I invite friend to something, she invited another group

[Wheeto]

NC incase my friend or somebody we know is in here.

I live 4-5 hours away from the place I grew up, where my good friend still resides. I've seen her twice in the last few years as we rarely get chance to meet up. We both have DC and demanding jobs.

I invited her to a festival I'd seen advertised. It's in her area so I'm travelling down. The invitation was extended to her new-ish DP too who is coming along - no problem, she sounds nice and it'll be good to meet her.

It turns out she's now invited a whole bunch of people from her workplace who I don't know from Adam. I'm feeling a bit awkward and disappointed about that as I wasn't banking on going with a big group. I'm quite a quiet person around new people due to some underlying anxiety. It includes pre-drinks, getting ready together etc. Everybody is meeting at my friends house so I can't really avoid it.

I haven't said anything as I don't want to make a fuss or spoil the event but I do wish she hadn't done that.

Would this bother you? Am I being a bit antisocial?

It would bother me a lot to be honest. I think it’s kind of rude of your friend. Most people, if they invite one friend somewhere, don’t really want to then only see that friend in a big group of strangers.

Not sure what you can do other than talk to her, but now that she’s invited everyone I think it would be weird to uninvite them.

Yanbu but unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you can do without it turning into an argument. She shouldn’t have invited others without speaking with you first. I’d recommend making the best of it and saying to her next time you make plans, that you’d like it just to be you and her.

I can see why she would think it’s OK - it’s a festival and probably thought ‘the more the merrier’ rather than a more intimate catch up. You could talk to her but she’s invited people now so all it will do is make her feel bad.

It's the type of event, festivals have that looser vibe of people coming and going throughout, socially they feel a lot more fluid than meeting for a drink or a meal, so she probably didn't think much of it. I think you have to suck it up this time, do something different next time.

It would bother me a lot and you are not being antisocial. I would even prefer the partner not to go purely because including other people changes the dynamic. I think it’s very rude of your friend too. Something similar happened to me (in a much smaller way). I was invited to lunch at the home of a close friend who I hadn’t seen for quite some time. When I got there she had invited her next door neighbour who I’d never met before. I was so disappointed and couldn’t understand it. We’d been very close friends since schooldays, met when we were eleven and had never had a moments unease between us. I never understood why she did that but it totally changed our reunion.

It's not a meal out or a holiday or a planned friend's outing to a theme park. It's public, any one can go to a festival.

"Are you going to the festival? I was thinking of getting tickets."

"Yes, I am. But I am already going with an old friend therefore I couldn't possibly acknowledge you and you absolutely cannot sit with us."

Said no-one, anywhere, EVER!

It's a bit shit isn't it? I'm glad I don't sound completely unreasonable.

It's one thing being introduced at the festival, exchanging pleasantries and carrying on as i were, but a whole other kettle of fish meeting up indoors, pre-drinks, getting ready etc.

I was OK with her partner coming as in my mind its just the 1 unknown person, she's a woman, so i'll not feel too awkward or out of place and can still be myself, to a degree, but I agree having other people around definitely does change the dynamic.

I've been looking forward to this for months but feel a bit deflated now.

I'd pull out. I hate this kind of thing.

Why are you exaggerating to such an extent?

There's eons between not acknowledging somebody at a festival and inviting a big group for pre drinks, to get ready together and go together.

The workmates weren't even going to the festival initially. She invited them after I invited her.

I have a friend that does this. In a way, it’s fine. Her mates are sound but at the same time, it’s annoying travelling across the country to spend time with a bunch of strangers and not getting to catch up properly.

Because it's a festival.

She wouldn't have done this to a meal, a day at a theme park etc.

A festival is a public event and I'm guessing her work mates are locals.

I think you're being a bit precious frankly.

I would think YANBU except it's a festival. You're not travelling specifically to catch up with her, you're going to a festival that happens to be near. Festivals are by their nature mass social events. You can just make polite with the larger group.

Everybody is meeting at my friends house so I can't really avoid it.

Are you staying with her? If you aren't, just make up a reason on the day why you're not going to be able to make it to hers for drinks and dressing up and just meet up with her at the festival.

