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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing schools

28 replies

Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:07

My DH and I are having such a big dilemma. We’ve found out today that our dd has got a place in year 9 at a school we would love her to go to. If we had got the place a year ago, we know our dd would have likely been happy to go there, but now she is more settled at her current school. However, we are not happy about the path she is taking. She has really dipped academically and seems to have no motivation to try her best. I’m also not overly keen on her friendship circle, which is probably clouding my judgement about what to do. What should we do? If we accept the place, I know she’ll be really upset and hate us for a while, but has anyone ever done this and their dd has eventually forgiven them and settled into their new school ok? She does have friends from primary at the new school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:09

YABU to even think about moving her
YANBU I would seriously consider moving my dd

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 09/06/2023 16:12

YABU

If she's going to be that upset I wouldn't risk it, I would be working overtime to encourage her to think about it - and all the ways she can stay in touch with her current school friends but ultimately if it's a choice it needs to be hers.

you risk an unhappy angry learner who will probably be less inclined to improve academically.

ErmentrudeTheCow · 09/06/2023 16:22

Does she know you've applied to this school? Whilst I'm a firm believer that parents make the choice on their DC's education as they have the life experience to do so, she's not a young child d her views need to be considered.
Moving schools takes preparation, just the way you did when she 1st started primary and then for the move to secondary. Lots of positive discussions about the new school, visits, meeting up with any children you know who already go there. Basically positive vibes all the way.
Have you done all this and involved her?

fireflyloo · 09/06/2023 16:27

At her age your dd has to buy into the change, so you need to discuss it with her.

Beezknees · 09/06/2023 16:29

YABU to just decide this. Your post is all about you and what you want. You need to take your child's feelings into consideration. Teen years are a difficult time.

Original poster
Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:36

We have completely involved her. She wanted to be on the waiting list as her best friends from primary went to this school and had we been offered it last year, she would have more than likely gone. I have just seen a very big change in her and it isn’t a positive one. We’ve talked to her about it, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. She doesn’t do any extra curricular activities or gives up after one or 2 times. If she isn’t with her friend, she’s in her room on her phone. I know she’s been vaping, though she says she hasn’t done it since. I’m just very worried about the direction she is going down.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 09/06/2023 16:37

I think you have to ask yourself very honestly is this about the school or are you trying to get her away from a friendship group you don't like and what is it you don't like about them?

I don't necessarily think moving is the wrong answer; a good school can make a huge difference. But if you're just trying to switch up her friendship group you need to be aware that moving school alone may not fix that.

She will likely be very pissed off, as you say, and it will force a confrontation. If you think this friendship group is really bad news it might be that you have to do that. But there will be fireworks and it will put her in a bad frame of mind to join the new school. And it doesn't guarantee she won't stay in touch with these friends.

Original poster
Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:39

Beezknees · 09/06/2023 16:29

YABU to just decide this. Your post is all about you and what you want. You need to take your child's feelings into consideration. Teen years are a difficult time.

It’s not all about me, I’ve just tried to post as succinctly as possible to get the general idea across. I could have waffled on if you like and gone into a lot more depth

OP posts:
humbl · 09/06/2023 16:41

fireflyloo · 09/06/2023 16:27

At her age your dd has to buy into the change, so you need to discuss it with her.

Agree. It’s her choice too

underneaththeash · 09/06/2023 16:46

I would move her like a shot!

Saz12 · 09/06/2023 16:50

Have you discussed it with her yet? I'd be tempted to tell her clearly that since moving to current school, her grades have fallen, she's no interests, she's been caught vaping, she's not engaging with the school, teachers, etc. Tell her you want her to be happy and have opportunities through life, so you're strongly consideringng New School. Ask her to show you that staying at current school is best option for her.

redskylight · 09/06/2023 16:56

Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:36

We have completely involved her. She wanted to be on the waiting list as her best friends from primary went to this school and had we been offered it last year, she would have more than likely gone. I have just seen a very big change in her and it isn’t a positive one. We’ve talked to her about it, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. She doesn’t do any extra curricular activities or gives up after one or 2 times. If she isn’t with her friend, she’s in her room on her phone. I know she’s been vaping, though she says she hasn’t done it since. I’m just very worried about the direction she is going down.

I think you need to be careful to distinguish between changes that are due to her age/stage (which is what that sounds like, tbh) and things that are related to the school.

humbl · 09/06/2023 16:59

Previous poster has nailed it unfortunately that might have been the path she chose irrespective of educational environment. I wouldn’t blame the school necessarily. I would think a huge change of environment may potentially be counterproductive and make the problems worsen , too

toddlermom99 · 09/06/2023 17:03

YABU. Absolutely would not move a teenager schools at that age unless it was absolutely necessary. There's no saying that her friendship group or academic grades will be any better at the next school - in fact, the distribution of moving schools at such a detrimental age could make things worse.

