To those of you who had children with an abusive partner...

[MAREMCKENNA]

Did you ever tell them their dad was abusive? I'm specifically not aiming this at those whose children witnessed abuse, but more so towards those who have a similar situation to me. Left partner, partner no contact with both parties for years, fought for contact, had to do a domestic abuse programme, got contact back just like that, and now I'm wondering about the future and if it would ever be a good idea to tell my son the truth (when he's an older teen or adult) about his dad. Or is it just too damaging? Feeling a bit confused and worrying about the future which is a long way off, but doesn't stop me wandering what the best thing to do would be. Would you want to know? I know not many will have exactly the same scenario, but possibly similar and will be able to impart some wisdom of what they did when their kids were older...

To add I have never said a bad word about his dad and never would. I would only ever consider saying anything if he asked and only when he's much older. Just wondering how this has panned out with others.

Have asked this to be moved to parenting as isn't an AIBU.

Children who are adopted/fostered (due to abuse) are usually given "life story books" these are age appropriate and give some details of why they no longer live with the abusive family member(s). The idea is that the child grows up knowing the truth and therefore doesn't grow up with this idealised version of the absent parent and doesn't have a big shock when they start asking questions as a teenager (when hormones are zooming around amplifying emotions and reactions).

This may or may not be for you, but there are some templates online if you wanted to explore this further: https://www.socialworkerstoolbox.com/life-story-book-templates-examples/

No experience but I’d find an age appropriate way to tell him - otherwise you run the risk of them having a rose tinted view of the absent father and if he ever came back on the scene it’s only fair to give your son a full picture. I’m sure the NSPCC has resources about how to deal with this situation

Thank you. I also worry about him going to unsupervised contact and having no idea about how not all adults are nice, as he's not had any experience of an adult treating him badly. But he just seems far too young to talk about it and I'm so worried he would mention it and it would be raised with courts by his father. It's a minefield, which is why I had made the decision in my head not to mention anything until he asks. It's just so hard to know what is right.

He is already on the scene, with supervised contact.

Age appropriate. DD is 11 and has maybe asked me to forgive daddy since 8 (he's has unsupervised contact for a while) You start with no, daddy wasn't nice to mummy, but I've heard he's nice to (gf's name!) and then recently she's asked specific questions like "did daddy hurt you" and I answer factually without emotion

Oh apologies!

But the resource from a PP is great, don’t cover for your ex. My parents split when I was a baby and my mum didn’t tell me her was violent on their marriage. I wish she had as I found out myself she 13 when he got loaded and beat his girlfriend black and blue in front of me. It was absolutely terrifying and had I known he was like that I’d have stopped overnight visits sooner, I was old enough and wise enough to know it made him a danger to me.

Good luck OP!

Could you speak to someone at the contact centre about this? Perhaps they have some books you could borrow or resources you could draw from, or a person who could help you plan and practice what you want to say to your son.

A list of children's books that might be useful: https://www.singleparents.org.uk/information/abuse-violence/books-for-children-after-domestic-abuse

When he was 12, I told my DS his Dad bit and punched me and that was why we split up. He was gutted & had no idea, we split up when he was 6 and his sister was 3 and I protected them from the truth. He was asking why I left his Dad because of money and basically had got the wrong end of the stick (fed by exH) and I just blurted out the truth.

I felt so sick of not advocating for myself and I wanted him to understand the impact of male on female violence. We have spoken about it since in a much less charged way but I am not sure the damage it has done. He seems okay and still sees his Dad. I don't say anything negative about his Dad to him.

My father was abusive but my mother has never once named him as that. And because of this I’ve always felt she downplayed his actions and growing up it took me a long time to find out the difference between right and wrong.
so for this reason I would encourage you to tell your son the truth. Even if he’s too young to remember, you don’t want him finding out second hand.

I know its frowned upon to "bad mouth" an abusive ex but really who does that benefit?

I think it's better to tell the truth. In a matter of fact way , and age appropriate. I also think when they are old enough they should have all the facts however unpleasant so that any choice they make regarding continuing or pursuing A relationship is as informed as possible.

Definitely tell the truth, in an age appropriate way. I was hesitant, like you. Primarily, because I didn’t want to upset the kids and make them feel that their Dad, and by extension, they, were bad. I didn’t want them to feel bad for loving him, or feel like they shouldn’t love him. I was also concerned about being accused of parental alienation. My CAFCASS officer actually advised me to be more upfront, so this advice comes from “the horses mouth” so to speak. She even wrote a letter to the kids that was quite clear, in an appropriate way, why Daddy wasn’t allowed to see them at the minute. She told me they won’t understand why their Dad can’t have contact if I keep leaving out the part about why his behaviour was not ok. She was right. I’ve handled it much more honestly, but in a sensitive and balanced way since, and the kids accept and understand the situation much better now.

No don’t bother my eldest kids Dad was horrendous my 16yo remembers but the younger two don’t, I wouldn’t dream of sitting them down and saying a thing! Not only that now there all older they are getting a really good idea of his personality people like that don’t change!

But I think to sit them down to tell them is very unreasonable imagine how awkward it would be for a start? And it comes across like you really want them to know for you! Think of the kids! Outrageous.

@Babsexxx I don't understand - what do you mean by "think of the kids"?
Also what/ why do you think that it's outrageous?

