To feel really down about this holiday situation and H?

[user46790]

Me and DH have been together for 7 years.

Between us there are 3 children (we share one child and he has two older).

At the beginning of our relationship we went on a couple of holidays and really enjoyed them despite him saying he's not a big holiday person.

At the time we didn't go with elder DC as it was too costly in school holidays and so we went as a couple before our child was born on a few shorter breaks outside of contact time.

However, in the last 5 years or so DH just seems to be vehemently against any form of holiday and it's really getting me down. Money is not so much of an issue now as it was then and so I've been wanting to take our first family holiday for a while however he refuses. Any time I mention it he sulks and tells me to "just book it then" (with a face like a slapped arse as if I'm asking him to chew wasps for a week).

We have never taken all of the DC abroad. Ever. He's never been on a holiday with any of his children (and they have questioned this before). I have taken out shared child by myself when I felt I couldn't wait any longer to go and DSCs mum has taken them before.

This is part of a reoccurring theme with DH where I feel like he can be very selfish about things he doesn't particularly love the idea of. It doesn't seem to matter to him at all that his family would enjoy it, it doesn't fill him with enthusiasm so he'll make everyone feel like shit for suggesting it to the point you feel you can't do it because he won't just be able to put on a smile and get on with it for the sake of his family.

I appreciate this sounds like a first world problem and it's probably not the biggest deal in the world but I just think for godsake, I'm asking for one holiday. One. As a family, one that all the children would be absolutely ecstatic to go on. I'm not asking for yearly 2 week beach resorts, just 5 nights somewhere with our children. For him to just do something that we would all love to do.

AIBU for being really sad and actually quite pissed off that he won't just do this (Without moaning / sulking) just because his family would like to even if he doesn't particularly?

I've reached the point where I will just refuse now to allow my child not to experience these things and just take them by myself but it makes me sad that we have to act separate like that and the children can't just experience a holiday all together that they'd love because their father is too selfish to put himself out and do something he isn't keen on.

I would just take the kids without him. At least it’s cheaper and everyone is happy.

YANBU He sounds like a right drag. My DH grew up in a family that never went on holiday, despite being very financially comfortable. Apparently, FIL travelled plenty for business purposes so didn't see the need to travel for pleasure. So no memories, photos, 'bonding' experiences (sorry, hate that word).

Without knowing what it is that puts your DH off about going on holiday, it's difficult to know what might work.
My DH and I like very different types of holidays, so we incorporate both. We are just back from Kos - DH and DS spent most of the days visiting historical sites, and loved it. I can't think of anything worse than trailing round ruins for hours in the heat.
DD loves being by the pool, taking part in the organised activities, while I'm happy sitting reading my book. DH and DS would be bored out their minds.
We meet up late afternoon, have a drink together, and plan where we're going to eat in the evening, and what we're doing the following day. Everyone is happy.

Would your DH consider an arrangement like this?

This was my first thought too - i see a couple of others have suggested it. It is such a shame the siblings can't go away together. Either ask exW or ask her if you can take all three together.

I couldn't be with someone like that, a positivity vampire. Book a holiday for yourself and kids, ignore his attitude, go and have a great time.

'Dh, for 7 years, we've not had a family holiday because you sulk/spoil the idea. So you e had it your way for 7 years. So for 10 days I want a holiday. I know you'll agree that's fair. So to make it easier on you I'm asking for your input. Would you prefer hotel or sc. would you prefer this area or this one. If you don't get involved I'll choose. However you'll have to come and be there with a smile!'

Yes totally agree. He sounds like one of those men who won’t do anything they don’t personally like.
Do you end up doing everything he wants in other areas of your life op?

I think in a evenly matched relationship if one didn't want to do something the other one did, they'd try and find a way to facilitate it or make it work. Not sulk and have a face like a slapped arse. Does he do this about other things too?

Just book something for the five of you, that won't depend on two adults for success e.g. something where you are doing a lot of driving. You go, all five, or if he decides he doesn't want to, you go, the four of you. You do not miss out on a holiday with the children because he's weird about it.

