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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad for my mum?

40 replies

Maztek · 08/06/2023 08:03

My mum is in a relationship with a man a lot older than her. They’ve been together a long time and in the beginning it didn’t seem to matter too much but now he’s nearly 80 and she’s only 53. She doesn’t really seem to be all that happy, their relationship isn’t really a romantic one anymore just living together to pay bills. She complains that he doesn’t want to do anything and that he’s miserable. The whole situation seems to have really aged her and now she acts like she’s in her 80’s herself. She has no friends anymore. She just acts like a little old lady and seems to have resigned herself to this. I feel like she’s too young to have given up on enjoying a relationship, sex life, hobbies etc. it just makes me a sad for her. All of my other relatives that are the same age still live really full lives (as you would expect at 53!).
I know there is nothing I can do and she’s free to make her own decisions but it just makes me sad. She used to be so social, loved going out with friends, loved exploring, going on holidays etc. now she just sits in separate rooms to her partner and is just miserable.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/06/2023 08:05

How long have they been together? Am assuming she is still working?

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/06/2023 08:07

Can you try to take her out for the day, do something she will enjoy. See if she opens up about the relationship. Find out if she wants to leave.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 08/06/2023 08:14

Gosh, 53 is only a few years older than me. This is no life for a woman that age. But I think all you can do is spend time with her and see if she opens up. Suggest as many activities as you can to take her out of herself.

TaggySitz · 08/06/2023 08:17

That's insane to me.

DustyLee123 · 08/06/2023 08:17

Not all women want a sex life when they hit peri menopause, so maybe she’s happy there. And many people stay together for shared finances and company.
Do you invite her out ? Will she not go and do what she wants to without him ?

toomuchlaundry · 08/06/2023 08:18

How long have they been together? Surely obvious to them with such a large age gap that this was a possibility

MichelleScarn · 08/06/2023 08:18

Posted too soon, does she not want to do stuff or is she not able to because of caring role or partner stopping her?

YukoandHiro · 08/06/2023 08:21

Could you take her on a holiday, just to get her to see another life etc?
She's still so young! Same age as my DH and we have a 2yo - our lives are nothing like this.
Presumably she knows that he's likely to pass in the next decade. Is she hanging on for another chapter in her life?

Allthings · 08/06/2023 08:41

Is she post menopausal yet? There is a strong possibility that a lot of things could be due to menopausal issues and not necessarily the age of her partner.

If she is one of those who has sailed through her menopause, its a different matter. There is not really enough information in the OP to give anything more than guessing advice.

BusMumsHoliday · 08/06/2023 08:45

Have you talked to your mum about this? Perhaps just, as neutrally as possible, observing what you see and not trying to ascribe a cause? "Mum, I've noticed that you seem sad lately, and aren't getting out as much as you used to." And then see what she says?

I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned but you're quickly jumping to her partner as the cause when there could be other things going on.

Original poster
Maztek · 08/06/2023 09:28

Yes I’ve spoken to her. She just says “well he won’t do anything.”

But that doesn’t mean she can’t do anything but she loves to be a martyr.

OP posts:
Motnight · 08/06/2023 09:30

It's ok to feel sad for your mum, Op, but this is what she has chosen.

MichelleScarn · 08/06/2023 09:32

Maztek · 08/06/2023 09:28

Yes I’ve spoken to her. She just says “well he won’t do anything.”

But that doesn’t mean she can’t do anything but she loves to be a martyr.

Well if she loves to martyr I'd not engage with any encouragement or her 'poor me-isms' martyrs are exhausting emotional vampires.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/06/2023 09:32

Does she work at all? Could she get a part time job or volunteer?
Even if you can get her in the garden pottering around would be good for her.

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 08/06/2023 09:37

Yikes, I'm 54 and my parents aren't even 80 yet! I can't imagine having to live this life.
Ultimately, though, it's her choice. She can leave if she wants.

I agree with a PP that it may be nice if you go out with her alone here and there.

Original poster
Maztek · 08/06/2023 09:43

She works full time and does garden stuff etc. I just feel she’s too young to have written herself off like she has. When her partner dies she’s going to be alone.

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 08/06/2023 09:47

How long have they been together?

Is she financially independent?

Original poster
Maztek · 08/06/2023 09:51

About 15 years or so? I don’t really know about her finances tbh.

OP posts:
ArthurScargillsgingerpube · 08/06/2023 09:52

Her choice. What do you expect with a 27 year age gap. 53 is absolutely no age. She should be planning adventures and travels at that age.

Nordicrain · 08/06/2023 09:56

As others have said, surely this was inevitable with that age gap. It's up to her whether she wants to stay or go. Or stay and be miserable with him or make the best of it for her herself. I am not sure I would feel massively sorry for her if she's just choosing to matyr herself for no good reason.

Gymmum82 · 08/06/2023 09:58

Is she holding on for the inheritance? Only a few more years and she’ll be able to travel and get out and do more on her own. Hopefully he has money to make it worth while

MuddlerInLaw · 08/06/2023 10:16

Whatever the state of the OP’s mother’s relationship it is surely somewhat distasteful for posters to be wishing the man a speedy death.

Presumably she entered into this relationship voluntarily - and is as free to leave if unhappy as any other person.

sonjadog · 08/06/2023 10:18

From his age, this is likely to be a temporary issue and she will have many years as a single person to travel and live life as she wishes.

SweetBirdsong · 08/06/2023 10:27

This is the downside to a big age gap relationship. It's often celebrated on here as something quirky and cool, and women in their 30s come on here raving about their sophisticated older man in his 50s - or women in their 40s have a mature and sophisticated man in his early 60s. Silver fox, wise and kind and patient, and knows how to treat a woman - unlike the young lads in their 30s and 40s. Wink

This is clearly the downside of it, and it's a HUGE downside .. If you don't end up being a carer for the man you are with who is a generation older/old enough to be your dad, you end up with a man who CBA to do anything and is miserable all the time, and wants to sit in his slippers and dressing gown of doom all day watching shitty daytime telly.

My DH (late 50s) is a bit like this sometimes, and I have to blow him out of his chair with dynamite on his days off to get him to come for a walk, or on a day trip, but he does enjoy it when he comes, and we have lots of laughs (from day to day.) I couldn't imaging being with a man of 80 (I am in my mid 50s now.) I'd be leaving sorry @Maztek That is the only answer. This man won't change,

Softoprider · 08/06/2023 10:29

OP You say when her partner dies she will be alone, but isn't she alone already?

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