To ask if you’ve also lost your lust for life and how to either get it back or just accept it…?

[Seekingadvice1980]

I cannot figure out what’s happened to me lately and I think I’m looking for people who’ve had similar experiences and how they have dealt with it.

I’m 45, single (very much by choice) and live in a nice house in a nice town. I don’t think I’m menopausal yet as that’s probably relevant. I live a comfortable life with good friends and I mostly enjoy my very sociable job in a hospital.

It’s difficult to put my finger on it exactly but over the last few years I seem to have lost a certain ‘joie de vivre’ about - well most things really. I’m not especially unhappy or depressed, (I know what both of these states feel like) I just feel utterly indifferent/apethetic about nearly everything and I don’t know why. Or even if it’s a problem. I didn’t use to feel like this at all, I used to get excited about things, thoroughly enjoy things, look forward to things, see value in doing things….. and now, I barely truly ‘enjoy’ anything that much. I don’t even cry anymore or feel miserable as that would be too extreme of a feeling. I feel so in the middle. Is this what ‘contentment’ feels like? Maybe I’m just ‘content’?

I spend my days off work sitting down as much as possible and doing as little as possible. I get everything done, I’m even glad of housework as it’s functional and gives me a bit of purpose in the moment… I go and meet friends and do the usual ‘life stuff’ but I don’t particularly enjoy it and I often feel myself craving just to be on my own doing nothing.
I have a few hobbies like going to choir and some other social groups which I ‘quite’ like, but even those things which I ‘like’ doing the most, I get home and feel a bit ‘meh’ about what’s just happened. My friends would be astonished that I feel like this as I’m outwardly quite sociable and people find me funny and good company. (I get told this a fair bit)

I’m trying to think of things that have recently brought me true genuine joy. - When my cat gives me a really good cuddle. When we sang our choir concert at Easter. When I have a really deep, rich connecting conversation with a friend. When utterly bonkers and weird things happen at work and I feel ‘in the moment’ and ‘alive’.

My questions are: is this just what ‘happens’ to you as you reach mid-life? Should I just accept its my default state now?
Or does it get better at some point naturally and I’m just in some sort of a temporary funk? Should I take more vitamins or something? Antidepressants? Even though I’m not ‘depressed’? I worry they would numb me out further.
Should I do anything to make it better? Could I? I don’t know what else I can do really as I am social, eat well, don’t drink, don’t smoke, have a decent job, live in a nice house in a nice town….Most of the things people normally ‘recommend’ having to improve life…
I’ve had therapy. I don’t like holidays. I have hobbies.

This isn’t even a ‘moany’ post, it’s a ‘anyone else like this?’ Post.

Yes, sounds like boredom to me too.

Make some changes, OP? Change job, retrain in a new field, up sticks and move countries? Take a career break and go and do something overseas? (I think you have no dependents?) I wouldn’t find the existence you describe fulfilling, either, but I would be wary of deciding that just how things are.

You might be perimenopausal, though if no other symptoms and no change in menstrual cycle it seems a bit old fashioned, if not misogynistic to blame all your emotions "on the hormones." Sometimes it seems this new trend of blaming all women's emotions in 2 decades of midlife on hormones is a little reminiscent of the victoriana concept of "hysteria".

Maybe you are understimulated? We all fall into the same patterns and by the time we are in our 40s we have often been living the same daily and even annual routine for 10-20 years. Its not surprising this loses its excitement and "joke de vivre". How often do you have a new experience anymore? Learn something new, make new relationships or leave your comfort zone.

In our teens and 20s the constant stream of new experiences can be exhausting and angst making so its not surprising we are often happy to settle into a more stable routine. However what initially seems secure can end up being boring, lacking colour and monotonous.

Noone on the Internet can tell you what you are feeling but I would be interested to hear if you think there is anything above that chimes?

I'm 51 and have felt like this for a while. I'm a busy person with work, DC, DH, family and friends. People also know me as quite outgoing, funny and sociable. However all I want to do is just have some alone time, not talk to anyone, just look after myself! I often feel like let's get this (whatever it is, things I used to enjoy) over with so I can go home, but home life isn't easy either, love my family of course but full on.

Like you, I try to think of things I would like to do to get my adrenaline going again. I don't have much spare time but really I could make it and choose better options than having a nap, chilling with a bottle of wine etc.

