To not travel 12 hours+ for Christmas with 2 under 3?

[babymashe]

My mother lives very far away and it takes an 11 hour flight + airport time either side of the journey (And often delays) and then 8 hours jet lag either side. She also lives in a remote area with not a lot going for it. (Would not know how to keep the three year old entertained +she just resorts to 24/7 screen time)

Anyway, I tried to tell her that we might not be coming this Christmas and she just absolutely lost it, said I'm trying to cut my family off and deny my children time and a relationship with their grandparents and that we already didn't come last year, and that she was going to throw out all the kids items that she'd gotten when I visited with my first (was there for 2 months + so it was all needed). Told me I'd regret it for the rest of my life etc. v dramatic.

I'd even first suggested let's meet halfway so we still spend time together and she just said NO, your step dad likes to spend Xmas at home and that's where we will be so if you want to go do your own thing, do it. (but is very angry)

For context - In the past 10 years the only 2 times I haven't been for Christmas were when I was giving birth to my first baby (and it was lockdown) and last year, where we'd just gone through the process of selling, buying a new house, renovations(!!) and moving in, and the stress of taking a 2 year old on that journey possibly would have broken us! (She was also annoyed but got over it eventually)
This year, at Christmas I will have a 6 month old and a nearly 3 year old and I'm thinking I don't really want to do that journey, I'll only be 6 mos post partum and probably sleep deprived, all for a Christmas that they won't even remember - plus we want to create some traditions in our own new home! It's also quite costly to go and would rather spend that money on a real holiday (visiting mum still involves cooking, cleaning, and being crammed with 2 babies in a v small room etc). She argues everyone is there to 'help' but I'm the one up at night, and with the mental burden of the kid's routine etc etc., her nor my sister nor stepdad truly 'take over'.

AIBU?

YANBU.

I was minded to say YABU because it’s June but given the context it fine to be laying your boundaries out now. She can choose to visit you or - as you very reasonably offered- meet halfway ( more than I’d do).

Let her sulk and decide how much she wants to see you and the DC.

So she's happy for you to sacrifice the considerable cost of travel and also to miss out on you and your kids waking up and having Christmas in YOUR home?

She sounds lovely.

I would be firmly saying that your child's first Christmas will be in their own home and that's final. I wouldn't even travel halfway after such an absurd temper tantrum.

She can leave your Stepdad at home and make the journey herself if her relationship with her grandkids is so vital to her..... But it sounds like it's only vital on her terms.

If it was me, I would travel to her every third year.

One year at your home. One year visiting her and one year where you give her the option of meeting at a destination you would like to visit. If she declines, then you see her for Christmas every third year and that's tough.

Don't let her bully you! I resented my Christmases growing up because they were dominated by family visits.
I wanted to wake up in my own bed, open presents with my siblings and be "just us" for the morning.

Just don’t go.
book and go for nice winter holiday in the alps in a hotel. Say family are welcome to join if they want to spend Xmas with you.

Does she ever visit you?

Suggest she face times your dc Christmas day but your Christmas will be same as hers... In your own home. And do not bend op.

Yes she does, my sister also lives here so she comes to visit us both + she also has her own flat here now, so can stay comfortably for as long as she needs, and I'm more than happy to take the DCs over. She's coming for three months this summer!

I'm happy to travel further when the little ones are a bit older and I'm feeling stronger!

We used to travel to grandparents when DS was a baby but once DD came along DH put his foot down. All were welcome to come to us but we were no longer travelling. It had been a nightmare hiding DS's presents on the way there and he just wanted to play with his new toys at home.

Your DM is welcome to come to your house if she wants, but you won't go to hers. Tough luck if her DH wants Christmas in his home, you want Christmas in yours.

Not unreasonable at all. I firmly believe that when little kids are involved then people can come to you, unless you want to travel. Christmas at home is so important to me - no young kid wants it to feel like a slog. They want their presents and to feel comfortable.

What a selfish woman your mother is!
You do all the leg work having to travel all that distance with children and she sits on her bum, then throws her toys out of the pram if you refuse!
I wouldn’t go. Let her stew. She’s the only one who will regret it in the long run. There is no way I would travel that far with tiny children. Christmas is about children, it should be what suits their needs, not your mothers.