Think of the kids is exactly what I mean I haven’t minced my words, no matter how politely put can damage them as they see a sense of confusion and wonder if it’s there fault! Questions of weather or not that’s what they’ll become in life? so yes I think it’s outrageous to put any child/young adult through any of it.

Speaking from someone with experience from this, and how would it exactly benefit the kids them knowing? It wouldn’t.

@Babsexxx there's a lot of people sharing exactly why it's important that children know about things like this in a sensitive and age appropriate way.
It happened to them too.

Many of them will have witnessed or experienced the abuse too even if they don't clearly remember that.

Children and adults who don't understand their past, what happened in their families and why the situation is as it is can be really impacted by the gaps and the lack of information.

We think we're being kinder to them by concealing the harsh realities but actually we are harming them. Having an open, honest dialogue with our kids takes away the shame and the fear.

So you wouldn't tell a 5 year old that daddy strangled mummy and threw her down the stairs but you might tell them that
'daddy hurt mummy when he got angry and we want to make sure you feel safe which is why you go and see daddy at the family centre'.

I don’t even think that’s appropriate in context to a 5yo, I wouldn’t even suggest “Daddy hurt Mummy” I’d say “Sorry but mummy and daddy aren’t really friends anymore but that’s ok we both still love you!”.

Not accurate at all to insinuate that it’s lying and it’s idamaging and tbh it’s not lying it’s not like OP has stated that when her children come to her and ask, she’s asking if she should let them know in future, so there’s that.

My mum told my Brother and Sister about there Dad and very politely so but my sister really struggles even as a late 20’s to woman even if she raises her voice at someone and questions her temperament when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong in said situations, it’s left her as a very vunerable adult who is a people pleaser to the point of it being unhealthy.

Surely your 16 year old will tell them at some point?

I didn't share anything with my Ds1 until he was in his early 20s.

I spent so many years not saying anything negative about his dad and my family never saying anything negative about his dad. I even allowed myself to be the villain of the breakup.

It was actually when my DD (not ExH's child) started asking questions, aged about 9, that I realised I needed to tell DS. His dad's behaviour included an offence against one of my family members, which others outside of the family knew about. It was not sustainable to never say anything negative.

I don't know when I should have told him more. It is tricky. I was a teenage mum that spent years in an abusive relationship, I was very naive in lots of ways. The abuser stays in your head for years, the control extends long after the relationship ends.

Also nothing was ever reported to police, the family member didn't report either. So it really is just my word. DS says things make a lot more sense with the ExH's relationship with his SM and his reaction to DS wanting to have a conversation about his past actions.

I'm sorry about your family experience and your sister's difficulties. A child knowing what happened in their family isn't what damages them if it's done in a way that's ok for their age and stage.

But we do know that children who have lived in abusive households can have difficulties as they get older and there's lots of adults still bearing the emotional damage of early childhood experiences.
You don't shield them from that by not telling them things that can help them make sense of their story.

Please be assured that what I have said comes from professional training and experience and I'm not plucking this stuff out of thin air.
Nor are others on this thread with their own personal or professional experience including the one who talked about the CAFCASS officer writing to the child.

I'm sorry that you disagree but respectfully, you are wrong.

She could I suppose but like I said men like him don’t change they are already picking up on a few of his undesirable traits, he’s not abusive to them but they have seen him very short tempered driving road rage etc they’re 13 and 11 now.

Its strange because my 16yo has not a lot to do with him but the 13yo and 11yo don’t yet question her as to why…but I wouldn’t exactly take it upon myself to have a big sit down conversation and explain it to them as I don’t think it does anyone any good.

I did not tell my children in an age appropriate way
Aspects came out in anger, upset and frankly fear because I had never really dealt with what happened myself which was not good for the kids.
I stupidly expected my children to speak up where I couldn't, and all that happened was they did what I did, minimised, hid details and acted like things were ok after weekends at his.
It became clear there were issues, my daughter stopped seeing him.
Son continued to see him up until 14, then reconnected at 18.

Daughter got counselling and is a much more resilient person.
Son did not, he's angry with the word, has a dislike of women and sadly replicating behaviours of his Dad. Not the violence but the blame attitude, assumption he's owed something and determination to cheat the system - I do believe unless he gets a handle on that it will boil over into violence so now it's exceptionally hard trying to parent and educate an angry young adult who no longer lives at home and I've left it far too late.

Their Dad, through mental illnesses got to the stage he couldn't care for himself. He's now physically disabled (lost a leg and use of his hands) and suffered a series of strokes which means he's learning to speak again. It also means as I've spent far too long minimising anything I say now is seen by my son as an attack on someone who is severely disabled, not on the person he once was.

I really feel if I'd handled it all better, been more open in an age appropriate, neutral non emotional way they would have the skills to understand what was happening for me to help sooner.
They would better understand right from wrong
Above all, they'd know the behaviour is 100% their Dad and not because they did something wrong.
If you can talk to them. If you can't, have someone else talk to them and focus on getting yourself help so you can talk about it. Do not hide it.

no I haven’t told my children and I’m surprised so many have.

That's fine if they aren't seeing their dad. Much more problematic when they have to see him unsupervised every other weekend and half the holidays.

It's a highwire act - wanting to protect and validate them, but not wanting them to be worried about seeing him.

I would certainly talk to them in an age appropriate way as time goes by and issues crop up. I would hate for them to think that their inevitable concerns about him aren't valid.

I wrote a more personal post, but he's a stalker, so deleted it. Being paranoid is part of the package now.