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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family WhatsApp group

33 replies

BlackFlyChardonnay · 06/06/2023 18:45

It's the family WhatsApp group that's triggered this specific post, but I guess my feelings are about smart phones and always being contactable as a wider subject.

Does anyone else feel constantly bombarded? I keep my phone on silent most of the time, but have to access WhatsApp regularly throughout the day as part of my job. In the space of 40 minutes this afternoon, there's been over a hundred messages on the family chat. It's largely nonsense. There are members of the family that are very active on social media in general, like post a pic of their morning coffee every day, a selfie at the gym, the view view from the window on their commute, any new purchase, even if it's just a sandwich from pret. I'm not like that, but it is fine, i appreciate that people use SM in different ways, and I can hide their posts. But they post this same stuff on WhatsApp. One husband and wife duo comment to each other in the group chat. Like, the husband will post a photo of his lounge and say "finally put those shelves up!" And the wife will reply "well done babe, looks fantastic!!". It's her house. She's sat in her lounge and can see the shelves and praise him in person. Why the need for the public performance?

I feel intruded upon. If I mute the chat, I still see I've got unread messages when i go in to WhatsApp. I got back from holiday this morning and I've already been asked to WhatsApp my holiday pics. I've not unpacked yet, I'm completely exhausted, and then I've been called a spoilsport and a wimp for saying "maybe tomorrow when I hopefully have more time and energy".

On the surface, this is a nice way of dispersed family staying in touch. And I am genuinely interested in the big news and achievements, I just find the constant stream a bit much.

What is the answer? I guess the obvious one is: leave the group. But that is a quite a bold statement that would undoubtedly offend people. I can't very well say "sorry, you lot talk too much drivel so I'm opting out". I already take part minimally in the chat but will comment on things of note (niece passing driving test, nephew's GCSE results, wishing someone good luck at a new job etc) and try to ignore the daily stream of consciousness stuff. I do care about these people and want to know their (genuine) news, but this is too much.

Is this just modern life now? Every club my kids are in each have group chats, as do their school classes, and a hobby I do. All seem to have lots of unnecessary "banter." I enjoy the group chats I have with friends - probably because we are all quite similar and don't bombard each other.

I'm honestly so over having a smartphone and having this expectation put on me that I need to be in constant contact with everyone. Aibu?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 06/06/2023 23:08

Just from your title, I was thinking that we are just different. I like being able to keep in touch with my family, and to enjoy a bit of family banter.

Then I read your post.
100 messages in 40mins is ridiculous.
I would honestly just say you feel it is overwhelming and you don't have the time to devote to keeping up with the chats, so are leaving the group, and then go.

I'm in several WhatsApp groups that can be quite active, but I wouldn't get anywhere near 100 messages between all the groups over the course of a whole day. That is absolutely bonkers. Leave the group for your own sanity.

AmenAmin · 06/06/2023 23:13

I just mute the family chat tbh. Occasionally dip in. People chase me directly if it’s needed.

PartyFarty · 06/06/2023 23:19

Just keep doing what you're doing - comment on the important stuff just. When there are loads of messages, just skim read the longer messages and leave the numerous short back-and-forward messages. Just be honest if anyone asks

ColourMeBlue · 06/06/2023 23:23

I mute the chat and have a look once every couple of evenings.sometimes I turn my phone off completely and go on my Ipad.i can still be online with out being shown as active,as I havnt downloaded any social media app to my Ipad😊

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/06/2023 23:30

I find it easy to pretty easy to just mute the chats and only open for the ones where I’m directly @ed. If the relatives are important to you just drop a message in the chat saying you don’t always get around to reading the whole chat so for any really important news to @ you or message you directly.

But then, I also have 67,960 unread emails in my Gmail account and it doesn’t bother me a jot, so perhaps ignoring the build up is easier for some people than others!

Family WhatsApp group
sunshineandshowers40 · 07/06/2023 00:09

Mute and archive the chat.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/06/2023 00:11

Archive the chat. Look at it if / when you want to. Job done.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/06/2023 00:12

Don't mute it. That doesn’t do a damn thing. Archive it!

BlackFlyChardonnay · 07/06/2023 07:12

I can't seem to archive chats, I can only leave the group and delete it. I've got a Samsung phone, if that makes a difference. I can see the option to archive on my husband's iPhone, so maybe android doesn't allow it.