If you're staying with her then she's doing you a favour and you have to play by her rules. You can't expect to dictate in her home. Look at it from her pov. You haven't made the effort to go and see each other for years but now suddenly there's a festival on and you want to stay with her and have her and her DP as company for the festival, but you don't want her friends or colleagues along.

If you really want quiet and privacy, book a hotel or B+B or find somewhere else to stay.

You say you invited her but I assume it was a casual, hey do you fancy this and you're not paying for her and her partner's tickets.
As for getting ready together, it sounds a bit teenage, but it's her house and she can invite whoever she likes round. You can't expect her not to do that to save your feelings.
I'm the most anti social person ever, but I wouldn't be at all bothered by this. It's the more the merrier at events like festivals and even I know that having never been to one!

Could you possibly ask if she could re-arrange to meet them there, so you guys could catch up/get ready together without them?
It’s one thing to meet up with a bunch at a festival (might be quite fun) but a bit rubbish you’re travelling down and will spend the whole time getting to know total strangers/might not have any time just you guys.

I wouldn't be too impressed with having to get ready with random strangers either. It's different for her because she knows them but you don't.
She could have at least mentioned it to you beforehand, as in, 'I've got some great work mates, do you mind if I invite them along because I think you'll love them!'

I'm staying with her so I understand what you mean about her place her rules.

My initial plan was to book a hotel but she insisted I stay with her and that she'd really like to host me which is very kind of course and I gladly accepted.

If I'd have known about the group with a bit more notice I'd have made my excuses and booked a hotel. I think it'll be difficult to do that now without it seeming odd as I go tomorrow and it coincides with being told about the group and I don't want to make anybody else feel awkward.

RE getting ready together sounding teenager-ish, me and my friend are both in our late 20's 😁 but this is us paying homage to our youth as we've both had a shit few years and saw it as a blow out for old times sake.

Also if it was just you, your friend and her partner who were meant to be going originally then that could potentially have been an awkward situation for all with you playing gooseberry. I'd hazard a guess that she's invited other people to try and avoid that.

Theme parks are also public places that anyone can attend. Why would she definitely not do it at a theme park?

It isn’t precious to say you’re not happy when you organised a meet up with a close friend and they invited a large group of strangers without mentioning it to you.

In your shoes op, unless you really want to go to the festival I'd back out.

Hi X, apologies but I won't be making the festival, sounds like it's turned into more of a work do, and I'm not keen tbh. Hopefully we can catch up another time. Have fun Weeto x

I've spent quite a bit on the festival ticket and train tickets so I'll be quite out of pocket if I do cancel 😞

I'm going to have to just suck it up and loosen up over a few glasses of wine. They may well be lovely people, it's just awkward isn't it?

I really love it when friends do this. I've met some great people, some of whom have become friends in their own right, through people inviting along others from their social circle. And it's a festival, not a dinner or pub drink, the more-the-merrier vibe is absolutely built in and assumed. I'm not sure I've been to a festival where I haven't ended up dancing with a completely new group of people I was just introduced to by a mutual acquaintance.

Meeting at her house for pre-drinks is actually much better. Despite my above paragraph I'm actually quite introverted - I like meeting new people but I don't always find it natural. You're meeting these people in a low-key setting, not the festival itself; before anyone gets drunk but with alcohol there to loosen things up. I doubt they'll all arrive together so you should be able to ease into it by meeting them one at a time.

If you want to catch up with your friend one-on-one maybe you could go over even earlier?

Honestly I do get that this can be a bit intimidating but I wouldn't wallow in feeling deflated. Allow yourself to feel your nerves and then just go in there and take the view that any friend of hers is probably a good egg and maybe a potential friend of yours too.

Since it's a festival where she still lives, maybe she already had it in mind for her and her work friends, after all you've not seen her for a while maybe she didnt think to invite you and maybe now youre the one the one gate-crashing!

No that's not the case 😂

It's not a one off festival. It happens every year and she has never shown any interest in going before. She had no plans to go until I asked if she'd like to go together. Inviting the workmates came much later. We've had it planned for, say, 4-5 months and I only found out about the workmates yesterday.

Thats a really positive way of looking at it, thank you!