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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop inviting these friends along

49 replies

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 09:23

Good friends of 10+ years decided to send their child to private school. Their choice but they’re going to struggle with fees/cost.
kid has no special needs or anything, they’re just going private.

since the decision was made and they’re started ‘tightening’ their belts they’ve become really cheap, for wanting a better word! We often buy tickets for events or activities, then pay each other back but they keep ‘forgetting’ to pay money back. Or leave the pub before their round. Or turn up to the house for a party empty handed or with very little in the way of contribution.

it sounds petty, who cares if someone doesn’t bring a bottle of wine, or doesn’t have cash for a taxi or hasn’t given that tenner for their ticket etc ? Which would usually be my attitude because it usually evens out in a friendship group.
But this is getting one sided and I’m tired of it…
its awkward. It’s like going out with students who all only pay their individual way…

AIBU to stop inviting them when we’ve paid for tickets ahead of time? Or to stuff because I know we’ll end up paying for more ?? Genuine question.

OP posts:

Thebigblueballoon · 07/06/2023 11:10

How many people are in this friendship group, out of interest?

It’s time to have a frank conversation with this couple, OP. Don’t just chase the latest 8 quid they owe you, tot up the full amount. Explain to them that you’ve waited patiently for the money, but you now need to pay for X, so they need to settle their bill. They can’t reasonably say no, and if they do - bye, bye CF shitty friendship.

Howyiz · 07/06/2023 12:04

Ginola2345 · 07/06/2023 10:00

You can either:

A) decide not to bother inviting them anywhere.

B) carry on as you are but expect to be constantly subsidising them.

C) do things differently and say we are going to go to Y and decided it is easier if we all arrange and pay for our own tickets etc. How about a picnic in the park and we all just bring what we would each like to eat.

Personally, if I was them it is rude to not take a token gift along like a bottle of wine or something or have one or both of them not drinking or missing a drink in a pub so they can get the odd round in etc. So I would either decline all invites if the situation is that bad or only attend things where I could cover my own costs.

This is the way, if they are friends just change the way you do things.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/06/2023 12:16

Try it another way . Do you fancy doing …. great. I got the tickets last time .
I am nipping to the loo I’ll have a gin and tonic while you get the round in .

or we will just get our own ..

but no I definitely wouldn’t subsidise friends just for private education. Life problems yes

TaggySitz · 07/06/2023 12:47

Let them order their own tickets, don't go in rounds, problem solved.

Wintermothering · 07/06/2023 13:38

There is an app called splitwise, you can all add what you’ve paid for and when an appropriate moment arises, you can press settle and everyone can see what is owed. Useful for days out/weekends away in particular

Equalitea · 07/06/2023 14:45

No one life’s a freeloader.

Get them to book tickets or they don’t get tickets! If out jokingly call them out to get the first round as it must be their turn. If they’re invited somewhere specifically ask them to grab such and such on the way.

If those kind of strategies don’t work then I’d stop going out with them because I wouldn’t be wanting to subsidise another couples social life!

Kimchikeffir · 07/06/2023 14:52

I find chasing money owed to me more successful if I do it on the WhatsApp group where everyone can see who hasn’t paid up.

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2023 14:55

Is there a wider group dynamic?

I have a friend like this (less the private school - she chose to become a SAHM, same effect), and my other friend drives me bats by babying her.

If it's just you and them, stop inviting them, or ask them to buy tickets and refund them. If it's a wider group - well, not up to you if they come, but same applies for me. Just make sure you're not the one out of pocket.

Lenovolaptop · 07/06/2023 14:59

Next time you're at the pub you need to say 'it's your round Kelly'.

If you're planning a ticketed event then send a group message 'does anyone want to see Xxx if so I'll buy the tickets if you can all transfer the cash to me by Friday. I'm not buying the tickets unless I have the cash up front' (so your not outrightly picking on them).

If they ever host anything like a bbq don't take anything with you.

Throwncrumbs · 07/06/2023 15:00

If they can’t afford outings now they shouldn’t come. It’s not on and rude. I bet if you say something though they will argue that it’s not their fault they are skint. I bet they were like it before but not so noticeable. I wouldn’t include them anymore and say you are not subbing them so they can pay for private school!

malificent7 · 07/06/2023 15:02

Stop doing rounds for a start...how anyone can afford them is beyond me.
Otherwise yanbu.

FurryPelmet · 07/06/2023 15:04

CFs. Stop offering to book for everyone because that is now being (rather cheekily) treated an unspoken offer to pay for everyone. The next time something comes up that requires tickets, just say ‘I think it’s best if we all just sort our own tickets.’

It should be obvious why, but if they are so thick skinned / lacking self awareness that they ask why, tell them the truth and say that it’s to avoid you needing to keep trying to get payment afterwards. You’re busy and it’s awkward.

billy1966 · 07/06/2023 15:05

Yanbu.

Stop including them.

If they mention it you can say you thought they were no longer interested in outings.

