AIBU to say no to helping increased contact

[ABugWife]

A family member is only allowed supervised contact with their children and it has fallen on me to accommodate this.

So it is once a week after work for 3 hours and then every other weekend for 4 hours.

They went back to court this week and I was lead to believe that the supervision aspect would be dropped. However this is not the case. My family member has actually requested to increase contact time, so one day every other weekend would now be for 8 hours, 10 - 6 .

The thing is, no one bothered to ask me am I available for these increased hours. I have a full time job and three children of my own, plus hobbies and a relationship to try and fit in.

It feels like a big commitment.

I have said sorry, I can only do 10 - 4 at the weekends as I have my own stuff to fit in. Family member is apparently unhappy with this (coming from their partner, they haven't said so themselves) Family member hasn't even bothered to tell me contact had changed!

So AIBU to say no to the change and offer a compromise. I know it's the only chance they have to see their kids so I feel terrible but I have my own life to fit in too.

No not U at all. Is there no one else in the family who can share the load with you. I'm presuming it was something this person has done which has lead to this limited contact? You reap what you sow.

They will have to use a contact centre, I wouldn’t be doing this!

You don’t get supervised contact for nothing. They will have to have what either you can give or use a centre

Unfortunately not as contact has to be set each week, I have other siblings who could potentially have helped but they have their own things going on so they haven't been asked.

It is partially due to their behavior but also a lot down to the manipulative ex, I say that without bias as my family is definitely not suitable to be the resident parent but I don't think they need to be supervised either.

There is a lot of stuff that went on within the relationship and it does feel like this is another punishment for daring to leave. Contact was withheld altogether for 5 months.

Yes, like pp says, they can use a contact centre. YANBU at all OP, I can't believe they didn't even bother to check with you!

The contact centre wouldn't touch the case, they said it was too complex as there was an ongoing criminal court case at the time. (my family member was the victim, Ex was the defendant)

This has since been dropped by the CPS so i suppose it could possibly an option now.

I don't mind on the whole helping out, the children are my family too and I love seeing them. I just feel bad for reducing the amount of time I am able to offer.

I have other siblings who could potentially have helped but they have their own things going on so they haven't been asked.

But you have your own things going on as well,OP. You have a full time job and your own children.

Tell your family member what you can comfortably do and let your siblings take up some of the slack.

I wouldn't be doing this and if something goes wrong you could get accused of alsorts that's why we have contact centres

Yanbu. You are doing more than enough to help already and shouldn't be expected to compromise your own family time for someone else. As above pp's say, they will have to use a contact centre

Contact was yesterday - Family member wasn't there at 10, I had text a reminder on Saturday, I text at 10.10, no reply.

10.30 I get a text saying they had over slept and would be there in 5 mins. finally turned up at 11.am. I asked whats the point of increasing contact if they can't be bothered to show up.

Honestly so frustrating and as usual, it wasn't their fault, they had just forgotten to set an alarm. They weren't late on purpose therefore I shouldn't be angry.

This is a person who didn't see their children for 5 months and now has court approved contact and yet they didn't set an alarm and were late to the extended time they want?

And you don't think supervised contact is required?

It clearly is. Your relative is unable to prioritise the children's needs and meet their expectations. Until they take responsibility for their own actions and put the children first every single time then supervision is needed.

I really think you should stop making excuses for them and stop letting them use you as a meat-shield who picks up their slack.

So disappointing OP.

I guess I was thinking more that they aren't a danger to the children as in able to look after them, I didn't think of it terms of reliability. If I wasn't there for drop off then what would have happened.

It's so frustrating that they refuse to take responsibility. They were late the week before last to week day contact because they didn't realise what day it was.

Those kids are so lucky to have a doting person who loves spending time with them!

Ok... I used to work in contact centres supervising these sessions...

1. As others have said, to have supervised contact only are from serious concerns - this is not a kid being late for school /or a parent swearing in front of them!

1. The late arrival /general not mentioning expecting you to facilitate... Aren't indicative of devoted parent moving heaven and earth to see their kids.. Late arrivals at contact centre was not uncommon- oversleeping was a common reason given .... Sometimes was obvious they were hungover /coming down.

( Put on multiple alarms /get a passing friend to hammer on your door at key time. - if you're serious about seeing your kids...! ).

