AIBU to this Mumsnet is pretty brutal…

[Newtothis12345]

Just reading through some of the threads- Mumsnet is pretty bloody brutal- should there not be a warning to people feeling low/insecure/sad to be careful! Sort of light hearted but I’m amazed how quickly seemingly bland threads can descend into cat fights, must leave the original poster feeling horrible seeing all the nasty things people can write about them. Posters often fixate on one tiny piece of information in the original post and tear the person to threads. Be nice!

There's a few threads recently that have been described as a pile on to the OP, but I have genuinely thought that those threads were simply a) a narky opening post that was quite ill spirited in itself AND b) the OP doing that thing where they reply to the positive posters only, or doubled down on their twatty responses - including to people who were just offering neutral advice.

I think some people have a hair trigger when it comes to happily telling other women to shut up.

All chat forums eventually collapse under their own weight, because essentially people are cunts and without really robust real life consequences everyone starts to behave like one eventually. We are probably at the end of the beginning for Mumsnet. Evidenced by the increase in promo posts and content as Mumsnet pivots away from the chat element.

Don't forget that people post responses based on their own lives. What does that tell you !

Mumsnet can be a not very nice place at times.

It's also true to say that sometimes people can get upset and cry "be kind" if people disagree with them or they aren't getting the kind of responses they hoped for.

Replies don't always covey well over messages compared to if they were spoken.

And sometimes people are just plain mean.

Mumsnet is not for the faint hearted. I use it as a barometer to measure "In the worst case scenario, this what people might actually think but would probably never tell me in real life."

Look where “Be Kind” got women’s rights, OP. I think we’ve learned “being kind” is a crappy thing for women. It’s “support me or shut up.”

If you want “R u ok, hun,” just go to Netmums.

Mumsnet is great. There are so many knowledgeable people on here who engage, plenty of robust debate and some who are so witty.

AIBU can be a bear pit, but that’s part of the fun. Posting on other boards is much gentler.

To think it's more that people are honest. Anonymity means you don't sugar coat it like you may with a friend. Surely that's the point of an anonymous forum? Honest opinions and advice?

I can't tell you how much it bugs me when I see a comment like "Are you always this xxx?" Or "Have you always been so xxx?"
Oh f- off, you would never respond with such nastiness in real life, so why do it here

I agree, I've had some really nasty and completely irrelevant comments aimed at me. People have done and advanced search on my other threads.

Have you gone onto Reddit or any male dominated forums and said this or do you think because this is a female dominated site we have a duty to be nice whereas other forums do not? Even on threads on those forums where a poster is asking for help and support? Which happens a LOT!

MN has a report button. Posts that break guidelines can be reported.

It is unrealistic to think that everyone you encounter on the internet is going to be kind, supportive, gentle, say what you want to hear and so on.

I think it's important for people to not think this site is safe, therapy, private or any of the other incorrect things people often attribute to it.

The "be kind" message is misogynistic and fundamentally flawed and basically means women shut up. I've never come across a man being told hashtag be kind.

It's almost as if it isn't actually about people "being kind" at all, but about women being silent, passive and putting everyone else above themselves...

Or, to complete the MN bingo card "Perhaps the person is ND / on the spectrum".

back in the old old days when the internet was shiny and new, alongside cries of "RTFM" to newbies, people were told to watch and read and get a feel for a forum before posting.

Not sure how long you've been around OP. If it's a long time you surely know about other topics/sections? If you are new it is bloody rude a bit daft to come in and say "wah it's rude here"

That is good advice. So if you come to MN as new and look at AIBU and think it's shocking, there are plenty of other places. Chat is good, for eg, or if you just want to vent 30 or 90 days.

AIBU is literally asking people to judge you. If you think it's harsh you might want to think about what you want from a thread before posting and maybe take it elsewhere?

