To feel a bit sad for my mum?

[Maztek]

My mum is in a relationship with a man a lot older than her. They’ve been together a long time and in the beginning it didn’t seem to matter too much but now he’s nearly 80 and she’s only 53. She doesn’t really seem to be all that happy, their relationship isn’t really a romantic one anymore just living together to pay bills. She complains that he doesn’t want to do anything and that he’s miserable. The whole situation seems to have really aged her and now she acts like she’s in her 80’s herself. She has no friends anymore. She just acts like a little old lady and seems to have resigned herself to this. I feel like she’s too young to have given up on enjoying a relationship, sex life, hobbies etc. it just makes me a sad for her. All of my other relatives that are the same age still live really full lives (as you would expect at 53!).
I know there is nothing I can do and she’s free to make her own decisions but it just makes me sad. She used to be so social, loved going out with friends, loved exploring, going on holidays etc. now she just sits in separate rooms to her partner and is just miserable.

how depressing for her

53 is so young

one of my closest friends turned 53 this year and goes clubbing weekly and is coming to Glastonbury - i couldn't imagine being so fed up of life so young

She needs to get herself out of a rut though - im not sure its the partners fault - hes entitled to sit around doing nothing if her wants - but she shouldnt let that stop her

hopefully you can help get her back out and about again

I have a similar experience with my mom, ages are slightly different, though.
Step dad is mid 80s, mom is early 60s.
Its not so much that he doesnt want to do anything, but he struggles with things now. He doesnt hear very well, cant walk very far, gets tired.
Fortunately, my mom DOES have friends and an active life, and she gets some time away from him, but theyre not happy.
They co exist in this relationship, mostly because he IS miserable, and takes it all out on my mom.
My mom would not leave my stepdad. She feels responsible for him in his old age, and I expect the same is probably true of your mom.
I dont think theres much you can do, just be there for your mom!

This is the reality of a large age gap sadly. There are nearly 10 years between DH and I, and his health has taken a battering in the last 5 years - he's going in for more surgery next week and yet again, I'm having to carry the physical and mental load for weeks while he recovers (I work in his business) and we've had to cancel everything we had planned for a milestone wedding anniversary. I've recently lost my Dad after 6 months of intensive caring for him, and honestly I could sit and cry that this is my life aged 52.

Your poor Mum. Can you be brutally honest and say that you're really worried about her?

In that case, steer clear. If she complains to you but insists on being a martyr, she won't do anything to help herself and she'll drag you down with her.
She's only 53, she works full time, she could easily get out and about on her own. She chooses not to so she shouldn't be moaning to you.

She is the same age as Mr Monkey (he is 9 years older than me). He is a sub 3.15 marathon runner and we are going to Boston Marathon next year, he is race director of our local parkrun, he works full time, we go out regularly and we go to gigs and festivals a lot.

53 is no age to give up on your social life.

Cripes, at 53 I had an 8 year old to run around after!

In my experience this is what always happens in age gap relationships.
Let this be a warning to anyone thinking of starting anything with that sophisticated older man at work.
You think it won’t happen to you, it will!

Same! That's me now! I'm the same age as OPs mum.

But OP - she was 38 when they got together and he was already 65 !

She was old enough to do the maths. Sorry to be blunt.

It wasn't even that long ago! I've been with DH 15 years and it's gone by in the blink of an eye.

In other words, she's capable of leaving if she wants to. Perhaps she's ready to be all pipe and slippers or is she hanging on for financial reasons?

I don’t think there any financial reasons other than she likes that he pays her rent. He’s not rich they’re not married and I don’t think he will leave her anything if he dies. She certainly won’t leave him anything. It’s all just very strange. I just find it sad that she’s just settled into being an old lady that just potters about moaning and that’s it.

It's nice that you have empathy for her - but really! she could have foreseen this, no?

My mother is like yours (but minus the age gap between her and her partner). She uses "he won't let me" or "he won't do anything/go anywhere" as an excuse. The truth is, she won't. He would never stop her, but it's a convenient excuse.

She chose him and she chose to stay with him.

How do you know she wouldn’t be similar if he wasn’t around?

Maybe it would help to reframe it. This is who you mum is. He may influence the way she is, but we are influenced by the people know and love. Or maybe she would be the same.

Even the martyr behaviour is a choice. She is living the life she has chosen. You feel sad because she isn’t living how you think she should. But maybe also because you notice her aging. I remember my mum seeming to age over night in her late 50s. She obviously didn’t, but it became more noticeable. It made my feel sad and a bit scared of losing her

This is why I am completely loathe to meet DPs friends other half. There is a 22 year agegap and while he is all hot and a gym bunny now and she is young and stunning this will not be the same when they are older. He is already looking forward to retirement and she wont retire for 20 years after he does. It really does take forward planning no matter how in lust you are I suppose.

OP I get you feel bad for her but this was her decision.

What is stopping your DM for going out on her own ? To the gym, pool, park, cycling, local events, cinema, restaurants

Does she have any hobbies ?

Does she go on holiday ?