Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People shouldn't make dcs hug

50 replies

IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 06:52

Just been reading another thread and it brought up unwanted memories.
I really don't think dcs should be made to hug family or anyone for that matter. When dgcs are told to hug us when we or they leave I always say "Only if you want to" To be met with "Of course they do" They do actually love hugs but I think they should be spontaneous not forced.
They have been told about inappropriate touching etc. So they're aware. But I always feel uncomfortable about the making them hug.

I'm probably bu due to my own past? Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 08/06/2023 06:53

I agree with you. It's one thing if they want to, but they shouldn't be forced to.

TerrorAustralis · 08/06/2023 06:54

I hate the forced hugging. I remember MIL trying to force DN to hug us. He barely knew us (we lived abroad) and was clearly reluctant. She got very shirty when I said he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to.

Original poster
IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 07:07

That's a relief I'm not the only one. Although I know my dsis feels the same I thought it might be because she had a similar childhood? I've never discussed this with friends. They'd never force their dcs or dgcs to hug me anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 07:09

TerrorAustralis · 08/06/2023 06:54

I hate the forced hugging. I remember MIL trying to force DN to hug us. He barely knew us (we lived abroad) and was clearly reluctant. She got very shirty when I said he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to.

Yes I got a shirty response. I'm sticking to my guns though. Dcs need to know they can have boundaries. One of them is ND so they're probably hating it?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 08/06/2023 07:15

Totally agree with you.

verdantverdure · 08/06/2023 07:27

Forced physical contact? Absolute no in my book.

It makes children vulnerable to groomers and other manipulators in my opinion to have their own feelings ignored dismissed and negated in this way.

It's setting kids up for loads of trouble basically. Don't do it.

LlynTegid · 08/06/2023 07:29

One of the few benefits from the pandemic was no hugging. It should always be voluntary, child or adult.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 08/06/2023 07:30

Allowing children to decline a hug is the first step to teaching them bodily autonomy.
The same applies to kisses and tickles.

Begonne · 08/06/2023 07:31

I don’t understand why people get shirty about it (which is my experience too) because it seems common sense that if a child seems uncomfortable about something you’d give them a different option.

Is there a reason I’m missing (there usually is tbf)?

Morestrangerthings · 08/06/2023 07:31

verdantverdure · 08/06/2023 07:27

Forced physical contact? Absolute no in my book.

It makes children vulnerable to groomers and other manipulators in my opinion to have their own feelings ignored dismissed and negated in this way.

It's setting kids up for loads of trouble basically. Don't do it.

Absolutely agree with this post. And kids need to be taught it’s okay to say no to a hug.

SouthCountryGirl · 08/06/2023 07:32

As an adult I hate forced hugs, especially when it's someone I've never met.

Original poster
IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 07:36

It's so old fashioned too.
I'm getting quite annoyed and sad now thinking of all the hugs dgcs have had to give 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 07:37

SouthCountryGirl · 08/06/2023 07:32

As an adult I hate forced hugs, especially when it's someone I've never met.

Eww no I don't mind hugs but even I hate that. Why do strangers do this?

OP posts:
TerrorAustralis · 08/06/2023 08:13

Begonne · 08/06/2023 07:31

I don’t understand why people get shirty about it (which is my experience too) because it seems common sense that if a child seems uncomfortable about something you’d give them a different option.

Is there a reason I’m missing (there usually is tbf)?

In the scenario I mentioned above, I can only guess why MIL was forcing it (she and I are not on the same wavelength).

All her DCs & DGCs only get together very rarely, so I guess she wanted everything to be nice and happy families, including demonstrating this with physical affection in the form of hugs.

Original poster
IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 11:33

@TerrorAustralis sounds like it then. Shame though.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 08/06/2023 11:38

Yep, I was that weird mother 16 years ago that wouldn't make my son hug mil etc. According to them I was going to raise a sociopath🤣

I held the line, and believe it helped him be very conscious of other people's personal space. I think it is the foundation of teaching consent.

He still permits his ole man a hug every now and again he is no sociopath 😉

GettingStuffed · 08/06/2023 11:40

My adult daughter only allows four people to hug her her husband and kids. Her youngest son is a real hugger though. I d never hug someone who didn't want to.

Milkhoney · 08/06/2023 12:07

I’m with you. In our family the children are always just told “say hello/goodbye to X”. They have their owns ways of doing so based on how comfortable they feel. Even though one nephew of mine will normally come in for a hug, sometimes he doesn’t want to to so we fist bump or something instead. And to add, not all adults feel comfortable hugging everyone’s kids, which is ok too.

FictionalCharacter · 08/06/2023 12:49

100% agree. Ditto kissing. I was forced to hug and kiss relatives and friends of my parents, and really hated it. Resistance was met with scolding l
Fortunately the old idea that children must do everything they’re told, however uncomfortable they are, to please older relatives, seems to be finally dying out. More parents these days understand the importance of bodily autonomy, and why children should be empowered to say no.

LemonLimeDivine · 08/06/2023 12:57

Agree. Hated the forced hugging and kissing as a child.
I do not force this on my kids at all but I do insist they say hello / goodbye.
DH gets annoyed (embarrassed) when our two refuse to give his family members a hug sometimes but that’s his issue and I won’t have our children made to feel uncomfortable.

cocksstrideintheevening · 08/06/2023 12:59

Totally agree with all the comments above. I have always enforced my kids have to be polite ie say hello / goodbye but no one should have to haug / kiss / be tickled if they don't want to.

SalmonEile · 08/06/2023 13:03

Totally agree I hated being forced to hug people as a child and I tell my kids they don’t have to if they don’t want to. Sometimes they’ll offer a high five or fist bump instead but they don’t have to do that either

GG1986 · 08/06/2023 13:15

Yup agree!

lljkk · 08/06/2023 17:55

tbh, I perceive now that it was a good thing that I was forced into hugs as a child. It was good thing to be forced out of my comfort zone.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/06/2023 18:00

I still have the sense memory of being forced to kiss my grandpa 🤮

Swipe left for the next trending thread