(IMO AIBU posts should all have an automatic poll appended. And maybe the section could have a warning - like the Relationships one for eg - saying "this place is robust, if you don't like robust conversation, try x, y or z section"?
Maybe I'll suggest this in Site Stuff)

it's self-perpetuating if everyone posts in AIBU "for traffic" they know what is going to happen.

how about people start posting profically in other parts of the board? TV? 30 days, chat, whatever. FWR fgs. Just coming in to say "wah wah the nasty AIBU were mean to me" is a bit daft. Go elsewhere. The more people who post in other boards, the less AIBU will be about "traffic" and more about how to hang you toilet roll/how often to wash your towels/when to change your bedclothes/if cream or jam goes on first etc

I think Mumsnet is great actually. I've had my views challenged here, had some thought-provoking responses that have made me view things in a different light, even had a mini pile-on. It's all good.

If you want a fluffy hug box there's loads of other places.

AIBU was ever thus

I tend to agree with this. I’ve been here a long, long time and yes, you definitely get posters who are just on it for a fight or to derail.

But it’s incredibly good at telling you what you NEED to hear, and not just what you WANT to hear. I’ve occasionally had my arse handed to me on a plate and although I hated it at the time, it did me good. Sometimes friends and family won’t say what they think, precisely because they are trying to be nice. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have people who aren’t invested in “be nice” but will tell it how it is instead.

There have also been times I’ve really needed support - traumatic life events etc - and finding others here who’ve been through the same thing has got me through. It can be a brilliant place. But you have to be prepared to take the rough with the smooth.

I've seen OPs where i think "god, wet lettuce, do X" and as i've read the thread i've seen some really different POVs and angles and thought "blimey, this has shocked me out of my nice-life bubble" and changed my mind about what i think. (i do try to RTFT before posting, don't always manage and yes, because of later reading the thread thought "oh Bref, you tit. Stop doing that"

Them's the breaks.

But don't come onto AIBU and say it's mean. You will get some simpering replies about how we should all be kind (go to other threads if you want kind) or some really robust answers telling you to put your OP where the sun doesn't shine.

It makes me laugh sometimes to be honest. According to MN all men are horrible and most definitely having an affair, it’s always a man’s fault, someone will ALWAYS have a better (worse?) story (if you had a bad birth, they died giving birth for example 😂) etc. That said there’s sometimes some really good advice but it’s a bit like panning for gold sometimes.

to be fair, I’m pretty harsh with some of the questions that get asked! 🙃

I just think that certain people are threatened by Mumsnet because it's full of women, usually mothers, who dare to have our own opinions.

Owen Jones hates Mumsnet and thinks we are a tool of facist oppression. So we must be doing something right.

This. It doesn’t do anyone any good to beat about the bush and sugar coat things.

Sorry... no. Whilst there is undeniably an expectation on women to be kind/nice/understanding from a societal standpoint, I don't see the issue with this. I'm in a few male dominated groups and forums, they can be really harsh and my point is why wouldn't we want to do better, try to have empathy etc? Besides, plenty of female dominated groups I'm in are flipside/extremely supportive. MN is not one of those.

It's so easy to be opinionated on here and strongly reinforce what you believe, but when was the last time any of us actually placed ourselves in someone else's shoes and extended empathy?

It's not the fact that women are allowed to be just as rude as men, it's the fact that on this forum people don't really seem to ever think about the other side, it's very much "I think". It's a bit rigid and yeah sometimes you can quite literally sense people's own unhappiness filtering into their vitriolic slagging off. Firm believer that harsh/judgy comments stem from people's own insecurities.

No real solution but I wouldn't ever post here for advice for myself, I do enjoy the threads though.

Wow this thread really highlights who the arseholes are😂

Honestly I don’t think it’s particularly horrible at all. There are certainly posters that try to be horrible, but it’s invariably done in such a trite and passive aggressive way that it’s hard to perceive it as anything other than funny tbh.

Sorry, no.
An expectation placed on women that is not placed on men should not be accepted.

The point is there is an expectation to be civil, empathetic and of supportive of other women. If men don't want to do that, or you don't want to do that fine, but I will.

@begaydocrime42
Why just other women? Why is the expectation not the same for all people regardless? If you don't like a forum's style, don't use it.