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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel really down about this holiday situation and H?

53 replies

user46790 · 05/06/2023 22:21

Me and DH have been together for 7 years.

Between us there are 3 children (we share one child and he has two older).

At the beginning of our relationship we went on a couple of holidays and really enjoyed them despite him saying he's not a big holiday person.

At the time we didn't go with elder DC as it was too costly in school holidays and so we went as a couple before our child was born on a few shorter breaks outside of contact time.

However, in the last 5 years or so DH just seems to be vehemently against any form of holiday and it's really getting me down. Money is not so much of an issue now as it was then and so I've been wanting to take our first family holiday for a while however he refuses. Any time I mention it he sulks and tells me to "just book it then" (with a face like a slapped arse as if I'm asking him to chew wasps for a week).

We have never taken all of the DC abroad. Ever. He's never been on a holiday with any of his children (and they have questioned this before). I have taken out shared child by myself when I felt I couldn't wait any longer to go and DSCs mum has taken them before.

This is part of a reoccurring theme with DH where I feel like he can be very selfish about things he doesn't particularly love the idea of. It doesn't seem to matter to him at all that his family would enjoy it, it doesn't fill him with enthusiasm so he'll make everyone feel like shit for suggesting it to the point you feel you can't do it because he won't just be able to put on a smile and get on with it for the sake of his family.

I appreciate this sounds like a first world problem and it's probably not the biggest deal in the world but I just think for godsake, I'm asking for one holiday. One. As a family, one that all the children would be absolutely ecstatic to go on. I'm not asking for yearly 2 week beach resorts, just 5 nights somewhere with our children. For him to just do something that we would all love to do.

AIBU for being really sad and actually quite pissed off that he won't just do this (Without moaning / sulking) just because his family would like to even if he doesn't particularly?

I've reached the point where I will just refuse now to allow my child not to experience these things and just take them by myself but it makes me sad that we have to act separate like that and the children can't just experience a holiday all together that they'd love because their father is too selfish to put himself out and do something he isn't keen on.

OP posts:
user46790 · 05/06/2023 22:23

Oh and to add I've even said I'll pay for the whole thing if it's because he doesn't want to spend money doing something he doesn't like the idea of!

OP posts:
Alittlesummeroasis · 05/06/2023 22:24

He sounds like an arse. Not sure what you can do other than go without him, or go altogether and try to ignore his sulky attitude.

user46790 · 05/06/2023 22:27

Alittlesummeroasis · 05/06/2023 22:24

He sounds like an arse. Not sure what you can do other than go without him, or go altogether and try to ignore his sulky attitude.

I can and will just go by myself with our child, it just makes me sad that this means the siblings will never get to have a holiday together as a family. It feels so separate but I can't reasonably take all 3 of them alone either.

I see my friends going on holidays with their family and I feel so jealous. To the point I honestly feel like leaving him sometimes because of this (and situations like it).

OP posts:
ChatWTF · 05/06/2023 22:28

That’s not very nice behaviour. If he simply just doesn’t enjoy travel and new experiences, he should at least acknowledge that other people do without ‘wasps arse face’. Is there a reason he doesn’t, aside from money - anxiety, or just is a home bird?

Personally I’d start planning to do things on your own with the DC. Expensive holidays aren’t essential but trips of whatever form build great memories and experience.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/06/2023 22:29

Yanbu. People should compromise in a healthy and equal relationship or if they can't, then make their hard boundaries clear from the outset I.e. tell you before having kids that he will never ever go on a family holiday. I'm always telling my kids that sometimes we do things that we arent that keen on, for the benefit of others and it works both ways. So they get a day at a theme park on holiday but have to come a nice long walk one day to get some balance and do things that we want to do. It sounds like your husband doesnt think like this. I'd go without him but refuse to compromise in the future when it's something that he is keen to do, eg buy something for the house that's not your favourite but you could otherwise put up with, go to a restaurant that you're not too fussed about etc

thenightsky · 05/06/2023 22:32

YANBU. I've been married to one of these for over 40 years. I used to take the DC on my own, or just book it and drag him along, moaning. He hated airports, always got poorly etc, but was fine when we got there.