The repeat offenders (continually late/not turning up /) we used to eventually withdraw support... (after we had several problem-solving chats with them... Obvs different if medical issues or a one off..)! Contact centres are an expensive resource.... (why so many family are asked now!).

I think you need to be really clear HOW many hours you are happy to give... Before these kids are on doorstep expecting to be looked after!

PS men returning to court often believe (wrongly) that they are able to get their supervision aspect voided... When there has been zero change in their behavior!!

Another point... You arr getting a sanitised/wrong version why they can't see their kods unsupervised.... Social services will have a better overview than family does!

I don't know how you did it @IamtheDevilsAvocado , I am beyond frustrated at my family member and that is just one person.

I was out of the house at 1am picking up my won DC from a party (my children are older) and I still managed to get up on time.

If you only see your children 6 times a month then you sure as hell be on time. Nothing should be in the way of that!

Unfortunately I think my family member knows I will pick up the slack, not for them, but for the kids who are desperate to spend time with their mum.

Totally outing here but it's not the first time we have been through this either. She has an older child who also lives with their dad that she rarely sees at all. That child is a teen and going off the rails unsurprisingly. I am trying to do all I can to see a better outcome for these children but it just won't be enough I fear.

OP this doesn't sound sustainable at all. I would be pushing your sibling to get this into a contact centre, it would be more reliable for all.

@ABugWife

The not taking responsibility /continual excuses and you absolutely shouldn't blame him for his actions 😕/lack of reliability..... THIS WILL ALL BE PART OF THE PICTURE!

As you know, kids need consistent, reliable loving adults... Not ones who cant be arsed to turn up on time for their precious protected time every week/who need continual prompts to do the most basic things.

You say he jas a manipulative ex... This is no doubt the narrative he's created.... I've met plenty of men who bounce back & forth to family courts asking for more and more contact (which they rarely, consistently, turn up for...).

They appear to do this to manipulate /dominate their ex partners....
(it's very difficult to have a normal life with your kids... When you're taking them back & forth for contact....). I remember several men delighted that their exes cancelled their plans /'couldn't see new boyfriend' as they had to facilitate contact... That the bloke, high-handedly wouldn't turn up for/very late... Pure dominance/coercive control.

If the women didn't facilitate the men KNEW that this may well go ib their favour when they return to the family court....

The thing with a contact centre, if mum is late or doesn't turn up, the children are in a very uncomfortable situation and it's very obvious to them.

If they are just at mine and mum is late I can distract them, keep them entertained, feed they biscuits etc and it hopefully doesn't feel quite so shit for them.

So sorry you're going through this OP and no, it's absolutely not unreasonable for you to want time for your family and yourself. This could be shared out among several relatives. I suspect, however, your relative won't bother to do this and will simply blame you.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado My family member is female. I know she isn't trying to manipulate or control the ex, throughout their relationship it was very much the other way round.

So much so that the police were trying to prosecute. We initially believed he took the children just to punish her.

However reading through some of the reports and things I do genuinely believe the children are better off where they are.

Sorry, i missed that the non-resident parent was female!

I was trying not to out myself but it is hard to keep up all the they/them stuff.

Lots of supposition in this. Did you miss that it's MUM that is ops family member and doesn't have custody? Your rant against men is completely biased and irrelevant to ops situation .

I absolutely get your instinct to protect the DC from the truth about their inadequate parent OP but I don't think you can, or at least not completely. The only way this can possibly work is if you have cast iron boundaries and the strength to enforce them, not easy when there's (naturally) so much emotion involved.

I'm thinking you set the hours you're happy to provide supervision (sister can take it or leave it, that's what's on offer) and you have a 'x strikes and you're out' approach to her turning up on time, if she's late more than x times you will withdraw yourself from supervising contact.

It will be hard, sister will likely kick back and there will be short term drama but you hold all the power here. Taking the DC out of the equation for a second you are doing your sister a massive favour and it's entirely reasonable that you decide how much time you are willing to commit, even though dsis will likely not see it that way!

The DC are lucky to have you but you can't (and probably shouldn't) protect them from every failure by their parent. They will be able to see when they look back as adults how hard you tried to fill that gap and they will understand that you had to do it around your own life and responsibilities. You are doing your best for all of them but you can't be all things to all people