AIBU to say no to helping increased contact

[ABugWife]

A family member is only allowed supervised contact with their children and it has fallen on me to accommodate this.

So it is once a week after work for 3 hours and then every other weekend for 4 hours.

They went back to court this week and I was lead to believe that the supervision aspect would be dropped. However this is not the case. My family member has actually requested to increase contact time, so one day every other weekend would now be for 8 hours, 10 - 6 .

The thing is, no one bothered to ask me am I available for these increased hours. I have a full time job and three children of my own, plus hobbies and a relationship to try and fit in.

It feels like a big commitment.

I have said sorry, I can only do 10 - 4 at the weekends as I have my own stuff to fit in. Family member is apparently unhappy with this (coming from their partner, they haven't said so themselves) Family member hasn't even bothered to tell me contact had changed!

So AIBU to say no to the change and offer a compromise. I know it's the only chance they have to see their kids so I feel terrible but I have my own life to fit in too.

The contact centre wouldn't touch the case, they said it was too complex as there was an ongoing criminal court case at the time. (my family member was the victim, Ex was the defendant)

Have you actually been told that by someone official, OP? That's what contact centres are set up for, they can stagger different parties arriving and leaving etc so there no crossover. Contact.centres absolutely do facilitate contact when there's a criminal court case going on, I've known of families this has applied to.

Is there a chance that your relative has told you that the contract centre isn't an option, knowing you'll cover up for their lateness etc where a contact centre won't? I really feel for you but this isn't a situation you can sort - the children will notice mum is late etc, even at a very young age, and ultimately is it in their best interests to be having increased contact when their parent isn't reliable enough to attend it?

I haven't heard anything at all from anyone official. It was Dsis that said the contact centre wouldn't do it.

its so hard when there are two amazing kids stuck in the middle of all this and we just want to shake her!

Ultimately I feel somewhat responsible, I encouraged her to leave the relationship, it was abusive and controlling. What I didn't see coming was her deteriorating to the point she couldn't look after the children on her own. He was keeping her on the straight and narrow to some extent.

None of this is your fault. You couldn't have known this is how things would end up, or prevented it, and you've gone out of your way to facilitate contact.

Ultimately you can't paper over the cracks for your sis. She (it seems) has lied to you about the contact centre, and she's asked for more contact then let her children down by not turning up for it.

I have adopted DC, my DD remembers her birth mum not turning up for contact, and how she (my DD) would make excuses for her that the bus must be late or the day was wrong etc. My DD was pre school aged at the time It's horrible to see the children caught up in this, but I don't think it's in your hands to fix it.

That is heartbreaking! I am so glad your DD has you now.

I am by no means the perfect mum but I just can't imagine not putting my kids first to this extent.

It is really hard to comprehend I think, that someone can let their child down in this way. It's not the same at all I know as this is your sis, but I have a lot of compassion for my DCs birth mum. She isn't a bad person, at all, and she loved her kids. But she wasn't able to put them first, or really understand how her behaviour was damaging to them. And she paid a very heavy price for that.

Your sis and her DC are very lucky to have you.