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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He should drive the car

55 replies

ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 00:12

DH wants to get the train to work, I want him to drive

In brief, DH works from home 4 days a week and has to go into the office in a nearby city once a week.

Last month I started a new job role and I’m now working from home once a week and in the office 4x per week.

My daily commute is about 45 minutes to an hour each way. I set off at 7:15, drop the kids off, then go on to the office. On the way back I collect the kids before arriving home at around 5pm. My day is therefore longer than DH who doesn’t leave the house.

The day I work from home is the day DH goes to his office. He wants to get the train but I want him to drive because I want a day off commuting!

If he goes by train I have to set off even earlier (6:45) to drop him at the station before dropping the kids off before driving back home to start work.

The difficulty is it’s about an hour to an hour and half (two hours in bad traffic) to the city and so DH must leave work early in order to get back in time to collect the kids. However, he does have flexi-time so he could just work a little longer the work from home days. But DH doesn’t want to ‘waste’ his flexi-time (and would prefer the train ride to the long drive).

AIBU to want a day off commuting?

OP posts:
Wicksytricksy · 07/06/2023 08:11

I think you both need to sit down and reshare the load.

Can whoever is WFH drop the kids off later? What hours are you working and what works best for drop offs and pick ups? Can he get the station by foot or bike?

ValerieDoonican · 07/06/2023 08:14

Wicksytricksy · 07/06/2023 08:11

I think you both need to sit down and reshare the load.

Can whoever is WFH drop the kids off later? What hours are you working and what works best for drop offs and pick ups? Can he get the station by foot or bike?

This!

GrumpyPanda · 07/06/2023 08:24

ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 07:06

We only have one car between us so it wouldn’t make sense time wise for him to take the kids on the other days.

My old place of work was less than 5 minutes from the train station so he is used to me taking him to the station and getting the train. Made sense then but now it’s very much out of my way!

So? He can get a cargo bike to transport the kids. Or even ordinary child seats depending on their age.

WesterosGreen · 07/06/2023 08:27

But surely on a WFH day he has time to walk the kids to school? Unless you're very rural?

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 08:39

TyneTeas · 07/06/2023 08:05

He needs to look at overall time difference, not just what he saves but also the additional you have to put in to save him that time. Because it isn't just about him.

Yes make a spreadsheet

MidgeHardcastle · 07/06/2023 10:10

Come on op. You just know that if the working patterns were reversed he would insist on another car and it would still be you doing the school runs. Cf, working from home and you commuting and doing it all. He's a lazy fucker and no mistake.

Nordicrain · 07/06/2023 10:12

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/06/2023 08:06

Let him take the train, but he drives to the station and drops the dc off and picks them up on his way to and from the station.

This surely!

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 10:16

Goodadvice1980 · 07/06/2023 07:57

How far are you from the railway station? (Being pedantic it isn’t train station 😂)

Is there a bus option to get to the station instead? I wouldn’t be chauffeuring him unless absolutely necessary. Stop being a bloody martyr!

Hallelujah! Someone who knows it's "railway station" 😂

NoSquirrels · 07/06/2023 10:17

You only have 1 car.

The DC need dropping and picking up by the person with the car.

So on the 4 days you need the car to get to the train station or work, you also drop and pick up the DC.

On the 2 day your DH needs the car to get to the train station or work, he drops and picks up the DC.

If it’s possible for the DC to be walked to and from childcare/school then your DH should do that as the WFH person instead 4 days a week, and you can do it on your 1 day a week.

In short, he’s taking the piss.

HowardKirksConscience · 07/06/2023 10:19

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 10:16

Hallelujah! Someone who knows it's "railway station" 😂

Show quote history

That battle has been lost 😞

originalglazedsingle · 07/06/2023 10:22

It would make more sense for him to drive to the station, but then you have to walk the kids to school.

Or he can walk or cycle to the train station - or jog if he has a shower in his office, or buy himself an electric bike or a vespa.

OhBling · 07/06/2023 10:23

I'm assuming he can't take the car, drop the kids and park at the station because he has to take a train much earlier than the kids need to be dropped?

I have some sympathy with him not wanting to increase his commuting.... but his answer to his problem seems to be that YOU (and the kids) are increasing your commutes. Around here, insisting the kids be ready to leave the house 30 minutes early, at 6:45, to facilitate this would be a reason to refuse by itself. Add in the additional 45 minutes for you....

Here's a question - when you leave at 7:15 for your commute and kids drop off, what is he doing? Becuase I have a feeling that you're also the one getting up early, getting the kids ready etc while he's having a nice little lie in as he doesn't have to start work until 8:30 or whatever?

