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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop inviting these friends along

49 replies

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 09:23

Good friends of 10+ years decided to send their child to private school. Their choice but they’re going to struggle with fees/cost.
kid has no special needs or anything, they’re just going private.

since the decision was made and they’re started ‘tightening’ their belts they’ve become really cheap, for wanting a better word! We often buy tickets for events or activities, then pay each other back but they keep ‘forgetting’ to pay money back. Or leave the pub before their round. Or turn up to the house for a party empty handed or with very little in the way of contribution.

it sounds petty, who cares if someone doesn’t bring a bottle of wine, or doesn’t have cash for a taxi or hasn’t given that tenner for their ticket etc ? Which would usually be my attitude because it usually evens out in a friendship group.
But this is getting one sided and I’m tired of it…
its awkward. It’s like going out with students who all only pay their individual way…

AIBU to stop inviting them when we’ve paid for tickets ahead of time? Or to stuff because I know we’ll end up paying for more ?? Genuine question.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/06/2023 09:25

They want you to subsidise their nightlife so that they can pay for private education. I wouldn't want that in a friendship.

Original poster

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 09:27

No, not quite as black and white I suppose - if they were struggling because one had lost a job or similar that would be different.

OP posts:

Funkyslippers · 07/06/2023 09:27

Well personally I would just be honest with them. They're being very rude and disrespectful

chipsandpeas · 07/06/2023 09:29

or just change things up
get money up front for tickets/events or just get them to buy there own
same with pub trips, dont buy rounds

Mosaic123 · 07/06/2023 09:29

You can see why they have less disposable income.

I would stop inviting them to expensive events with tickets and just go out for a picnic with them or a simple walk with a cup of coffee at the end

Your method of meeting up has had to change, even if you don't approve of their school choice.

They should have been honest and said that they need to go in cheaper outings

Ragwort · 07/06/2023 09:30

Just stop seeing them ... or say something like 'we are going to X at weekend, do join us there if you'd like to' ... if they ask about tickets say 'we got ours last week as soon as they were issued' ... but really, why bother with such cheap skates as friends.

PleasantOwl · 07/06/2023 09:30

Just be upfront.

Tell them they need to bring their own drinks to house parties.

They get the first round or don’t drink in rounds.

They buy their own tickets, or they don’t come.

Lkgcsr · 07/06/2023 09:44

It’d annoy me that you’re basically subsidising their life because they’ve chosen to do this with the money they do have. I’d be asking for money before buying tickets for anything in the future and purposefully suggesting things where they have to pay equally so meals out where they have to pay their way or ask them for dinner and to bring a pudding if they don’t naturally bring a contribution.

BlowDryRat · 07/06/2023 09:50

A mix of both. Their financial circumstances have changed, so they can't afford your group's usual social activities. They are being unreasonable to try to keep it up by effectively stealing money from you (not paying for tickets as agreed) and not paying their way. They could easily say "Look, our circs have changed now the DC are in private so we can't join you at ticketed nights out, we'll just pay for our own drinks rather than doing rounds and take turns not drinking so one of us can drive home rather than paying for a taxi." That would be fine.

On the other hand, it would be nice of you to graciously accept a smaller contribution from guests coming to your house.

Original poster

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 09:51

‘I would stop inviting them to expensive events with tickets ‘

We’re talking local stuff where Tix might be £6/8/10 and often stuff where kids are going too. That’s why it feels a bit petty.
As part of a bigger parents/friends/ kids group we have a WA where often stuff is suggested and someone books then we all transfer money back…

OP posts:

Lobelia123 · 07/06/2023 09:52

Its absolutely their right to prioritise where they spend their money - if they want to do that in investing in private education, thats absolutely fine, acceptable and their prerogative. Where it becomes problematic is that theyre trying to continue their previous pre-expense lifestyle and social life, but because there isnt the sam elevel of disposable income, they seem to be shifting the bill to their friends to pick up. Thats not on and I dont blame you for feeling abit used. It would definately stop me from including them - not because theyre spending their money on a private school, but because they are being dishonest and shortchanging their friends. Thats just really cheap and nasty.

