To think you're treated differently and negatively when infertile

Curseofthenation · 05/06/2023 21:25

My childhood best friend has infertility issues and has given up after years of grueling fertility treatments. I can't say that I don't feel bad for her as I know she was so desperate for children. I see that she has more going on in her life though.

The tricky thing for us is conversation. She used to be very open about her fertility journey but since I had my DS she has definitely emotionally closed herself off. I respect that she needs to protect her mental wellbeing and I hope one day that we can rebuild our friendship. In the meantime, I'm trying my best to just keep it ticking along.

Perhaps some friends and relatives will do the same? I'm not saying you've responded in the same way as my friend but I can see how some people with children that genuinely care about you and want you to be happy, may struggle. We're all human and it's hard to find new ways to relate to friends and family sometimes.

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 05/06/2023 21:26

@Curseofthenation thank you for posting and I agree I also think sometimes the infertile suffering can make it difficult - I admit I do too.

It's like a lose lose situation but it still has an impact on relationships which is so sad.

Not sure what the answer is

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Dacadactyl · 05/06/2023 21:31

I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are excluded and then in the next paragraph that people involve their families without thinking that it might be inappropriate?

I think people arent always sure how to act, so try not to take it personally. I'm sure they don't mean to upset you.

Gingerwright · 05/06/2023 21:38

I think that people don't know whether, for example, you want to hear their chat about their kids or not. And whether you want to be invited to events where everyone has kids except you etc. I think the best way to overcome it is for you to be really clear with your friends what you want. Literally "I might not always feel like joining in the events, but I always really appreciated the invitation". Or "I love hearing about your kids so please don't hold back because of my fertility issues." Or whatever your position is. Everyone will be happier knowing where they stand.

Hannahsbananas · 05/06/2023 21:41

People involve their families in many things without thinking how that might be inappropriate
What does this mean?

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 05/06/2023 22:45

Thank you all. I agree with you and think the issue is with me.

I think I need some counselling or some help to figure things out

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Chasingadvice · 05/06/2023 23:03

Usually infertile woman are treated with kid gloves where other peoples pregnancies must never be mentioned in front of them and only to be spoken about in whispers.

MorningPlatypus · 05/06/2023 23:17

Chasingadvice · 05/06/2023 23:03

Usually infertile woman are treated with kid gloves where other peoples pregnancies must never be mentioned in front of them and only to be spoken about in whispers.

That hasn't been my experience.

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 05/06/2023 23:22

@MorningPlatypus mine either way

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SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors · 06/06/2023 00:03

No one treats me with kid gloves, quite the opposite. If I had a £ for everyone who told me I was "lucky" to not have kids I could retire tomorrow.

MusicInAWord · 06/06/2023 00:09

I lost one friendship because the friend had infertility issues; when I got pregnant she was upset about how I have her the news, so I was cut out of her life. When a second friend had similar issues, I worried myself sick about every comment I made about my own DC incase I offended her too. So I'm sure I treated her differently, but not because I cared less about her or pitied her. I was just shit scared I'd mess it up again and hurt her.

CatherinedeBourgh · 06/06/2023 00:11

Not my experience. We openly told people for 15 years that we couldn't have dc, and they just went 'oh well' and carried on as they were.

Then we had dc and they went 'oh well' and carried on as before...

CC4712 · 06/06/2023 00:27

Like others OP- its not clear what you mean?

I never felt excluded, pitied or forgotten about by family!

I TTC 13yrs, lost 3 and multiple rounds of IVF. In the early days of marriage- I'd get asked if we were planning children, wanted them etc- but as the years went on, they asked less and less. I wasn't vocal at the time about fertility tests I was having, MC's and even close friends/family still don't know all the details.

If you are struggling OP- please do speak to someone ❤

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 20:33

I mean with everything and I'm actually not taking family more so friends.l and acquaintances.

Discussions about children dominate unless I'm out with work colleagues then work tends to be the coming ground.

It's it's so difficult to fit into society when you are surrounded by it.

I've booked onto a group anyway to help process things.

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DeflatedAgain · 06/06/2023 20:42

Chasingadvice · 05/06/2023 23:03

Usually infertile woman are treated with kid gloves where other peoples pregnancies must never be mentioned in front of them and only to be spoken about in whispers.

