To not travel 12 hours+ for Christmas with 2 under 3?

[babymashe]

My mother lives very far away and it takes an 11 hour flight + airport time either side of the journey (And often delays) and then 8 hours jet lag either side. She also lives in a remote area with not a lot going for it. (Would not know how to keep the three year old entertained +she just resorts to 24/7 screen time)

Anyway, I tried to tell her that we might not be coming this Christmas and she just absolutely lost it, said I'm trying to cut my family off and deny my children time and a relationship with their grandparents and that we already didn't come last year, and that she was going to throw out all the kids items that she'd gotten when I visited with my first (was there for 2 months + so it was all needed). Told me I'd regret it for the rest of my life etc. v dramatic.

I'd even first suggested let's meet halfway so we still spend time together and she just said NO, your step dad likes to spend Xmas at home and that's where we will be so if you want to go do your own thing, do it. (but is very angry)

For context - In the past 10 years the only 2 times I haven't been for Christmas were when I was giving birth to my first baby (and it was lockdown) and last year, where we'd just gone through the process of selling, buying a new house, renovations(!!) and moving in, and the stress of taking a 2 year old on that journey possibly would have broken us! (She was also annoyed but got over it eventually)
This year, at Christmas I will have a 6 month old and a nearly 3 year old and I'm thinking I don't really want to do that journey, I'll only be 6 mos post partum and probably sleep deprived, all for a Christmas that they won't even remember - plus we want to create some traditions in our own new home! It's also quite costly to go and would rather spend that money on a real holiday (visiting mum still involves cooking, cleaning, and being crammed with 2 babies in a v small room etc). She argues everyone is there to 'help' but I'm the one up at night, and with the mental burden of the kid's routine etc etc., her nor my sister nor stepdad truly 'take over'.

AIBU?

You're doing the right thing in putting your wee family first. She will get over it, or she won't, that's up to her. I thought it was a big ask with a 3 year old, but you'll have a 6 month baby too, so it's a lovely time to have Christmas in your own house and start some of your own traditions.

YANBU. She can visit you instead if she wants to.

I take it you've never had to book flights/hotels/taxis etc for trip in December?

When we were juggling two sets of in-laws back in the day, even being in the UK, we needed to start discussing plans at this time of year. Completely normal timing if you've to book flights and stuff.

Nobody has to visit anyone at Xmas, if they don't want to. Most people I know have been having Xmas in their own homes for the last 30+ years.

I stopped visit my parents for Christmas when I had 2 kids, and they're only a 5 hour drive away. We'd be crammed in a room together so no one would sleep, and nothing to do. We visit in the summer now as they're by the beach and stay elsewhere.