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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He should drive the car

55 replies

ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 00:12

DH wants to get the train to work, I want him to drive

In brief, DH works from home 4 days a week and has to go into the office in a nearby city once a week.

Last month I started a new job role and I’m now working from home once a week and in the office 4x per week.

My daily commute is about 45 minutes to an hour each way. I set off at 7:15, drop the kids off, then go on to the office. On the way back I collect the kids before arriving home at around 5pm. My day is therefore longer than DH who doesn’t leave the house.

The day I work from home is the day DH goes to his office. He wants to get the train but I want him to drive because I want a day off commuting!

If he goes by train I have to set off even earlier (6:45) to drop him at the station before dropping the kids off before driving back home to start work.

The difficulty is it’s about an hour to an hour and half (two hours in bad traffic) to the city and so DH must leave work early in order to get back in time to collect the kids. However, he does have flexi-time so he could just work a little longer the work from home days. But DH doesn’t want to ‘waste’ his flexi-time (and would prefer the train ride to the long drive).

AIBU to want a day off commuting?

OP posts:

Cranfor · 07/06/2023 00:27

If he wants to get the train that’s great! He needs to make his own way to the station. I’m not sure why you are facilitating lifts, it’s his choice to commute that way, he’s an adult, surely he can fend for himself.

Carrusa · 07/06/2023 00:56

"If he goes by train I have to set off even earlier (6:45) to drop him at the station before dropping the kids off before driving back home to start work."

But... no you don't. How about a couple of times a week it's his job to drop the kids and pick them up? Why does him taking the train "have" to put you out?

He INBU wanting to take the train, but I think you need a shake up that splits the lifts and childcare drops/pickups MUCH more evenly. YANBU to want a day off from the commute and you shouldn't be the default provider of everyone's lifts all week.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/06/2023 01:00

Why does he think he should never be the one dropping and collecting the kids?

Why do you have to take him to the station? Can’t he get there for himself?

Can you take the train to your work when he wfh?

viques · 07/06/2023 01:09

Can you compromise? You will drive him to the station for his commute day, but he will do the school runs on his wfh days, which means both of you have a more relaxed start to your commute days and a slightly more complicated start to your wfh days.

Original poster

ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 07:06

We only have one car between us so it wouldn’t make sense time wise for him to take the kids on the other days.

My old place of work was less than 5 minutes from the train station so he is used to me taking him to the station and getting the train. Made sense then but now it’s very much out of my way!

OP posts:

towriteyoumustlive · 07/06/2023 07:09

The train sounds sensible but tell him to make his own way there!

DDivaStar · 07/06/2023 07:18

That makes no sense.

I assume you've ruled out parking at the station due to cost/ availability which is understandable. On his office day he needs to drop thd kids and make his own way to work whatever way works best.

Sigmama · 07/06/2023 07:22

Could he cycle to the station and or share school runs, he sounds like a cf

WesterosGreen · 07/06/2023 07:23

Why can't he walk the kids/take the bus to drop them off on his WFH days?

And yes, obviously no lift to the station on his commute day!

Muncha · 07/06/2023 07:26

How far is the train station from your house?

bibbityboppityboo · 07/06/2023 07:34

On a Friday it doesn't seem like it would make sense for him to drop the DC off at school - if it's 1-2 hours travel to the office, surely dropping DC off in the morning then by the time he's made it in to the office it'll be almost time to leave to pick them up from school?

Any possibility he can make his own way to the station? Or could a change or working days mean he works from the office on a day you do too, so he can get dropped off when you're going out anyway - then on Friday he can WFH and do the school run and you WFH and don't?

Lkgcsr · 07/06/2023 07:37

I agree with you that it shouldnt put you out although why can’t he drive to the train station to avoid you having to take him?

TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 07:45

@ChuggerChoo so he doesn’t share the school run at all and the mental/physical load of it all is completely on you? Erm no.

explain that you are knackered and would love his help in this one thing as luckily his working conditions would allow it.

id certainly not be giving him lifts to the station!

Crfafft · 07/06/2023 07:50

bibbityboppityboo · 07/06/2023 07:34

This seems like the best option if available. It doesn’t seem that the husband isn’t intentionally not doing his share in the current set up, more that with one car between them, and their respective offices being reached best by car for OP and train for her husband, that this is the most practical arrangement.

VerticalSausages · 07/06/2023 07:51

Your DH is taking the piss. As PP said, how far are you from the station

SoupDragon · 07/06/2023 07:54

Can't he get a bike and cycle to the station?

CalistoNoSolo · 07/06/2023 07:56

Get another car or don't drop him off at the station. And the person wfh should be doing the school runs.

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 07:56

He can get to the station himself surely?

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 07:56

He can get to the station himself surely?

Or are there mobility issues?

highlandspooce · 07/06/2023 07:56

explain that you are knackered and would love his help in this one thing as luckily his working conditions would allow it.

Don't do this, bloody hell.

YANBU but I can't work out if this is just what he has said and you haven't talked to him yet? Or if you have said 'no you take the kids and I will stay home'? It makes a difference. He may not be thinking or he may be a lazy cunt. Don't ask him for help' though, tell him he has responsibilities.

Goodadvice1980 · 07/06/2023 07:57

How far are you from the railway station? (Being pedantic it isn’t train station 😂)

Is there a bus option to get to the station instead? I wouldn’t be chauffeuring him unless absolutely necessary. Stop being a bloody martyr!

Carrusa · 07/06/2023 08:02

Ok so we don't know what levers you've got around how far it is to school/nursery and the station, whether any of it is walkable or cyclable.

But it's ridiculous that you are taking so much of the load already and having to fight your corner as he demands more of you. Surely between you can come up with something fairer. When it's your office day and he WFH, you "have to" do the school runs. When he's in the office and you WFH, somehow it's still you "having to" do them. WTF? A decent partner would be actually trying to take some of the load, not taking all the flexi time he can to relax at your expense.

Sigmama · 07/06/2023 08:04

I thought a train station was a place where trains stopped

TyneTeas · 07/06/2023 08:05

He needs to look at overall time difference, not just what he saves but also the additional you have to put in to save him that time. Because it isn't just about him.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/06/2023 08:06

Let him take the train, but he drives to the station and drops the dc off and picks them up on his way to and from the station.

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