As for the third time asking, I definitely wouldn't let it slide and I wouldn't include them again.

Real friends do not behave like this and clearly this will be an ongoing issue.

It's really shabby behaviour.

pizzaHeart · 07/06/2023 15:08

Just put it into WA group : I’ve just checked my records Jane and you didn’t pay me £8 back for the Bouncy castle. Could you do it by tomorrow please?
then post BEFORE booking the next activity that you would prefer money being sent before booking something and stick to it.
Tell them in the pub as someone suggested that they haven’t done their round for quite a while so it’s their turn.
As to dinner parties.. depends on the format if you are not sharing costs it’s tricky so you might stick to tea and biscuits only.

ohdamnitjanet · 07/06/2023 15:20

I’d ask them to book the next tickets……you know what comes next ( or doesn’t )

TheOrigRights · 07/06/2023 15:33

*friends of 10+ years decided to send their child to private school. Their choice but they’re going to struggle with fees/cost.....
since the decision was made and they’re started ‘tightening’ their belts *

Have they actually told you they're going to struggle or do you know this level of detail about their personal finances?

Have they told you they're tightening their belts? And if so, why?

I think this will help with my response.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/06/2023 15:35

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/06/2023 10:29

Do this!

Or, don't chase the £8 and the next time they want to join in, say "sorry, still haven't received the £8 from last time. Could you please transfer £X to cover the £8 and these tickets before I purchase them. If you can't, that's fine, I'll just buy tickets for the rest of us."

Next time you're at the pub "Oh, you didn't manage to buy a round before leaving last time. Why don't you do the first round then, ok?" If they refuse, then don't include them in the round.

Make it clear that no more will be purchased until they start

Show quote history

This is such a good way of handling the situation. I also like the idea from FFS.

RockGirl · 07/06/2023 16:52

I really hate doing rounds. I prefer to pay for my own drink and not feel guilty if I want something more expensive. And I like to drink at my own pace, and not feel rushed because a round is coming up.

steppemum · 07/06/2023 17:03

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 10:15

‘I hate tightness. Very unattractive trait. But, Why on earth haven't you said something before? "Btw please transfer me the £50 for the eg Peter Kay tickets". It's simple. Why are you making this so hard?’

I have and so do. In fact I’m about to chase £8 for the 3rd time for a kids event. But it’s just £8 so part of me feels like it’s a fuss over hardly any money.

I would chase this with a comment.

hi x, just chasing that £8 for the event we went to.
Can I just say that I have had to ask 3 times, and I am embarrassed to ask again, but this has happened every time we have done something together for the last few months. We love spending time with you, but we cannot afford to subsidise you. If events like this are out of your budget now, happy to change what we do, eg meet for drinks at our house.

Tessasanderson · 07/06/2023 17:04

Are you still interested in them as friends? Would you consider altering some of your plans to make them easier for them to afford? If so i wouldnt be quite so aggressive about things as some of the suggestions. Maybe they are indeed struggling with money and as much as they dont want to admit it pride is getting the better of them.

Its a real shame that either you are not good friends enough to discuss it, they are too proud to discuss it or maybe you are not as nice a friend as you think and are unapproachable.

Whatever, its not nice for them to be cheapskating you and its not nice for you to be judging them so harshly. Decide whether you are willing to compromise and then have an adult conversation.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/06/2023 17:27

In the pub don't just ask them what they want, say "shall we do rounds or do you just want to get your own?" If they say rounds , then say "ok mines a g&t" or do kitty for the evening
For parties etc , make it clear to them to bring what you want to drink or to bring pud or whatever
Events, no excuse, next time add on what they still owe and don't book for them until paid by deadline , ie- if you want me to get tickets pay by Friday.
You can have more relaxed conversations with other friends, they needn't know

Original poster

Readabookgroucho · 07/06/2023 18:11

‘Have they actually told you they're going to struggle or do you know this level of detail about their personal finances?

Have they told you they're tightening their belts? And if so, why?’

they have said - in a don’t know how we’ll manage way.
I think it’s mad- it’s a status thing, WC parents managing to send D.C. to posh school…
we have great state schools here, and the school their D.C. would attend is very good.

they’re getting the usual ‘scholarship’
that some schools give out - 10% of fees.
but still need to find £2k extra a month.

OP posts:

MissEvilQueen · 07/06/2023 19:17

They're using you. You're paying for them to be able to afford their kids to have private education. What are contributing towards your children's education?

If they want their children to have a private education fair enough, I'd do it if I could afford to its well worth the money. But its not your job to pay for their lifestyle just so they can afford it.

They are not forgetting to pay you back, they're mugging you off, and I'll be honest private education is not cheap if they can even entertain the idea of it they're not broke they're just pushing the boundaries and know that you're nice enough to let it happen.

mondaytosunday · 07/06/2023 20:05

So they can buy the tickets next time. Or in the pub look at them and say 'I think it's your time to get the first round'. I mean what can they say or do then?
It's their decision how they spend their money, but it's not up to friends to cover their shortfall.

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