Charliecatpaws · 07/06/2023 09:58

You're subsidising their childs education, they are CF's

nutbrownhare15 · 07/06/2023 09:59

I would just make sure you aren't personally short changed. Get money transfers before booking an event. Setting a deadline of 24 hours to pay is reasonable, if others haven't paid just message them to confirm they want to go if you know they'll be good for the money and just don't buy for the CFs. Stop doing rounds in the pub if they are there. On party invites say 'please bring x'. It they don't bring anything after that you'd be justified not to next time.

Ginola2345 · 07/06/2023 10:00

You can either:

A) decide not to bother inviting them anywhere.

B) carry on as you are but expect to be constantly subsidising them.

C) do things differently and say we are going to go to Y and decided it is easier if we all arrange and pay for our own tickets etc. How about a picnic in the park and we all just bring what we would each like to eat.

Personally, if I was them it is rude to not take a token gift along like a bottle of wine or something or have one or both of them not drinking or missing a drink in a pub so they can get the odd round in etc. So I would either decline all invites if the situation is that bad or only attend things where I could cover my own costs.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/06/2023 10:03

Yes I would change the kind of thing you invite them to otherwise the friendship will be over because you will be so resentful.

DrManhattan · 07/06/2023 10:08

You are paying their kid to go to a private school. Sack them off, they have made their choice

Oblomov23 · 07/06/2023 10:11

I hate tightness. Very unattractive trait. But, Why on earth haven't you said something before? "Btw please transfer me the £50 for the eg Peter Kay tickets". It's simple. Why are you making this so hard?

Original poster

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 10:15

‘I hate tightness. Very unattractive trait. But, Why on earth haven't you said something before? "Btw please transfer me the £50 for the eg Peter Kay tickets". It's simple. Why are you making this so hard?’

I have and so do. In fact I’m about to chase £8 for the 3rd time for a kids event. But it’s just £8 so part of me feels like it’s a fuss over hardly any money.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 07/06/2023 10:19

Make that the last time you buy stuff on their behalf and have to do all the chasing around

forrestgreen · 07/06/2023 10:19

Just add it all up for the last few weeks so it's not 'just' £8

FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/06/2023 10:21

Can you message all in WA group and just say that you feel like a prick chasing up £8 but that it all adds up. Can folk please make sure they have transferred the money. If not then I will stop buying tickets unless I receive the payment in advance. Sorry but getting tickets/ lunches/ whatever for several adults and their kids is pricey.

Carrusa · 07/06/2023 10:28

Don't subsidise them. They are only going to get worse.

Next time you go to book for everyone and you know you're out of pocket from last time, PM them before you book and say look, you never paid me for x or y. Could you send me £z for your ticket in advance by x date this time please? Otherwise I'll leave you to get your own tickets separately.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/06/2023 10:29

FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/06/2023 10:21

Do this!

Or, don't chase the £8 and the next time they want to join in, say "sorry, still haven't received the £8 from last time. Could you please transfer £X to cover the £8 and these tickets before I purchase them. If you can't, that's fine, I'll just buy tickets for the rest of us."

Next time you're at the pub "Oh, you didn't manage to buy a round before leaving last time. Why don't you do the first round then, ok?" If they refuse, then don't include them in the round.

Make it clear that no more will be purchased until they start

OhBling · 07/06/2023 10:30

FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/06/2023 10:21

This is a good response I think. I totally know what you mean re chasing up small amounts of money but it does add up. So the trick is to pre-empt and make the point in advance.

Having said that, the final nail in the coffin of a friendship with a flatmate in my 20s... it was on its last legs anyway... was when about a year after we stopped living together she bought a flat. It turned out, all her endless comments that she didn't have any money which led to me paying for all kinds of things, were becuase she was saving frantically for a deposit. I didn't actually mind that she chose to save over spending, what I minded is that she wasn't honest with me about why she never had any money and so I always felt bad for her that she was working in such a low paid job (I was naive, today, I'd realise that her job was better paid than mine was).

Daleksatemyshed · 07/06/2023 10:56

I'd chat to the rest of the group and see how they feel. If others have noticied and agree then you could post on WA that in future it's money upfront for tickets, no exceptions. Don't let them get away with using you Op, you're already getting resentful and if you fall out it will split the whole group up

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