Yes lots of things only vital on her terms... so the reaction maybe shouldn't come as such a surprise, but sometimes you do doubt yourself. Thanks for the reassurance and also a really good point about the importance to the kids of being a family unit. Thanks for sharing your experience.

This is why I am so glad we set the precedent before kids came along that we stay at home Christmas day. Tell her that like your step dad you want to spend Christmas in your own house, and they are more than welcome to join you.

I congratulate you on standing up to her. My Ex H never would. And the level of dramatics and manipulation escalated and in the end the situation plus his refusal to put me and our family unit first ended our marriage. We went every year and i was so miserable at times and missing my own family and friends. Wanted to make our own traditions. Wanted to not be exhausted and to not be disappointed at the lack of help despite all the promises.

I know it isn't easy but you have put your husband and kids first. And also yourself!

Christ, it never ceases to amaze me what other people will demand from women with young children. OK, you live overseas, but for a few years while they are little it won't kill her not to see you or come to you at xmas. FFS she's coming for 3 months in the summer. Don't do it OP. The travel will be exhausting. Imagine if you get delayed? Enjoy Xmas with your little ones at home. Their peak Xmas years are a few years away anyway, go when they're a bit older.

Even more unreasonable given a summer visit this year. Travelling at Christmas if it involves flying is often difficult, another example of borders agency failure, even though Christmas celebrations have happened for hundreds of years.

The every third year seems reasonable to me.

Gosh yes very good point re border control!! the queues at passport control in the US border can literally be up to 2 hours sometimes and they don't give a if you have little kids or not! Last time with my first, we were delayed so spent over 15 hours on the plane and then 2 hours at border control. Was torturous. Her responses is often 'everyone does it' or 'the plane is full of kids' - so I should just suck it up, often makes me think am I being unfair, but you're right, travelling with young kids never mind HAVING young kids is hard and it's ok to not try to do everything.

Of course you’re NBU OP.

YABU. For talking about Christmas in June.

Your dad wants to stay in his home for Xmas

You want to to the same for your kids

So either Xmas alone or meet halfway so neither in own home

I would prob try and go early dec so that can see then but not over Xmas

Yanbu, maybe suggest she travels to you instead?

When kids are little, it is a joy to do the nighttime stocking and Christmas morning traditions at home. It is also an absolute nightmare to travel long distances and sleep in strange places with small children - especially when thyley are hyped up for Christmas.

We do Christmas eve and Christmas morning at home. We have hosted, and we have gone to local family on the day. We are also happy to travel reasonable distances (not 11-12 hour flights) to see family on boxing day/ over the rest of the holidays. My husband and I have said we'd be happy to do Christmas eve and day with family - but, with little children we would need to be there 2 or 3 days before Christmas eve... Otherwise there will be no sleep for anyone and everyone will be massively grumpy on Christmas day. And travel would have to be reasonable (a few hours no problem, again no 11+ hour flights).

Our view seems to be reflected by most other families we know with small children. And no one, no one has complained about it.

Stay home this year, and the next few. You can arrange other trips (perhaps your mum actually traveling to you for once) at other times of the year - or, as you suggested, find a mid-way compromise. Why should your adult step-father's unwillingness to do Christmas anywhere but where he lives trump your families happiness and well being. Not to mention the costs expected of you making this annual pilgrimage for their comfort.

Why does what her husband wants to do becomes more important then what your husband wants to do ? So selfish.

I lived abroad and loved coming home for Xmas but only an hour flight. When the DCs became old enough to be aware , then it was important to stay home and create our own family traditions.
Very selfish. And as she is coming for such a long summer visit , the argument over keeping the DCs away from them falls flat.
Sorry you are disappointed Mom but we will be in our home this Xmas.

You have to plan early as if we were going we’d have to buy tickets now or have already bought tickets. Plus if they'd wanted to meet halfway we’d have to arrange now.

Yanbu she sounds horrible!! I have a 6m old and no way would I do that travel for anyone- even my dps who I love dearly. Off course they aren't selfish enough to even ask that of me. Let her have her hissy fit, she needs to get over herself.

There wasn't a chance in hell I'd take my two abroad when they were little. Not even short haul. My youngest would probably have been fine as he is chilled, but my eldest would have been a nightmare the entire time.

Just because you 'can' suck it up - doesn't mean you should.

Stick to your guns. She is being extremely selfish and you have enough on your plate without her drama.