To those of you who had children with an abusive partner...

[MAREMCKENNA]

Did you ever tell them their dad was abusive? I'm specifically not aiming this at those whose children witnessed abuse, but more so towards those who have a similar situation to me. Left partner, partner no contact with both parties for years, fought for contact, had to do a domestic abuse programme, got contact back just like that, and now I'm wondering about the future and if it would ever be a good idea to tell my son the truth (when he's an older teen or adult) about his dad. Or is it just too damaging? Feeling a bit confused and worrying about the future which is a long way off, but doesn't stop me wandering what the best thing to do would be. Would you want to know? I know not many will have exactly the same scenario, but possibly similar and will be able to impart some wisdom of what they did when their kids were older...

@MAREMCKENNA

I left my abusive ex when my DC were 8 months old and 2.6 years old. When my eldest was around 6 she started asking about her dad, I didnt have a clue what to say or do. So I spoke to the school about it and they said the best thing to do was to tell them the truth in a child friendly manner. Not to lie and accidently put him on a pedestal

My ex was found guilty of assaulting me and given a 2 year restraining order. Alongside that they put on the order that he wasnt allowed to contact or communicate with any child of the family unless authorised by social services, family court, the local authority and or a solicitor.

So my kids know that their dad isnt allowed to see them ( I told them the police said so rather than explain about court ect ) because he isnt a nice man and he hurt me and hurts other people.

I'll forever be grateful to the judges that day for helping me keep my babies safe. I know several women who have been in the same situation as me and I'm the only one whose ex was told he wasnt allowed to see the kids, everyone else I know has to take their kids to contact centres to see their abusive fathers. I'm very very lucky in that sense. But then again, I went through a lot to get that "luck"

I really disagree with the poster above guilting people who have already been through the horror of domestic abuse for telling the truth. DC get confused about why they are split between two households if you are evasive and try to sweep things under the carpet when they ask the reason why their parents split up. DC are not stupid, they can tell when their questions aren't answered truthfully and what message are you giving them by lying to them? That you don't respect them enough to tell them the truth? If they can't trust you, their Mum, who the hell can they trust? Why should we be complicit in the continuing cycle of domestic abuse by keeping it quiet?

I told DS because I felt like exH was continuing to abuse me by manipulating the DC into thinking I left him because I was annoyed he wouldn't let me spend money. Why would I be complicit in allowing my son to be part of that? If we don't teach our sons and daughters how wrong this is by being honest about the impact it has on families how will we ever break this grip it has on us? Women are murdered every week by partners and expartners. I was nearly killed myself. Keeping quiet and pretending it isn't happening benefits nobody. Views like above, placing the emphasis on women keeping quiet, are dangerous.

I don't believe in lying to children or shielding abusers. It does not 'protect' children to pretend that everything is fine with their other parent.

I have a somewhat different example. A few months after I first met my stepdaughter, when she was 6, she came up to me and said 'I know my mum was sick, but nobody says what was wrong, I think the doctors gave her too much food and drink and then she died'. Seriously, she sounded so sad, and so grown up. But what an awful misconception.

I said to her no, she did have too many drinks, she drank a lot of wine and it made her very sick, and then I went and got (now) DH and said she needs more of an explanation. He and his family had tried to cope by shielding her from the truth, and it was causing more pain. I was privileged that she came and spoke to me.

I am a firm believer that children need to know the truth in an age-appropriate way. Otherwise they are likely to 'fill in the gaps' themselves.

I would tell him when he starts asking.
It's important for him to know that abuse should always mean the end of a relationship (although he's little now, he will probably date one day) and that there's no chance of reconciliation like in films.
If he finds out as a teen or adult then he will be angry at you for lying/withholding info rather than being angry at his dad. By the time he's say 10 he should have some sort of idea that you're not together because he hurt you. He might not be ready for more than that until older but children are better at accepting that kind of info than older children and growing up with the knowledge is kinder imo.

@knittingaddict Yes, I can totally appreciate it’s different again, and even more difficult when there is an element of unsupervised contact. This will probably be my situation too eventually, and I’m not looking forward to it. I know it will be alot harder when the kids aren’t getting one, consistent narrative. I have been fortunate, if anyone in this position can be described as such. I went the long and official route, through fact findings and section 7 etc, which has given me a substantial paper trail from various organisations, a proportion of which is actually written for and addressed to the children, which I can fall back on if the children need a “third opinion” when they are older and ready for it.
@Babsexxx your entitled to your view, but I would say that unfortunately abuse tends to echo down the generations. If a parent is not clear about what love and a healthy relationship does and does not look like with their children, while they are young and forming their view of the world, they run the risk that their children will be next.