get it. We just get slagged off to their (well her) friends.

Georgiepud · 09/06/2023 20:01

My parents who moved away have always regarded it as their "duty" to visit me and it works OK as they also contribute towards food and board. They come to London 3 or 4 times a year.
Our kids are growing up fast and soon it won't be possible to make our daughter vacate her room for the grandparents. My parents are so generous they have offered to pay for a loft room conversion. I'm not boasting here, just saying that some parents do put themselves out and fall over backwards to make visits work.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 09/06/2023 20:06

NO shame in being honest but I would see it as your mum gave birth to you, they raised you and cared for you and put you through education. I think to give back is nice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2023 20:07

It is incredibly rude of them to expect you to take them out for a meal. They should be taking you out, especially if you’re ending up feeding them and have travelled all that way to see them.

It’s different with friends of course and totally normal practice to take your hosts out if staying for a few nights…. But not necessarily expected.

Wasywasydoodah · 09/06/2023 20:08

I never understand people who host but don’t feed their guests. My MIL was the same. We’d have to do a shop when we arrived. She lives close by now, and it’s soooo much easier

Swipe left for the next trending thread