want to, but won’t of course.
NC but been around a while. Pom Bear. Darked on washing. Mexican house thief.
Hoping to get some perspective on situation with DH. Together 18 years. Two DC primary age.
I got home today to find house in complete disarray. No tidying or cleaning done. I was p’d off and showed it. However, was very clear why I was annoyed - housework not done, broken promise, exhausted don’t want to have to do it myself. DH exploded. Was rude and belittling. I started it but I was driven to it…
DH does not see mess. He is chaotic - will leave stuff everywhere. When we met his house was awful. Couldn’t see the carpet as stuff everywhere. No cleaning got done other than washing up after cooking. Housemates that rented rooms would do it. My house, clean and organised most of the time. That’s important to me, always has been.
He asked if we could move in together. I said I’d love to (we are aligned in most other ways and share a lot of commonality) but I couldn’t live like he did. I said its one area I can’t and won’t compromise on. I am not obsessive but like it clean and tidy. He said great, I love your place and would rather live in a clean and tidy house, it’s nicer. New age man, has never suggested ‘that’s woman’s work’. In theory knows he should ‘pull his weight’.
We moved in, got married, bought a house and started a family.
Well, you can predict where this is going.
Over the years it has been a constant battle. On mat leave I did most of the cleaning. And before that. His view was always ‘I don’t care about it, you do’. I went back to work part time. Still did the bulk of it. He’d ‘help out’ when asked but I had all the mental load and did all the emotional labour. As well as most of the day to day domestic stuff. Visitors - cleaning and cooking mostly me. You get the idea.
I got burnt out - despite working part time, the nature of my job exhausts me. I was rock bottom. Crying weekly. Lots of arguments. He was working full time but at projects he hoped to (but didn’t) make money from.
So we had a talk and between us agreed on minimum standards - I thought that if it’s only me that wants it clean then it’s only fair we meet half way. Agreed (mutually) minimum standards, used Fair Play cards to divvy things up. Used TOM to try and limit time spent on cleaning but keep it to a decent standard. All agreed mutually and calmly. It got better. It was ok. I still did more but he upped his game.
We moved to be closer to family, it means a longer commute for me. I said I was concerned re commute as I already get exhausted by work (health problems) and I said I was worried the house would get chaotic. He promised he’d pick up the slack.
So. Tonight I couldn’t keep calm. I came home, not for the first week, and house is in chaos. I’m knackered after three long and gruelling days at work, providing financial stability for us all. He works less hours than me now (retrained). Is essentially a SAHP with a very part time job and occasional extra work when it comes in. He doesn’t work when I’m at work unless some extra work has come in - which is rare.
So. Was IU to get snippy and irritable? I
tried really hard to not say anything but just couldn’t hide the sense of ‘now I’ve got to spend my day tidying and cleaning, which means I can’t do the other things I want to do - sort the garden, put the winter clothes into storage, meet a friend for coffee etc). Of course I still could do those things but the deal was that we keep a tidy-ish house and I hate it when it’s not. It depresses me. I can’t relax properly when I can see everything that needs doing. He said I should wait to see if he does it by the end of the week before I moan but he knows I’ll do it because I don’t want to leave it (he wouldn’t have done it - would have done a bit).
argh. Sorry it’s so long. Don’t want to drip feed. AIBU or would you P’d off too?