OP posts:
Hayfeverjogon · 07/06/2023 07:16

I can definitely archive group chats. Do you need to update your app maybe? I have a Samsung too!

It's overwhelming and I know quite a few people on social media breaks at the moment. Yesterday I deleted Instagram altogether (but kept everything else)

It was such a random decision but I haven't missed it at all...

greenacrylicpaint · 07/06/2023 07:16

separate phone for work?

my family is similar. especially one member who posts lots of memes and videos of their pet.
I had to tain myself to only look into the family chat once a day. I even have it in my calendar!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 07/06/2023 07:23

The constant messaging is a bit much. But I'm with them on the photo thing. Just take a couple of pictures with the phone and forward them then and there to the group. It's nice to see them at the time.

We are guilty of a bit of a blow by blow account but nothing like your lounge chat relatives!

Isthisexpected · 07/06/2023 07:26

Maybe I'll post some holiday pictures when I've got time and energy?? I think they probably think you're a bit miserable. They're showing an interest in your life. You don't need to look at it often and if you start tagging people in your replies others will get the hint too.

Irequireausername · 07/06/2023 07:50

I agree and I find for me that I unfortunately engage less. It doesn't seem very personal, it's like messaging for no reason.

I also don't get why they post pics without any context. For example a picture of them at the beach. Is this today? Last year? Etc it makes it hard to have real conversations.

Ironically i'd say it actually makes us more distant.

DysmalRadius · 07/06/2023 07:56

It's a folder icon with an arrow in the main screen, but it only appears when you have a chat selected.

MadamWhiteleigh · 07/06/2023 07:59

When oh when will WhatsApp allow us to leave a group without it notifying everyone. People have been crying out for this feature for years.

skippy67 · 07/06/2023 08:02

I can archive on my Samsung. Do that.

SwedishEdith · 07/06/2023 08:06

I have no qualms about muting stuff like this and doing a quick scroll every now and then in case I missed something. Lots of people are very inane.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 07/06/2023 08:09

Irequireausername can't you ask? say Nice beach , is that where you are today?

Mine is easier because it's much less volume. It's usually my niece going on fantastic holidays and we all drool over the location and live vicariously through her.
My sister would be on OP's side though. She thinks we way over do it - at only about 30-50 messages a week.

OP, maybe set 10-15 minutes aside to catch up. Once a day or week have a cup of tea and scroll through then let them be for the rest of the day/week.

LaMaG · 07/06/2023 08:12

That's headwrecking OP. So I'm guessing you still need to scroll through the rubbish to find the relevant stuff? Maybe set a time each day or every other day to review and tell them that you only check this x number of times and be sure to contact directly if its urgent? Those that are into SM need to understand it's not everyone's cup of tea and can't expect instant replies.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2023 08:12

"Hey, heres a few holiday snaps, had a fab time. Can't wait to see you all soon. I'm taking a WhatsApp break as I've got so many odd little groups I'm in it's feeling like a full time job, so I'm off the app completely for the month of June. Love you all"

Then leave the group.

ihaveayod · 07/06/2023 08:13

I have a samsung phone and the setting was available to archive chats (I have quite a few archived), but I have just looked and now there is no option to archive - I'm guessing some update has removed it.

I also have Whatsapp on my computer and I still have the option to archive from there, my advice is put Whatsapp on your computer and then you will be able to archive from there.

JustCheckMyHead · 07/06/2023 08:16

People get obsessed with these things. I had the audacity to leave my ‘family’ chat and it didn’t go down well - now not speaking to them!

ssd · 07/06/2023 08:17

Pretend your phone us broken. Thats my excuse if i dont want contact with someone.

beachcitygirl · 07/06/2023 08:21

I'm in 2 minds.

Firstly can totally get on board with you being irritated by so so many messages.
But
It is the easiest thing in the world to mute/archive a group chat and set aside 15 mins once a week to scroll through.

Put a pleasant post on the family group chat saying "I'm kinda rubbish at keeping up with this as have so much work stuff, apologies if I miss anything, if you need me, give me a buzz"

Send some holiday pics and stop being such a woe is me - honestly, when I've time & energy is such a Gwynneth Paltrow in a bad way attention seeking post. - Maybe you're a lot more like your family than you realise.

Either way, these people are interested & invested in your life.
Take the time to make that work for you & don't cause unnecessary drama (unless of course that's what you're looking for )