I was never a sedentary person, was always out aut about happily,now I resent having to be so busy and do this. I do think as we get older and things happen, losing loved ones, worrying about others, does play a huge part. We change from a once free young person, selfish in many ways, having fun, relationships, feeling wanted and desired etc to becoming responsible, tied down by financial constraints, then poof 30 years later looking back at how quickly time has gone.

You are not alone, what can we all do? That urge to keep fit has been replaced with a bad knee, less energy and little desire to get the beach body back as I don't care as much! Xx

I felt like this so at the beginning of the year I rejoined a gym, back to the weight training and forced myself to do classes I’d never have considered before. Things like trampolining and Zumba. Regularly.
Felt amazing afterwards and kept it up. To be honest weight loss wasn’t a priority but I dropped a stone and a dress size, but the effect on my mood has been marked. Would highly recommend trying something completely different for you.

Hi OP. I'm 42 and could have written your post. Very similar here but with added brain fog. I started a similar thread not too long ago and think I am in the very early stages of peri menopause. It's difficult to keep feeling so indifferent about everything. It's exhausting in an unusual way.

I had similar, about 2 yrs (35) ago my sex drive vanished overnight and i started getting very anxious. Tried alllll the advice but nothing worked and i started getting depressed too; couldnt name a thing i enjoyed. Exercise, being in nature which people cite as a fail safe did nothing for me, i just wanted to be home and do nothing. Did blood tests at docs, all fine. I've been through some shit in my life but everything was on the up at this stage.

I started taking 5 htp to boost my serotonin, initially i took the max dose and my theory is it made me relax and got rid of my anxiety, but it left me completely flat, so relaxed i didnt see the point in anything. I've halved the dose now and starting to feel motivated and enjoy old hobbies again, its so nice not to be paranoid or flat! It might be a subtle hormonal imbalance in your case?

I'm 60 and feel exactly like this, OP. Period of depression then menopause did it for me. My pleasures are shallow, these days. I don't get really excited about anything and generally feel a bit flat. Not unhappy, just indifferent to things. I can't work up the same enthusiasm I used to for things I used to enjoy. My creative inspiration and interests (writing and drawing) have long since evaporated. I don't even go looking for books anymore. I knit, but that's it.

I remember feeling similar in my 50s and really wish I'd have done sooner what I eventually did in my early 60s. Which was to embrace life and make conscious efforts to do things.

Go out more, Meet-ups, make new friends, volunteer, foster cats, see lots of plays, operas, concerts, start painting, playing the piano again after decades of being 'too busy', become fanatic about exercise, lifting weights, preparing and eating healthy and delicious food, discovering mindfulness and meditation, reading lots if books........

By the time I retired my life was so full I literally would no longer have had time to work!

Yes, exactly like this for perhaps the last year or so. I am on citalopram but have been for years and years, and this feels different. I am 47 and I am on HRT if relevant.

Im curious of this. How much are you taking? They gave this over estrogen? How often is it prescribed?

Do you think this could be from the Covid vaccine or from the illness?

46 and exactly the same. It’s very likely to be peri-menopause. I never used to be like this. I’m hopeful it will get better. I’ve started HRT and it has helped, but still not back to how I was.

What makes you ask that?

Obviously chat with your GP to ensure nothing else is going on.
Do people actually do that? How is it possible? Here, even is something is obviously "wrong", it is 4+ weeks wait for an appointment, and then you're usually advised to take paracetamol and see if the situation resolves itself. Would your GP see you if you just say "life is not fun anymore" - and would they actually do anyting?

I wouldn’t recommend shoplifting, but between being absolutely firm about staying single, and not liking holidays (which is quite unusual?) it maybe sounds like you’re possibly avoiding some situations which might take you out of your comfort zone, but also might shake things up a bit and make life more interesting? I’m absolutely not a believer that everyone needs to be in a relationship, but might a bit of light dating for fun and not looking for anything serious be worth thinking about? How come you don’t like holidays? I think in the lists of advice commonly given to avoid depression ‘doing something new’ seems to have made less wide social impact than eating right, getting exercise which a lot of people know are important - but imo doing new things is also an important one to keep life interesting, even if it’s just walking new routes to work or to shops etc.