To ask if you’ve also lost your lust for life and how to either get it back or just accept it…?

[Seekingadvice1980]

I cannot figure out what’s happened to me lately and I think I’m looking for people who’ve had similar experiences and how they have dealt with it.

I’m 45, single (very much by choice) and live in a nice house in a nice town. I don’t think I’m menopausal yet as that’s probably relevant. I live a comfortable life with good friends and I mostly enjoy my very sociable job in a hospital.

It’s difficult to put my finger on it exactly but over the last few years I seem to have lost a certain ‘joie de vivre’ about - well most things really. I’m not especially unhappy or depressed, (I know what both of these states feel like) I just feel utterly indifferent/apethetic about nearly everything and I don’t know why. Or even if it’s a problem. I didn’t use to feel like this at all, I used to get excited about things, thoroughly enjoy things, look forward to things, see value in doing things….. and now, I barely truly ‘enjoy’ anything that much. I don’t even cry anymore or feel miserable as that would be too extreme of a feeling. I feel so in the middle. Is this what ‘contentment’ feels like? Maybe I’m just ‘content’?

I spend my days off work sitting down as much as possible and doing as little as possible. I get everything done, I’m even glad of housework as it’s functional and gives me a bit of purpose in the moment… I go and meet friends and do the usual ‘life stuff’ but I don’t particularly enjoy it and I often feel myself craving just to be on my own doing nothing.
I have a few hobbies like going to choir and some other social groups which I ‘quite’ like, but even those things which I ‘like’ doing the most, I get home and feel a bit ‘meh’ about what’s just happened. My friends would be astonished that I feel like this as I’m outwardly quite sociable and people find me funny and good company. (I get told this a fair bit)

I’m trying to think of things that have recently brought me true genuine joy. - When my cat gives me a really good cuddle. When we sang our choir concert at Easter. When I have a really deep, rich connecting conversation with a friend. When utterly bonkers and weird things happen at work and I feel ‘in the moment’ and ‘alive’.

My questions are: is this just what ‘happens’ to you as you reach mid-life? Should I just accept its my default state now?
Or does it get better at some point naturally and I’m just in some sort of a temporary funk? Should I take more vitamins or something? Antidepressants? Even though I’m not ‘depressed’? I worry they would numb me out further.
Should I do anything to make it better? Could I? I don’t know what else I can do really as I am social, eat well, don’t drink, don’t smoke, have a decent job, live in a nice house in a nice town….Most of the things people normally ‘recommend’ having to improve life…
I’ve had therapy. I don’t like holidays. I have hobbies.

This isn’t even a ‘moany’ post, it’s a ‘anyone else like this?’ Post.

I struggled with lockdown, then got into the way of staying quietly at home not doing much

Now, I find I'm less enthusiastic about going out, but always enjoy it when I di make the effort

My theory is that my brain had to quickly adjust to "staying at home is good" but will take time to get back to "going out is better"

Disclaimer = by nature, I am an extrovert. I do realise it's totally different (and equally valid) to be introverted

That’s so interesting, I’m very straight laced but sometimes I’ll do something very risky and it really makes me feel good.

The older I’m getting the more risky things I feel like doing.

OP, you have described exactly how I feel. Even heading off on holiday abroad, I just had a feeling of low level satisfaction rather than excitement. I don’t know why as I fully acknowledge how lucky I am.

I am busy with work and kids etc, but no more so than years gone by. However, my motivation and zest to get things done had waned.

can you just ask your GP for routine bloods to check your hormone levels? I should maybe do that.

I’ve struggled with this for years, and I’m post menopausal now, not on HRT. I feel like in my life I’ve been to that many - days out, exhibitions, theatres, lunches, cinema trips, restaurant dinners - that there’s literally nothing new left to do.

I’m going to a gig this weekend that my friends are looking forward to but I couldn’t care less. I’m only going because I feel I should get out and not succumb to the lure of the sofa and TV again.

I’m not depressed, just find it hard to feel anything.

I agree that the state of the world doesn’t help, plus I think I’m still stuck in lockdown mode, when it was ok to stay at home sitting on your arse all day.

I felt very much like this at the age you are now. Not happy or unhappy, just...nothing. I remember once being at a BBQ and watching other people enjoying themselves and thinking how can this be making you all so happy? I'd talk to colleagues about their weekends and genuinely couldnt understand how they'd got pleasure from their meal out/bike ride/trip to Paris.
The good news was it gradually lessened and now early I'm 50s, I'm almost the opposite, Childishly happy about little pleasures. I'm assuming it was hormonal.

I can relate to this. I'm 44. 2 years ago I got a mirena coil and the start of it seems to coincide with that. Don't think I'm in peri yet as still having regular periods despite the coil.

Speak to your GP and have a round of bloods done. You could be lacking in vit D or B12 which can make you feel that way. You may also be perimenopausal which sounds like your symptoms.
I felt the same until recently and started in a couple of HRT and feel like myself again x good luck!

Yes, feel exactly the same, sometimes I come back, I get a little spark of enthusiasm, but it’s so rare compared to before.
I’m 45 also, I have a 5 year old.
periods go for months, then arrive heavily or barely there etc.
I was great before covid, so it’s only been a few years since around 42 I had a few dips, but since autumn it’s been really quite bad sometimes. There’s times when I can barely speak or be bothered speaking to Dh, it’s not his fault, but I just have nothing to talk about or literally have no interest in what he’s saying, it’s an awful way to feel
I also meet up with friends and have play dates with Dd, it’s nice, but it’s just going through the motions

I think at 45 you will almost be peri-menopausal so it might be that.