Yes I agree. When I was having fertility issues and reoccurring miscarriage, one of my friends was pregnant (very visibly) and everyone knew but me (hadn't seen anyone due to lockdown). We had a get together planned and they had all been speaking privately about how to tell me/make sure I sit the other end of the table so I'm not reminded of it constantly/what to do if I get upset. They meant well but I was actually over the moon for her and a little miffed at why they felt the need to shelter me so much 🤷🏻‍♀️

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 06/06/2023 20:55

People involve their families in many things without thinking how that might be inappropriate

And

Discussions about children dominate

These comments suggest people are not thinking about you, but you also mention in your OP that people tip toe around you, and treat you differently, which seems the opposite?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by things that are inappropriate to involve families in - do you mean like always bringing children along if you meet up during the day?

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 21:00

@RightWhereYouLeftMe yes that, always suggesting meets when it fits with their mat leave etc just little consideration for the fact you may want to do something adults do and almost if you can't comply there's no attempt to do things.

Not all are like this but many are

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TwoWaits · 06/06/2023 21:10

It's really tough OP, I used to hate hearing about people's pregnancies and babies. It's the last thing you want to hear about when you are going through infertility. And that didn't make me a bad person, I accepted that it was just exhausting to hear other people get what you so desperately want. I changed my circle and it helped me a lot. In my case, I was dealing with secondary infertility and everyone was onto their second child, I basically cut them out and started hanging out with older women (in their late forties) who were done with child rearing. It helped A LOT. I'm not saying to cut absolutely everyone out, I maintained a few very close friendships I've had for years even when they were pregnant AGAIN but I cut out the superficial friendships where you enjoy each other's company but it's just for fun and coffee etc. Is this something you could do?

Maddy70 · 06/06/2023 21:12

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I have friends with infertility iasues. I have to be perfectly honest I don't think about it at all which probably means I'm not as sensitive as I should be. But it's doesn't cross my mind.
I think you may be being a little paranoid and sensitive

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 06/06/2023 21:12

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 21:00

@RightWhereYouLeftMe yes that, always suggesting meets when it fits with their mat leave etc just little consideration for the fact you may want to do something adults do and almost if you can't comply there's no attempt to do things.

Not all are like this but many are

With older children (or even just toddlers) I can see how irritating that would be. But if they're on maternity leave they may not actually be able to leave the baby for that long if breastfeeding, or may not feel comfortable leaving them.

Overthebow · 06/06/2023 21:18

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 21:00

@RightWhereYouLeftMe yes that, always suggesting meets when it fits with their mat leave etc just little consideration for the fact you may want to do something adults do and almost if you can't comply there's no attempt to do things.

Not all are like this but many are

Surely though if they have babies/young kids they will need the activity to fit in with their kids though? We don’t have family around to babysit so the majority of activities we do with friends are kid friendly, apart from the rare occasion we get a babysitter. Our friends without kids are always happy to join in and meet up anyway.

Original poster

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 21:40

I don't want to do that though so where does it leave the friendship? I don't want to hang out with kids all the time I'm afraid

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Overthebow · 06/06/2023 21:56

We’ll then that’s your choice but you may have to decide to cool the friendship whilst they have young children that can’t be left, or wait until they are older.

Overthebow · 06/06/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t really say that’s their fault though or they’re doing it because of your infertility, just a life stage for them that they’re going through and will come out the other end eventually.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 06/06/2023 22:01

nCasdontwant · 06/06/2023 21:00

@RightWhereYouLeftMe yes that, always suggesting meets when it fits with their mat leave etc just little consideration for the fact you may want to do something adults do and almost if you can't comply there's no attempt to do things.

Not all are like this but many are

If they are on maternity leave then its pretty inevitable that there will be a baby around

And they will probably also talk about babies a lot too, the same way someone doing a degree will probably talk about uni, and someone renovating a house will probably talk about that. People talk a lot about big life events and having a baby is a pretty big event.

Also people naturally talk about their families, so again babies and children are family so they will be talked about its inevitable really.

Unfortunately if you dont accept that part of their life then you may struggle to maintain the friendship

I also dont have kids due to infertility but I actually really like being around children and babies and Im happy to talk about them. I understand it would be harder if thats not the case for you.