Page 2 | People shouldn't make dcs hug

IncognitoMam · 2023-06-08T05:52:02+00:00

Just been reading another thread and it brought up unwanted memories. I really don't think dcs should be made to hug family or anyone for that matter. When dgcs are told to hug us when we or they leave I always say "Only if you want to" To be met with "Of course they do" They do actually love hugs but I think they should be spontaneous not forced. They have been told about inappropriate touching etc. So they're aware. But I always feel uncomfortable about the making them hug. I'm probably bu due to my own past? Does anyone else feel like this?

ASandwichNamedKevin · 08/06/2023 18:05

My work includes child protection.

I absolutely believe children should not be forced to hug or kiss anyone. My DC sometimes blow a kiss, sometimes shake hands, hug or just wave.

@lljkk bring forced out of your comfort zone for something that benefits you is one thing, but teaching kids they must have unwanted physical contact is all kinds of wrong.

On a societal level we need to question these things and make changes.

BelindaBears · 08/06/2023 18:08

I do make my DD who is 5 hug my mum. My mum is terminally ill and can no longer speak or walk, so hasn’t really been able to interact with DD for a couple of years. So DD isn’t that attached to her and wouldn’t go to her for a hug when leaving their house, for example.

But it makes a huge difference to my mum to get a hug from her granddaughter, and that’s important to me. DD will not be remotely damaged by being instructed to hug her loving granny.

jannier · 08/06/2023 18:09

Children should say hello and goodbye a hug is up to them.

NoraLuka · 08/06/2023 18:22

Totally agree, no forced hugs. I’m in France where you’re supposed to kiss everyone hello and goodbye, it stopped during the pandemic but it’s come back now. I hate it even as an adult and never forced the DC to do it.

verdantverdure · 08/06/2023 20:59

My kids have never had to hug adults on demand and I didn't either, but my husband's family photo albums are FULL of uncomfortable looking teenage girls sitting on the knees of red faced old men they may or may not be related to. Different times I suppose.

Original poster

IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 21:10

I'm glad we're in the majority. I'm armed with the power of MN next time I see dgcs. Mind you I do say they don't have to hug.

OP posts:

IAmAnIdiot123 · 08/06/2023 21:13

I agree completely OP

Blueskysunflower · 08/06/2023 21:19

Perfectly normal and reasonable OP. I don’t make my children have any physical contact with anyone (medical stuff aside), and I have stepped in to insist that family members respect my child’s choices when they say “stop” during tickling games or whatever. I do ask the kids to be polite, acknowledge people, say goodbye etc, but physical touch is up to them.

80skid · 08/06/2023 21:23

My FiL offered to pay my eldest for a kiss after being declined. Very awkward, I'm a lot more savvie now (and distant from in laws). You don't touch anyone who doesn't want to be touched plus it's ok to say no to being touched

Original poster

IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 21:27

80skid · 08/06/2023 21:23

My FiL offered to pay my eldest for a kiss after being declined. Very awkward, I'm a lot more savvie now (and distant from in laws). You don't touch anyone who doesn't want to be touched plus it's ok to say no to being touched

😳 That's gross!!

OP posts:

GodspeedJune · 08/06/2023 21:37

Something really awful happened to me as a teenager that started with a hug I didn’t want.

Not making my DD hug people she doesn’t want to is a hill I will die on. Before having her, I noticed FIL asking for a kiss and hug from my nephews, when told ‘no’ by the children he said ‘you’ll make me sad and cry!’

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 08/06/2023 21:45

AGREE
I absolutely hate how fil puts dh on the spot asking for a hug when hes vile to him. Also the dc. Hate it.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 08/06/2023 21:51

I always ask any DC, 'Do you give hugs or shall we wave?' I expect others to say the same to my own.

80skid · 08/06/2023 21:52

@IncognitoMam it was a real eye opener that some people don't accept "no" and will try other means, money first. I don't miss my in laws.

RedRobyn2021 · 08/06/2023 21:53

I 1000% agree with you

Shouldn't even be up for discussion

80skid · 08/06/2023 21:55

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 08/06/2023 21:51

I always ask any DC, 'Do you give hugs or shall we wave?' I expect others to say the same to my own.