But that apart it just sounds like you are stuck in a rut and a bit bored. So it’s probably time to shake things up a bit (even if you feel you can’t be arsed.)

It might take a while to find what you need so making changes might well feel alarming / hard work / pointless, but eventually it will lead you somewhere.

Sounds like boredom to me. Is your life very routine?

I've been wondering this exact same thing. It feels to me like there's not much to live for, which is ridiculous. It's not logical, I just don't have the energy to live life.

There's apparently a tribe where they all voluntarily take their lives at 35, thinking "that's me done", and I am feeling a bit like that about 45.

It's the age where I started to feel like I was always in pain with joints, muscles, bones always aching. It sounds young to me, but it feels old. 😬

YANBU. I’m 37 and I feel like this. I have a 4 year old, but don’t think it’s usual mum-of-a-small-child tiredness.

It’s not depression in my case; I had PND and it was treated well with sertraline and therapy- it doesn’t feel like it did when I was depressed. It’s more like “meh”, nothing matters, we all die anyway. It’s as though I’m looking at life through a pane of glass. There’s no oomph or enthusiasm.

For me it’s probably made worse by WFH all the time, but if I had to go in to the office it would mean a commute to London from the shires, which knackers me out and eats in to my time with DS. It’s like I’m observing, but not joining in. I think essentially cutting myself off from mainstream culture hasn’t helped either. I don’t watch much live TV anymore, and I’m not at the theatre or on nights out or anything like I used to be pre-DS and pre-Covid. I just don’t feel that “alive”. I need to change something.

I might be off the mark but you sound bored to me from your post. I’d consider a big change - new course or hobby or challenge? Also id treat myself to a makeover and book something lovely to look forward to whatever that might be for you. It’s no bad thing to be comfortable in life either - it’s a positive really and you should feel some sense of achievement at that! Xx

I’m 38 and I’ve pretty much felt like this since the first lockdown.
We used to be out every weekend, and since spending the best part of 6months at home, I’ve lost all excitement about days out and am quite content to not leave the house all weekend.
hobbies and projects just don’t have the same enjoyment they once did.
I feel like I am slowly coming out of it so hope it’s just a massive readjustment back to normality

This sounds like perimenopause to me. I started HRT and have slowly got some colour back.

I'm the same. I'm 48 - not unhappy. I'm actually pretty content but I do feel flat. I used to feel so passionately about things, feel such excitement about life. Not any more!
I really do believe it's the perimenopause and plummeting oestrogen levels. I've heard so many women in their 40s say the same.

I think you need a challenge. Do all the Alton towers rides in one day without being sick?

I can totally relate (47) but I have got a little spark back as going on a trip to the US without my family to see some friends. It's the first time I've felt properly excited about something in a long while. Maybe we just need to get something properly out of the ordinary into our lives now and then. Work, house, family we've been doing it a long time at this point and still a way to go until we can retire (unless financially fortunate).

I am SO glad I wrote this post! You folks have given some such helpful and thought provoking replies thank you.
So much resonates, I think it may well be a peri thing, that makes so much sense. I will contact my GP this week.
I also think I’m a bit too ‘comfortable’ in my life. I’ve always suspected that and so it’s no wonder I’ve ended up a bit floating in the middle of things.
Someone asked about my job, it’s in A&E so I do have a pretty skewed view of the world in some ways. I see death and violence as normal as it is normal in my work. It’s not okay but it is a ‘normal’ every day event. However I do like my job and it’s the thing that gives my week shape and me money of course.
Ill come back later after I’ve re-read the replies properly as just getting ready for work but you’ve put so many ideas and new ways to look at things in my head for which I’m absurdly grateful for so thank you again everyone. Xx

I could have written this post! Currently watching other people with hobbies and wondering why things bring them joy - I’d love to have a passion for something but apparently that’s not a thing for me.

Thought it was peri - just went on HRT and am in the bedding in stage so can’t tell you it helps yet. I’m basically nearly asleep all the time so no joy here - I’m told this bit wears off after a couple of months!

So no advice but lots of solidarity OP!

OP, it's nice to see your latest post. I hope you find some resolution to what you're feeling.

Thanks to op and you all on this thread I too am making a gp appointment today for some HRT. Here’s to getting some magic back

I’ve had a proper read now, so many mid-forties women on here feeling the same. This points pretty strongly to perimenopause as a cause which I’m really hoping is the case as then it’s potentially fixable and temporary.
It doesn’t feel like external factors have much of a part to play as like I said, I’ve an interesting job, varied hobbies and good friendships which feels like the right balance and important for good mental health usually.
I’ll definitely get my hormone levels checked, seems like a good place to start. And order that book too. That looks fascinating! Definitely not going to shop lift though 😂
thank you again everyone xxx

I am feeling this strongly. Just flat.

I did attribute it to boredom and rut, tried to shake it up by going to fun holiday with girls and without kids, etc. Also lots of people around me are having really hard time. I'm supposed to feel more thankful that everything in my life is perfect, but only adds to overwhelming sense of nihilism.

Well paid career but not really going anywhere and WFH most of the time without socializing. I strongly believe it's the 'life is too comfortable and stagnating' element for me. This is the area I know I will need to tackle, but 'passion' just isn't there for anything else.

Hope you find some answers soon.

From what you say makes you feel good, I would say you are feeling a lack of deeper connection/ relationship with others and a lack of deeper meaning and purpose.