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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My line manager just called me “young lady”

34 replies

Withnailandeye · 07/06/2023 15:29

I’m a director in an international real estate company, as is my line manager. Recently we moved some of his portfolios over to my management as he is focussing on business development and less on client facing professional work, all directed through our head of region (more senior than both of us) which was done amicably with everyone’s agreement/support.
This morning, having an informal discussion regarding progress on a client deal and he says “excellent, send me the document over to review and approve” to which I replied “thanks but I have delegated authority now for sign off so that won’t be necessary”.
He spun around to scowl at me and said “young lady I’ve been signing off this client for 20+ years”. I said “please do not speak to me in that way” I was going to continue to confirm I find it incredibly patronising but he rolled his eyes and walked off calling over his shoulder “we can discuss this in my office when you’ve calmed down” there were at least three other colleagues to witness this conversation.
AIBU to think this is a completely unacceptable exchange between two colleagues? I’m in my mid 30s, 12 years qualified, reasonably junior in the company directors but senior in my role, I absolutely do take offence at being called “young lady” because it feels like a scalding I got in school when I was a child.
I don’t particularly like this company and I have been considering leaving having been approached by other smaller firms so I wonder whether this might actually be the final straw and I just leave. My line manager has always tread a fine line with comments and remarks to members of the team and it’s really boring and inappropriate and it’s made me feel quite embarrassed. Right now I feel like walking into his office and just handing him my notice, make a complaint about him up the ladder and get the fuck out.
thoughts? Am I being precious? I know I’m being slightly dramatic, the handing my notice in isn’t impulsive though, I’ve been thinking of doing that for some time - maybe it’s the kick I need?

OP posts:
Frogmila · 07/06/2023 15:32

He sounds like an absolute dinosaur. Put in a complaint and look for another job but don't hand in your notice without another contract signed.

Titmumma · 07/06/2023 15:35

He sounds like a wanker. You get a glimpse of how his wife feels!

Absolutely not acceptable. Complain otherwise he'll continue. Nasty piece of shit.

Coffeaddict · 07/06/2023 15:35

I would be taking this as the final straw and take up one of the competing firms on their offer. However I would be weary of walking out without a firmed up offer elsewhere. This may just be me but in my industry jobs can be highly competitive.

In the short term I would file a complaint with HR, but in my experience it never leads anywhere and the bulling assholes get away with it 🤨

OhBling · 07/06/2023 15:36

His behaviour is absolutely shocking. You might be a relatively junior director, but as you've pointed out - you're still overall quite senior and experienced etc. It was totally uncalled for.

Personally, I'd go over his head to the level above to complain - one assumes it was at that level that the discussions re moving work around/shifting portfolios happened.

I'd also start looking for a new job. Because there's a fairly good chance they won't handle this well and you'll just get more and more pissed off.

Titmumma · 07/06/2023 15:37

And don't forget to leave a review on glassdoor to warn other women!

He might enjoy the fact you're leaving though.

Gtsr443 · 07/06/2023 15:44

It's the "when you've calmed down" bit that would really get me.
Get a new job - they sound awful.

FarmGirl78 · 07/06/2023 15:47

Please take this higher.

I had an issue with a boss who was stuck in the 1970s, and due to workplace structure he'd never worked alongside anyone of equal level management, so was totally oblivious of how his behaviour was just not acceptable nowadays. One time (when he called us "lying bitches" as a 'joke' when a customer had claimed they'd been told something incorrect) I'd just had enough so grit my teeth and sat him down in his office, recalled to him a long list of similar things he'd said over the years, and told him I didn't want him to have to go home and tell his wife he'd been sacked, I just wanted it to stop. You could see the look on his face as he realised how bad it would look for him if I ever reported him. I also made clear I'd already checked with HR and my Union who said he'd be escorted off the premises immediately if anyone else substantiated my claims. He changed virtually overnight thank goodness.

ShadowPuppets · 07/06/2023 15:48

Agree with the above. Get the complaint in, and start looking elsewhere. I know the odds of them taking it seriously are slim (in my experience) but that sort of behaviour just has to be held to account if we're going to change anything.

magicstar1 · 07/06/2023 15:48

My CEO said “Good girl” to me once on the phone …. once! I went straight to his office and asked would he speak to one of the men like that? He immediately apologised and it never happened again.
You we’re right to correct him, and he should apologise.