These days, I just go with female friends. Fuck him.

CLEO42 · 05/06/2023 22:32

Take him at face-value and just book somewhere for you all.

GwinCoch · 05/06/2023 22:35

Do you have a good friend who could accompany you so that you could take all the kids together? I wouldn’t waste time trying to bring him around, just find another way to make the holiday happen. Empiricism is a good way for people to learn what they do/don’t want. At the least, book something for you and your DC, he has said he has no issues with that, so grasp the nettle.

Seas164 · 05/06/2023 22:35

Charmer. Can you get together with another mum and go on a mums and kids hol?

ChatWTF · 05/06/2023 22:37

What do you do for fun together OP? I mean do you do days out like a nice walk and picnic?

Just reflecting what I said I would book for myself but would also be v annoyed and frustrated if I thought it would always be that way - unless we had nice days out/fun times together in other ways.

NBLarsen · 05/06/2023 22:38

Asking the obvious question, what is it he doesn't like about holidays? The travel? The heat? The food? The different time zone? What is it?
There are so many different ways to holiday, surely whatever it is that he doesn't like can be worked around.

Tinkerbyebye · 05/06/2023 22:39

This maybe radical but could you and your dh’s ex take all three on holiday together? Maybe not abroad but somewhere in this country by the beach?

Codlingmoths · 05/06/2023 22:40

Are there things you do because he likes them that you don’t like? Stop doing those things.

Kerning · 05/06/2023 22:46

What is it with these sulky men? He sounds like a drag. Half of parenting is doing shit you don't want to do for the sake of the kids. Who doesn't like going on holiday though? You said it's a recurring theme, does he make an effort to do anything?

mycatsanutter · 05/06/2023 22:51

What's he like the rest of the time ? Does he have enthusiasm for days out at the weekends ?

Therewere5inthebed · 07/06/2023 11:50

Does he compromise in other areas of the relationship or do you find yourself not doing things that you’d like because it’s easier than upsetting the apple cart?

WaltzingWaters · 07/06/2023 11:58

What a misery guts. So sad he can’t see what it would mean to his whole family.
Are there any hobbies/interests he has which you could try to incorporate into the holiday? Not that you should have to. A fun time away watching his kids have fun, spending time together as a family should absolutely be enough!

PollyPut · 07/06/2023 12:07

What is it that he doesn't like? sun? swimming? sightseeing? art galleries? (doubt you'd do much of that with 3 DC anyway).

Holidays really vary in options so if you can work out what he doesn't (or does) like, then you can start to find a sort he will get more excited about

CreamTeaThievery · 07/06/2023 12:23

Tinkerbyebye · 05/06/2023 22:39

This maybe radical but could you and your dh’s ex take all three on holiday together? Maybe not abroad but somewhere in this country by the beach?

This is what I was going to suggest.

kingtamponthefurred · 07/06/2023 12:33

Go on holiday without him, take the kids and maybe use some of the downtime to think about your relationship and whether you want to stay in it long term. Is this a man you want to grow old with? What will your retirement look like?

Nordicrain · 07/06/2023 12:35

I'd ignore his moods and sulky faces and just book it if that's what you fancy - either just for your and youd dc or for all of you. Whatever you prefer. If he ruins the holiday being moody about it that's another conversation, but for now I'd just call his bluff and go for it.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 07/06/2023 12:38

How much parenting does he normally do?

Quitelikeit · 07/06/2023 12:42

He told you to book it so just book it!

Book a nice family hotel with clubs and water slides! The kids will relax and have fun and he can do the same!

Tell him you’ll keep it a surprise until departure day

Gettingbysomehow · 07/06/2023 12:44

This is the problem with divorced men, you always wonder why they got divorced. And generally don't find out until you are up to your ears in it.

Brefugee · 07/06/2023 12:45

would you want to take the SDCs and your DC on holiday without him? even just a weekend away?

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