DP is completely incompetent

[Tandora]

I feel like I can’t manage anymore. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders- the kids, the house, the finances, work. My partner is lovely and loving but hopeless. he can barely hold himself together and get his work done , let alone contribute anything to broader family life. To be fair, he will clean/ tidy and do laundry. He never cooks. He will shop if I instruct him on exactly what to buy. The mental and administrative load is exhausting. Sometimes I try to “delegate” a task- eg can you call a plumber, will you take responsibility to book this appointment etc. I always have to end up reminding him several times, he takes ages to do anything, he has to ask me several times what to say, and then he always fucks it up- (eg books a time we obviously can’t make, hires someone completely incompetent, fails to communicate properly so the job gets messed up). I hate feeling like I have been put in the position of “project manager”. Then it’s the constant shouting about how busy he is and he doesn’t have time for this, and about how I’m always nagging him and complaining about how he goes about things. I just can’t cope anymore - It makes me want to scream.
it always ends up being so much quicker for me to do everything myself , but then I just feel so angry and resentful that he can’t even carry out a simple task , and I feel so unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities. Any advice?

Has your dp always been incompetent or did it start with living together or dc arriving?

I think anything big financially then take control.
However shopping, cooking etc just leave him to it.
Tell him to go to the supermarket and whatever he buys then he can cook with it.
Do this until he realises you will not bail him out.
The dc will be fine.

Has he any diagnoses? Sounds potentially ADHD-ish from what you've described.

He sounds like a lazy arse. It's called learned helplessness and it works. He is useless and you pick up all the slack.

He's NOT a man, he's a child.

Do you want to be involved with a child?

Just move on, someone with a weird Mothering fetish will look after him once you're gone.

What does he do for work??

I bet he's competent there!

It's weaponised incompetence

I'm with @Polari. Rather than trying to micromanage him and getting frustrated, ask him to do a task and then genuinely leave him to it.

For example it's his turn to change the bin. Once you've agreed that, do NOT, whatever you do, fold and change the bin yourself. Leave it for him to change, even if it's piled up, overflowing and stinking. Just hold your nerve until it finally gets irriatting enough for him to change it. He won't make the same mistake again.

Likewise, with dinner. Pick an evening when your kids are out / with grandparents / having tea elsewhere for this one. Agree with your husband that he's going to shop and cook dinner. Then just let him get on with it. If he comes back without food, or he goes hungry? Fine. Then dinner does not get made (make sure you eat a big lunch or have some secret snacks for yourself - no need to endure a rumbling tummy).

Or, say, cleaning the toilet. You need a strong stomach or nerve for this one. Once you've agreed that its his turn to clean the loo, do not, whatever you do, cave and clean it. Hold your nose and put up with it. He will clean it. Eventually. And it'll be such an unpleasant job that he won't let it slide for so long again.

Consequences. He'll change when he recognises that they exist. But at the moment, you just keep bailing him out, and he gets to keep playing the martyr.

I have ADHD and am a single mum with complex health conditions and I still manage to make sure Dd has everything, run the whole house, life admin, work and attend medical appointments. Men are always let off so easily with this stuff.

He CAN do it op, he just can’t be fucked and know you’ll pick up the slack. I bet anything he’s fine at work and manages there ok.

I would think this too.

if he’s a lazy arse you would be able to tell with the attitude that comes with it. If he seems willing but just a bit shite I think it’s not lack of effort

You're wrestling with the modern sharp end of the gender war. He thinks all he has to do is ho to work and the rest is up to you.

I'd take the advice above. Do the money tasks and ask him to do other stuff.

Doesn't help with the mindshare aspect of it.

Do you still fancy him??

I can't imagine how you forced yourself to procreate with such a waste of space. Incompetence is as unattractive as stupidity and I can't tolerate either trait. Just dump him already and he can go off and be useless on his own without it bothering you.

This. I have ADHD and am a single parent - yes, sometimes my house is disorganised, but I am capable of running a household/medical appointments/bills with little effort.

What you are describing OP is learned helplessness - check out Bridging The Gap on FB. These are men who either are incompetent because they can't do them (cooking, washing) or be bothered and see it as a woman's responsibility, or weaponised incompetence when they can very well do all the tasks themselves and choose to let you do them instead.

First thing I'd do is probably bin him off tbh

This. Such a good ploy, my ex h was an expert.
As a pp said, tell him to do the shopping and he cooks meals for the family with whatever he buys.
Or give him the cleaning to do on a Saturday, all of it, and go out with dc for the day.

