To think you're treated differently and negatively when infertile

[nCasdontwant]

NC for this as don't want linked,

Infertility It literally can derail your life in terms of relationships.

Maybe it's just my circles, maybe it's paranoia but friends seem to tip toe around you and not treat you the same if you haven't got children and everyone else has.

You're excluded or pitied often.

People involve their families in many things without thinking how that might be inappropriate (of course I'm not saying families should never be around but there's a balance as liens around 24/7 when you don't have them is no fun.

They seem to often forget you exist.

I don't even want kids that badly but only now am I coming to terms with mourning not just inability to have kids but also relationships as a result of it.

Unfortunately you kind of have to wait it out until the kids are old enough to be left by themselves/are in clubs/dont want to hang out with their mums friends

If your friends all have pretty young kids you will probably find in a few years time even if the kids are there they are buried in their own activities and dont want to interact much

In the meantime you either wait it out or find other friendship groups. Maybe join some clubs so that you socialise with people who are specifically not there with children?

You are totally okay to ask for the odd childfree meet up but you need to be realistic about their availability until the children are older unfortunaely

I’m confused by your posts. It sounds like you actually want people to treat you differently because of your fertility issues. You want them to meet you without their babies and children because you find it difficult.

They’re carrying on as normal and including you in their lives and their families and you’re declining and feeling upset and resentful because of this.

You’re asking a lot of women on maternity leave (with young babies) to ditch their babies to meet up with you. What you’re asking is for them to make an exception for you and do something they might not do for someone else in a different situation.

If I’m wrong maybe I’ve missed something.

TBH in most work/ social contexts I don’t really know whether women have kids or not so it’s not something which I can say I’ve seen. Close friends I hope I’ve been sensitive but it’s a difficult balance.

On the other hand I think you’re being (probably unintentionally) U about people on mat leave needing to meet around their kids. In many cases it is very difficult to leave a small (less than 6 months) baby- if you’re breastfeeding almost impossible unless you have the most chilled baby ever (I didn’t leave my DC for more than 2 hours when they were less than 6 months, mainly because I knew that every second after 2 hours would be inconsolable screaming). What do you do about the friendship? I think if you value the friend whilst the baby is tiny you have to meet on the mum’s terms, but then once the baby is older start trying to meet elsewhere and more on your terms. It’s really difficult to have a friend who keeps suggesting utterly impossible ideas and then gets in a huff when you say it’s impossible!

I mean if people are talking about their lives then family/kids are a big part of that. I have a small child, I don’t have a babysitter so either Dh or I are caring for her. I do meet up with friends without her and tend to bow out if I would have to bring her along but for some people it’s not possible really.

I’m not sure you can maintain friendships if what you need is to not hear about or see kids.

It's not even that is hugely difficult I just don't enjoy it

Also I have not really got friendships due to it this is part of what fuelled the post

I also don't agree that because something is huge it should takeover conversation.

I have a career that takes up every minute of my day and it's really exciting but I don't go on about it - in fact I never mention it out of fear of making others feel bad. Maybe I should start to as it consumes so much of my life and times

Honestly if you don't talk about work and you don't want them to talk about their families what do you talk about?

If these are mothers with babies on maternity leave their whole life revolves around the baby. They may be up throughout the night feeding and settling them, and during the day whilst they are exhaused they are still feeding and settling them and attempting to look like a normal human being.

I think it's expecting far to much for them to also provide scintillating conversation on current events, or TV shows or hobbies.

Their baby literally is their life particually at the start of maternity leave. Obviously are some women for whom that might not be true but I tend to work on the assumption that time with mothers on maternity leave is a bonus given how tired they are and talking about their new baby is totally to be expected

As the baby grows and becomes less depend on its mother then you will start to notice a gradual change.

You are by no means obligated to stick around but I personally would have been very sad to lose my friends when really all I needed to do was be patient through the early years.

It would probably be good to seek out new friends who were less baby focussed though because I understand its hard if everyone around you is having kids at the same time and so there can be a few years in a friendship group where it feels 100% babies. Having friends with either no children or older children during that time can be helpful to get a balance.

Finding new friends has not worked out for me.

So I just work more to be honest and keep myself to myself.

Work is the only thing I can depend on. It's the only thing giving me satisfaction and purpose and it's there I can depend on it.

I feel like I've lost the ability to depend on anyone anymore to be honest and I'm quite socially withdrawn - partly because of everything I've mentioned on the thread.

Not sure what to do

I recommend Alice Rose. She does coaching for people with Fertility issues. She's got a group called The Life Raft