Cosyblankets · 07/06/2023 15:49

It doesn't matter one jot how senior someone is or how junior someone is. No one should be referred to as young lady in that tone

BigCheekBitch · 07/06/2023 15:50

If no other colleague gets in touch and offers to support a complaint (without you asking them too) that would be the final push for me that bad behaviour is tolerated . One man can get worked out but structural shite takes years.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 07/06/2023 15:54

He's a twat and it's utterly unacceptable and patronising. YANBU

StemStem · 07/06/2023 15:57

What did he say once you’d calmed down and spoke to him?

LakieLady · 07/06/2023 15:59

Patronising fuckwit. I'd definitely report, ideally to a director who has responsibility for diversity/equality issues, if there is one (and by the sound of it, someone needs to take responsibility for this stuff).

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/06/2023 16:04

StemStem · 07/06/2023 15:57

What did he say once you’d calmed down and spoke to him?

Hopefully op hasn’t calmed down!

OhBling · 07/06/2023 16:04

StemStem · 07/06/2023 15:57

What did he say once you’d calmed down and spoke to him?

She didn't need to calm down. She politely pointed out that she did not want to be spoken to in the way he did.

Twatalert · 07/06/2023 16:11

I have been called 'good girl' by a male boss.

A female boss used to address a group of female subordinates with 'hi girls' in emails. Nobody would ever address a group of male subordinates as 'hi boys'.

Twatalert · 07/06/2023 16:13

The 'calm down' is actually gaslighting as it distracts from the actual issue, which he didn't want to address. It invalidates your discomfort about how he spoke to you and makes it seem as though you are overreacting. I get aggressive about this just reading your exchange with him.

BigCCC · 07/06/2023 16:16

Hello OP, I'm also in commercial real estate - there are a number of dinosaurs still roaming in our profession for sure. I agree with previous posters - don't resign without a role to go to, do address the issue with him directly if you can and if not, with HR. There are some decent employers out there and you will find onr. If you are with one of the old skool surveying firms it may be a change you need; they are trying to reverse direction but it's a tanker to put in reverse, rather than a speedboat. Speak also maybe to the RICS if you are a surveyor.

Original poster
Withnailandeye · 07/06/2023 17:28

Thanks for the replies, you are all right, I absolutely need a contract before I hand my notice in, I’ve replied to the internal recruiter who LinkedIn messaged me last week for a role I quite fancy with a competitor, and I’m meeting him and their local partner tomorrow eve to see how they compare.

I didn’t calm down nor have I been to see him because honestly, I wouldn’t accept anyone else in my life speaking to me like that so why should I pander to him.

Im drafting my HR email, so far one (female) has reached out to offer support so I feel as though perhaps his behaviour doesn’t go totally unnoticed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Withnailandeye · 07/06/2023 17:30

BigCCC · 07/06/2023 16:16

Hello OP, I'm also in commercial real estate - there are a number of dinosaurs still roaming in our profession for sure. I agree with previous posters - don't resign without a role to go to, do address the issue with him directly if you can and if not, with HR. There are some decent employers out there and you will find onr. If you are with one of the old skool surveying firms it may be a change you need; they are trying to reverse direction but it's a tanker to put in reverse, rather than a speedboat. Speak also maybe to the RICS if you are a surveyor.

Thanks for your message, I am RICS and I’ve also looked up CAAV for support. I’m on the yellow team, it’s definitely not an isolated event with more senior males in the rural sector, but peers in other firms paint a much brighter picture!

OP posts:
Redhenwattle701 · 07/06/2023 17:39

Have you spoken to the three other colleagues who witnessed the incident op? Would they be prepared to verify how he spoke to you? That would be enormously helpful when it comes to filing a formal complaint, if it gets to that point.

Thistooshallpsss · 07/06/2023 17:48

Hi Op many many years ago back in the 1970s I was RICS. I was the only female surveyor I ever came across and would get directed to the wives section at RICS meetings! My big boss came to the office for a pep talk and called us all chaps. I would have been about 23 at the time but when I had a one to one with him I called him out on it. He harrumphed but hopefully his world view shifted slightly. Sorry to hear it’s still going on nearly 50 years later

DeadbeatYoda · 07/06/2023 19:26

Don't quit, put him in his place. It's time he learned to stop that crap. If you leave, he wins.

Pearfacebananamoomoo · 07/06/2023 19:48

I'm in your industry too. Assuming you are at one of the big players eg CBRE / JLL / Cush / AY / Sav Etc then they all KNOW they have a problem with how women are treated. (Unfortunately they choose not to do a fat lot about it but...) The challenge will be who your boss is and how well protected he is. Does he bring in massive fees? Is he popular ? Do you have a D&I advisor you could speak to in the first instance rather than HR?