Ballinluig · 09/06/2023 17:06

I'm a teacher and a mother who's been in a similar situation. I would absolutely move her without hesitation, better she hates you for a short while (if she even will, it's not guaranteed) than continue in an environment that is detrimental to her. Peer pressure/ 'friend groups'/ expectations at school etc can change an entire child's life, from exams to uni/ apprenticeships, career choices and so on, I have seen it over and over. You're the adult and you have experience on your side that she doesn't. It's good that you've involved her and this move is obviously done with love and concern rather than punishment, just try and help her to see that. Good luck xxx

JustMaggie · 09/06/2023 17:06

I would move her if she's ok with it. It sounds like the new school will be better.

GCalltheway · 09/06/2023 17:17

I would have her out of there!

VDisappointing · 09/06/2023 17:19

I think you need to think about what it is you are trying to achieve? Putting her in a situation where she hates you does not sound like a recipe of success to me. She is likely to rebel further and do exactly what she knows you don't want her to do.
Treat her opinion with some respect and she might respect you back. Visit the school with an open mind - both of you - and do a sensible list of pros and cons.
Also will she be starting at this school in year 9? I am just confused as at 14 I assumed she would be in a higher grade and I would be worried about the change at GCSE times.

Butterflybutterflies · 09/06/2023 17:24

Not quite the same but I moved DS for the start of year 9. He has SEN and was miserable at his first school. Even though it was a really negative experience he was still very bitter and resentful that I moved him. After a few months he stopped moaning.

He actually settled into his new school really quickly and is like a different happy child.

DarkPatrol · 09/06/2023 17:32

I would move her. You're the parent, you have to take the adult decisions.

Greetingsfellows · 09/06/2023 18:35

When I was a teen, my parents moved my school (through no discussion with me). I had been happy and had good friends. The only concern my parents had was the outdated reputation of the school. I went to the local ex-grammar instead. I was horrendously bullied in my new environment and was completely miserable.

The psychological impact of the bullying and my parents inability to value my opinion and feelings was substantial. Do not move your child against their wishes. Your daughter was open to the idea 12 months ago so discuss it with her. Be honest about your concerns. Make the decision together. You can always explain that if she's to stay where she is, you are going to want to see changes in her behaviour/attitude. You seem to hope that a change of school will solve all of the problems you are having. It could well make them worse.

Beezknees · 09/06/2023 18:48

Adifferentcorner · 09/06/2023 16:36

We have completely involved her. She wanted to be on the waiting list as her best friends from primary went to this school and had we been offered it last year, she would have more than likely gone. I have just seen a very big change in her and it isn’t a positive one. We’ve talked to her about it, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. She doesn’t do any extra curricular activities or gives up after one or 2 times. If she isn’t with her friend, she’s in her room on her phone. I know she’s been vaping, though she says she hasn’t done it since. I’m just very worried about the direction she is going down.

That all sounds like completely normal teen behaviour? They all live in their rooms and spend a lot of time on their phone. The vaping isn't great but it's probably a phase, I went through a stage of smoking cigs at school to fit in but I didn't actually like them! I don't smoke as an adult.

towriteyoumustlive · 09/06/2023 18:55

Ballinluig · 09/06/2023 17:06

I'm a teacher and a mother who's been in a similar situation. I would absolutely move her without hesitation, better she hates you for a short while (if she even will, it's not guaranteed) than continue in an environment that is detrimental to her. Peer pressure/ 'friend groups'/ expectations at school etc can change an entire child's life, from exams to uni/ apprenticeships, career choices and so on, I have seen it over and over. You're the adult and you have experience on your side that she doesn't. It's good that you've involved her and this move is obviously done with love and concern rather than punishment, just try and help her to see that. Good luck xxx

I'm also a teacher and agree 100% with thus.

Goldbar · 09/06/2023 19:05

I would move her. It sounds like her life chances are being impacted by the current school environment and peer group.

Memysel · 09/06/2023 19:18

A teenager needs stability, happiness and guidance. If she decides that she wants to stay in current school, you need to allow her to make that decision. Allowing her to make her own decisions will go much further than controlling her life.
I appreciate that this might be heard to hear, but she needs to grow on her own and make her own decisions in life. Be her support and guidance, but do not make the decision on her behalf.
A school should be much more than just getting good grades.
If she has good guidance and support from home she will see sense when the time is right.
Employees will appreciative an employee that is able to work independently and make their own decisions rather than an employee that is waiting on instruction every single time because they haven't been allowed to make their own decision throughout their life.
On a side note, why is there so much pressure on children so young to achieve in life, at that age they should enjoy life carefree.