I don't know if it's a relevant example, but my first husband was like this - hated forward planning, always throwing up reasons not to go on holiday somewhere. In the end I got round it by saying, 'Oi, DH, I'm online booking the flights right this minute. They're asking me how many passengers, what should I say?' Invariably, he'd not want to miss out, and would join in. Would that work?

Do you have any inkling why he's like this? Is he terrified of flying? Very mean with money?

I'd happily take 3 on holiday in this country, in fact did so many times with mine when DH couldn't/wouldn't take time off. We had many a happy holiday where kids were occupied and I could just sit with a book. There are so many lodge parks these days that have pools/play areas so kids aren't bored.

I'm not sure I'd be so confident abroad, but could you ask another family member or friend to double up with you.

This is what I would do

My dh started doing this weirdly -we used to go away most years maybe every other then all of a sudden he didnt want togo anymore-we dont have dc which is easier i just go with my friends/family now

it is sad that the sc wont have a fun holiday with him can you take them and just pretend hes working or something

So he told you he wasn’t a holiday person, and now years on after having a child you’re annoyed that he isn’t excited about a holiday? 🤔

just book it if you want to go

My H can be a bit like this, and to be fair I think I used to view family holidays with rose tinted glasses they were bloody hard work! He has improved a bit after a couple of disasters where he would just sit there sullenly and look at his phone. He hates being away from home and trying to find places to eat, he's not great at compromise if it's something he doesn't like. It used to get me down but I wonder if I put too much pressure on us all to have a good time.

We compromise now on short breaks and stay somewhere nice so teenage DC have somewhere to chill if they're not into the activities that day. I have taken them away myself though on UK breaks. A lot easier and we've had fun.

I can't stand just lolling about by a pool and no activities so I always book somewhere with a range of things to do so everyone is happy. Family holidays can be fun but can also be stressful and hard work

I would just book it to go without him

Is he scared of flying?

Lots of people saying OP should book for her and all 3 children.....would any of you let your children go on holiday with their fathers wife without their father?

Sounds pretty weird to me....

OP, its not even about holidays, your focus is all wrong. He doesn't care that you want a holiday. He doesn't care what you want at all, he cares only about himself. That's where your focus should be.

Yes. Just as I'd let him go with grandparents, or an aunt/uncle, if I trusted them and he wanted to go.

That's really sad OP. Holidays memories are really important for children. I would be booking for myself and your dc. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking his dc abroad as it would be a big ask having parental responsibility if something happened, eg they needed hospital treatment. I was a single mum for years and took my dc on holiday every year. Quite easy with just one dc, and it was great bonding time.

Something that's helped me with similar issues is understanding the difference between assertiveness vs. passivity, aggressiveness and passive-aggressive behaviour. Your need (as with the majority of people) to have some sort of holiday is perfectly valid and you are ok to say that and stand by that need. It sounds like you've fallen into a pattern of accepting sacrifice for his needs and long term that's going to start to feel pretty rubbish.

God, I don’t think I could tolerate such a selfish man. I know men are raised to be a bit more selfish than women generally, but Jesus Christ, to deprive your own children of such a lovely experience is really pretty gross to me. Have you told him how selfish he’s being?

Is he this selfish and uncompromising on other areas of life too? He honestly sounds awful, what kind of man refuses to do something so simple and conventional for the sake of his wife and children?

Definitely don’t book to go with him. He will totally ruin it for you and the DC just to make his pathetic point.

He sounds a real misery guts. I wouldn’t want to go away with him anyway so just keep having your own lovely holidays.

Will he go on days out etc? Is it parenting in general he’s trying to avoid?

I’d just take the kids without him if I’m honest, I wouldn’t be waiting around for him. He sounds miserable I’d be living my life not waiting around for him.

Thanks. I don't know what it is that he doesn't like really. I think he worries about leaving work. And that it won't be relaxing with children. Fair enough it won't be but that's not really what it's about for me. It's the memories and the being together as a family outside of the mundane day to day. I still remember holidays I took with my parents when I was little now.

I wouldn't want to take all 3 DC by myself. Me and their mum get on okay when face to face but certainly not friendly enough to go away together. Really the only way for DSC to come would be if DH came.

I was just thinking this!