That's ideal. High 5 works too. I love that you offer physical affection but also offer an alternative means of showing affection. It's a perfect combination

highlandspooce · 08/06/2023 22:27

lljkk · 08/06/2023 17:55

tbh, I perceive now that it was a good thing that I was forced into hugs as a child. It was good thing to be forced out of my comfort zone.

As someone who now lives very much within their comfort zone and allows their DC to do the same I have to ask, why? Why can't humans exist in their comfort zone, particularly as children? There are many times where a bit of a push can be helpful but forcing bodily contact with others and not giving our children the power to say no isn't it.

lljkk · 09/06/2023 09:50

Why can't humans exist in their comfort zone, particularly as children?

it doesn't build resilience.

It doesn't help you learn that new and uncomfortable experiences are something you can deal with and even come to find attractive when you develop the skills to deal with the new situation.

Staying in comfort zones fosters anxiety at encountering new experiences, rather than confidence that you will cope and maybe even enjoy any challenges.

It can turn into a series of life limiting choices.

Example: friend said her children were alarmed by busy places, so they stopped going to busy places. Their children (no SN) persisted in finding busy places difficult as they went into adulthood, AND even the friend & partner became intolerant of busy places. Their 'choice' turned into great difficulty coping with something that had been ordinary for them, previously.

Do as you please. Doesn't change fact that staying in comfort zones isn't good for most people, at any stage of life.

Original poster

IncognitoMam · 09/06/2023 09:58

@lljkk what you're talking about is different. Dcs need exposure to normal everyday activities to be able to function in society. Not their bodies being touched if they don't want it.

OP posts:

BestieBunch · 09/06/2023 19:53

Completely agree with you. My eldest teen hates any form of cuddles except with a few. With my 3… 15yo, 13yo & 5yo I will ask them to say hello/goodbye to friend/ family etc, but how they choose to do so is their choice. My 15yo sometimes choose to shake hands, my 5yo may cuddle or give a hi 5. They’re not rude and always polite but will not be forced to cuddle anyone, including siblings or parents if they don’t want too.

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 20:00

lljkk · 09/06/2023 09:50

Why can't humans exist in their comfort zone, particularly as children?

it doesn't build resilience.

It doesn't help you learn that new and uncomfortable experiences are something you can deal with and even come to find attractive when you develop the skills to deal with the new situation.

Staying in comfort zones fosters anxiety at encountering new experiences, rather than confidence that you will cope and maybe even enjoy any challenges.

It can turn into a series of life limiting choices.

Example: friend said her children were alarmed by busy places, so they stopped going to busy places. Their children (no SN) persisted in finding busy places difficult as they went into adulthood, AND even the friend & partner became intolerant of busy places. Their 'choice' turned into great difficulty coping with something that had been ordinary for them, previously.

Do as you please. Doesn't change fact that staying in comfort zones isn't good for most people, at any stage of life.

There is fuck all to be learned about resilience by forcing a child to make bodily contact with an adult. The best lesson we can teach our children about their own bodies is that their comfort zone is exactly where they should be.

Missingmyusername · 09/06/2023 20:03

YANBU taught to say hello/greet a visitor. But never hug, kiss etc.

Mummy08m · 09/06/2023 20:05

lljkk · 09/06/2023 09:50

Why can't humans exist in their comfort zone, particularly as children?

it doesn't build resilience.

It doesn't help you learn that new and uncomfortable experiences are something you can deal with and even come to find attractive when you develop the skills to deal with the new situation.

Staying in comfort zones fosters anxiety at encountering new experiences, rather than confidence that you will cope and maybe even enjoy any challenges.

It can turn into a series of life limiting choices.

Example: friend said her children were alarmed by busy places, so they stopped going to busy places. Their children (no SN) persisted in finding busy places difficult as they went into adulthood, AND even the friend & partner became intolerant of busy places. Their 'choice' turned into great difficulty coping with something that had been ordinary for them, previously.

Do as you please. Doesn't change fact that staying in comfort zones isn't good for most people, at any stage of life.

I wouldn't want my dd to be resilient to enduring unwanted bodily contact. It's a category where it's ok to have zero tolerance.

Cammac · 09/06/2023 20:16

I agree OP. Children shouldn’t be forced to hug (or kiss) adults. Whenever I have GC for the day I’m happy for a high 5. No child should feel obligated to hug anyone

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 20:33

Oh and I just want to add, staying in my comfort zone is absolutely the single best thing I have ever done in my life