CanofCant · 07/06/2023 10:24

I cannot believe he doesn't take the kids to school and that it all falls to you. Well, I can believe it but I'm quite angry for you.

He's all take no give by the sounds of it. Does he look down on your job do you think?

Frabbits · 07/06/2023 10:54

The selfish twat needs to drive or get a bike or something to enable him to do dropoffs.

And "train station" is fine. It's a station, for trains.

Like a bus stop, which isn't called a road stop, is it.

MidgeHardcastle · 07/06/2023 10:58

NoSquirrels · 07/06/2023 10:17

You only have 1 car.

The DC need dropping and picking up by the person with the car.

So on the 4 days you need the car to get to the train station or work, you also drop and pick up the DC.

On the 2 day your DH needs the car to get to the train station or work, he drops and picks up the DC.

If it’s possible for the DC to be walked to and from childcare/school then your DH should do that as the WFH person instead 4 days a week, and you can do it on your 1 day a week.

In short, he’s taking the piss.

This is far too sensible and obvious. I don't know what you were thinking @NoSquirrels

Carrusa · 07/06/2023 11:19

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 10:16

Hallelujah! Someone who knows it's "railway station" 😂

Show quote history

I'm usually up for a bit of pedantry, but really?!

Maybe pull up OP for referring to her horseless carriage in the modern vernacular too. Chuck in a reminder on omnibuses while you're at it. Standards are slipping! 😆

zingally · 07/06/2023 11:38

The train seems the more sensible option tbh.

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 12:41

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 10:16

Hallelujah! Someone who knows it's "railway station" 😂

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with train station. A bus station isn't a "road station"

nutbrownhare15 · 07/06/2023 12:48

Also thinking he can do school run and then drive to train station

steppemum · 07/06/2023 13:15

Sometimes on MN I feel like I have entered a universe of people being deliberately obtuse.

From the OP I took

  1. kids need car to get to school, cannot walk there
  2. station is too far to walk/cycle
  3. dh cannot drop at school and then drive, he wouldn't get to work until mid morning.

Now it may be that OP comes back and says that none of that is true, but given the above
No, he can't help with school runs on days he is wfh, as OP needs car
No, he can't drop kids to and from driving to office
No, he can't make own way to station he needs dropping of in family car
No, he is not being cf really.

The only way out of this is if he can get to the station independantly or one of you can change wfh days so that he can do the school run on your wfh day, when he is also wfh. Or you can gte to work without car so he does school runs.

steppemum · 07/06/2023 13:18

nutbrownhare15 · 07/06/2023 12:48

Also thinking he can do school run and then drive to train station

He currently gets train at 7 ish in the morning.
I am assuming that breakfast club is not open that early.
So he will need to go later, and leave earlier, which means he can't do a full day on his one day in the office.

I have to do school runs 5 days a week. wfh or wfh somewhere else.
It is pretty normal!

Original poster
ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 13:19

Train/Railway Station is a 25-30 minute drive from our house so cycling/bus/walking isn’t an option but also a bit of a moot point as if he made his own way to the station I’d still be doing the school run

It’s a 20-25 minute drive to drop the children off so not really walkable for the non-car person

He’s not lazy/CF in general which is why I was wondering who is being unreasonable. He’s always up before me helping to get everyone ready. He also makes the dinner when he’s working from home so it’s normally pretty much ready when we get home.

I think he just really dislikes the drive into the city and would much rather chill on the train.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/06/2023 13:25

Left-field suggestion - he changes his in-office day to one of the days you’re already commuting, and gets a slightly later train. Would that work?

Original poster
ChuggerChoo · 07/06/2023 13:28

Yeah, school run and train is not a viable option.

He can do school run and drive but it results in a shorter day at the office which is his main objection. The timings would be set off at just after 7am, drop children off at 7:30am, arrive in office around 9am. But then he would have to leave the office by 3-3:30pm to be back in time to collect the children by 5pm arriving home at 5:30pm ish.

So his office time would only be 6-6.5 hours rather than a standard 7.5 hour day. He has flexi-time so my argument is he can make that up during his wfh days where he has no commute. When goes by train he is usually in the office before 8am.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/06/2023 13:36

I think it’s tricky because if you have to commute by car to your work (i.e. leaving aside the school run you still wouldn’t prefer to/be able to get the train), then you have to do the childcare drop-off and pick/up 4 days a week. So he’s not unreasonably shirking, it’s just how it is with one car.

However, I also think he has to realise that it’s unfair to make the DC leave earlier and you do all 5 days of childcare stuff when you only have 1 precious day of WFH. So the onus really is on him to bend and find a solution for that day.