As someone with physical health issues, crippling anxiety and who likely has ASD and ADHD and manages to work, parent healthy happy kids , run a home and (mostly) keep appointments and manage tradesmen and the like… I would suggest that you’re allowing this uselessness to perpetuate. It’s easier to let things go and do it ourselves sometimes but then you create the monster that is an adult who can’t ‘adult’. So put your foot down, get a chalkboard and explicitly list the tasks needed to be done and nag until you form the habit of him looking, doing and completing each task. I assure you that while some of us need aides like lists and alarms to function we can, when required to, actually do it.

Did you write his CV? Did you go to job interviews with him holding his hand and passing cards with what he needed to say?

Do you have to manage him like a toddler for him to get ready and to work in the morning?

In the likely event all the above are a no, and he's a normally functioning adult, he's just being a lazy arse and has no excuse whatsoever.

The attitude does seem to show, the OP mentions shouting, and "not having time for this" and so on.

That doesn't sound like willing, but can't do it, if he turns it on her.
The circle starts with him not contributing life admin/housework, then she says something to get him into motion, and then he gets angry and complains about being complained at.

Even if it's ADHD, then it would be time for a discussion about what he can do to deal with it, or getting help somewhere, and explaining to her that it overwhelms him, so a solution can be found, not just shouting and turning it on her.

But the examples of booking a time when they're out, booking incompetent handymen etc doesn't necessarily sound like ADHD. ADHD doesn't mean making lots of stupid decisions.

How did he manage before he lived with you? He must have struggled severely if he’s incapable of such tasks as shopping for food or hiring someone to do basic jobs.

Personally I couldn’t live with him. Plenty of people will suggest ADHD but to me it wouldn’t matter. If he has ADHD that’s untreated and is making no effort that would have the same impact on me as if he was just lazy or unwilling. I don’t want to be a full time carer for somebody. I want a partner who makes my life easier. Otherwise I’m happier alone.

I wouldn't be pandering to this.

I’m sure someone will be along with some load of bullshit excising his behaviour, including the shouting, but I could not put up with this. It would annihilate any feelings I once had.

This is very topical for me!

Particularly when kids come along it’s easier & quicker for one, usually the mum, to just do everything. But over time this becomes the norm and the mum becomes resentful (me for the past 5 years). My DH literally cannot finish anything or compete anything competently. Obviously that’s my opinion and to my standards. DH holds down a very senior role which he excels at and is highly regarded.

So why does he leave his shoes beside the shoe rack; the coffee cupboard door open; dirty cup on work-top above dishwasher; blah blah same shit different day. I’m NOT his mother!!!!!

Apparently I need to ‘coach’ him and not just tell him how/why to do things; explain and for him to develop an ‘emotional’ attachment of the consequences of him not doing…. eg “your shoes there are a potential trip hazard for DM, wouldn’t you feel awful if she fell and broke a hip….”. It’s kind of working.

But also he needs to feel the consequences of his incompetence. We’re just back from a fab weeks holiday where I completely off loaded the mental load: I didn’t chivvy us all to breakfast/pool/dinner, I simply sat and waited for a DC to be ready and then headed off while the rest followed; left DH to select, book and organise excursions. In fairness, I’ve had an amazingly relaxed week by taking this major step backwards, DH has coped although he’s been stressed and I have simply ignored his moaning. It’s been a good learning curve for the family.

He sounds useless; ltb

Chapter 9 of the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven may be of interest @Tandora

I dated a guy like this prior to meeting my husband. We dated for four years and lived together for two of those. He sounds very similar to your DP.

I remember once when we first moved into our home, we wanted to repaint the wall. He asked me to show him how to paint…as in how to pick up the brush, dip it in the actual paint and put it on the wall.

Any job he would take ages to do, wouldn’t do and often come back to me anyways. I would ask him to grab ketchup from the store on his way home from work and he would call while at the store for what brand/size of bottle and if I didn’t answer the phone, he wouldn’t get it and come home saying he couldn’t get it?!

I remember I got a wipeable board and split jobs up such as ‘take the bins out’ etc and started small and built it up etc. Maybe that will help?

You will soon learn if he’s lazy or struggling.

In my case it was laziness and I couldn’t cope with him, it was like having a child rather then a partner. I wish you all the best x

If this is ADHD then most men I know have undiagnosed ADHD.

I think this is a symptom of men being brought up expecting women to do everything while they sit around being waited on. It’s sadly extremely common.

Google weaponised incompetence - I'm sure he manages fine at work