DP is completely incompetent

[Tandora]

I feel like I can’t manage anymore. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders- the kids, the house, the finances, work. My partner is lovely and loving but hopeless. he can barely hold himself together and get his work done , let alone contribute anything to broader family life. To be fair, he will clean/ tidy and do laundry. He never cooks. He will shop if I instruct him on exactly what to buy. The mental and administrative load is exhausting. Sometimes I try to “delegate” a task- eg can you call a plumber, will you take responsibility to book this appointment etc. I always have to end up reminding him several times, he takes ages to do anything, he has to ask me several times what to say, and then he always fucks it up- (eg books a time we obviously can’t make, hires someone completely incompetent, fails to communicate properly so the job gets messed up). I hate feeling like I have been put in the position of “project manager”. Then it’s the constant shouting about how busy he is and he doesn’t have time for this, and about how I’m always nagging him and complaining about how he goes about things. I just can’t cope anymore - It makes me want to scream.
it always ends up being so much quicker for me to do everything myself , but then I just feel so angry and resentful that he can’t even carry out a simple task , and I feel so unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities. Any advice?

I'd pick tasks that directly impact him. Bins, he probably won't notice, but when he's fit no clean clothes or food to eat he might suddenly start being 'able' to do it.

As a pp said, tell him he's responsible for cleaning his own clothes, or cooking then don't remind him. Make dinner for you and the dc but not him.
He's responsible for mowing the lawn and insuring, mot and taxing his own car etc

Do you criticise the way he does things?

so often people get into the dynamic where the woman complains about the things the man tries to do, so he just gives up.

not saying it’s your fault btw- he sounds infuriating.

He cleans, tidies and does laundry. Why not make those things his job and do the rest? We play to our strengths and it’s a good way to run a relationship. My bloke never touches the laundry or cleans the kitchen or bathrooms. However he does all the cooking and I never touch the hoover. There’s no law that says both of you have to do everything.

Return manchild to his parents for retraining.

Your life will be much simpler and more efficient without him

"My partner is lovely and loving ..."

"... Then it’s the constant shouting about how busy he is and he doesn’t have time for this, and about how I’m always nagging him and complaining about how he goes about things."

Only one of the above statements can be true - lovely and loving men do not call their partners nags nor do they shout at their partners.

"Sometimes I try to “delegate” a task- eg can you call a plumber, will you take responsibility to book this appointment etc. I always have to end up reminding him several times, he takes ages to do anything, he has to ask me several times what to say, and then he always fucks it up- (eg books a time we obviously can’t make, hires someone completely incompetent, fails to communicate properly so the job gets messed up). ... it always ends up being so much quicker for me to do everything myself ..."

Sounds like Weaponised Incompetence to me. Where someone deliberately does such a bad job of a task that they don't get asked to do it again.

"he can barely hold himself together and get his work done , let alone contribute anything to broader family life."

More detail required on this, @Tandora. He holds down a job, so logically, he is competent at his job- as in he is able to complete the tasks of his job to his boss's specification. If he can do that, he should be able to participate in domestic duties too.

But on first reading, my advice would be to cut your losses and end the relationship. Feeling "unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities" is no way to live, and you're already feeling resentful. It won't be long before resentment kills any residual feelings of love (if it hasn't already) and the very sight of him makes your skin crawl. It will be easier to co-parent if he moves out before that stage is reached. ~You're already doing everything anyway, it will probably be easier without him because you won't be having to do over anything you trusted him with (that he then royally fucked up). No shouting, no excuses, no fucking up, just calm and peaceful without him - a much better environment for your children to be raised in.

Print off the recent study that shows living with a manchild affects women’s libido and give it to him. It was widely reported you will find loads of articles online. Tell him you don’t find having an extra dependent remotely attractive.

Someone upthread suggests leaving the bin so DH will do it eventually. I tried this. He didn't. We had maggots. At that point, I had to sort it out.

DH does not believe in emptying bins until you absolutely cannot cram anything more in them He says he would only put our general refuse bin out two or three times a year. He doesn't put the bins out. He 'forgets' every time.

Why are they like this?

My exh was exactly like this
I divorced him
It's weaponised incompetence

I would discuss dropping a day or 2 at work.
Explain to him that the extras you do equate to this. Then at least you are only doing a full week and not 7 days work

No. Even if her employer was agreeably, this would result in a reduced income and pension for OP. Making him the main earner would most likely end up with him feeling he shouldn't have to do any domestic chores, because he's bringing home the bacon, dontchaknow! And it may tie her to him financially, making it harder to extricate herself from this wholly unfulfilling relationship.

Women should never make themselves financially vulnerable, particularly when they're in a situation they want to change.

So why does he leave his shoes beside the shoe rack; the coffee cupboard door open; dirty cup on work-top above dishwasher; blah blah same shit different day. I’m NOT his mother!!!!!

Apparently I need to ‘coach’ him and not just tell him how/why to do things; explain and for him to develop an ‘emotional’ attachment of the consequences of him not doing…. eg “your shoes there are a potential trip hazard for DM, wouldn’t you feel awful if she fell and broke a hip….”. It’s kind of working.

I prefer my system: shoes on the floor instead of the rack go in a box along with the dirty cup, the discarded envelope from opened post, the random pocket detritus scattered everywhere, etc. Box gets dumped on DP’s desk at the end of the week. It only took doing this a couple of times for him to make more effort: pointing out the shoes he would clearly be thinking “it’s just shoes”. Seeing the volume and quantity of “it’s just this one thing” amassed together showed him the endless fucking labour he was causing me.

In terms of “how do I do this” I refuse to help. He’s a competent adult with a job, as am I. I wouldn’t ask him “how do I book a painter? Do I just ask for recommendations, or…? And I just ask him to paint the ceiling and walls, or…? What paint are we using that we’ve already discussed and agreed but I can’t be bothered to retain the information?” so I refuse to engage in him doing it. I just glare, and as if by magic it turns out he CAN do it!

I have ADHD myself. Yes I can be scatter-brained and get overwhelmed. But I don't leave the house in total filth. I have coping mechanisms e.g. setting reminders on my phone, having set times when I do things, keeping 'easy' food in for when I feel too overwhelmed to think about cooking.

It is rolled out as an 'excuse' too often. He just sounds lazy tbh.

My fella started huffing & puffing because I took a daytime nap yesterday. Said he had “things to do” (drinking beer, watching telly). I actually collapsed into bed after working Saturday, doing a 10k Mini Marathon yesterday (and work again today). He’s in bed right now, and would be very upset if I got the hump about it…

Do you always fix his fuck-ups? He needs to have the pain and inconvenience of getting it wrong to get it right next time. If he fucks up, it’s on him to un-fuck it. Do not EVER get involved in the solution.

He will never learn. Being stubborn wont help, he wont change. I would literally charge him for being his PA. He needs to contribute enough to pay for half the cleaning. He needs to pay for hello fresh and cook it or go without a home cooked meal. He needs to get cooking lessons for his birthday presents.

Ask him what he finds so hard about it. He is being an absolute cunt to either not be willing to learn and expecting you to do it or knowing he can do it and choosing not to and being nasty to you for daring to suggest he ought to do a fair share and call you a nag.

Failing that, I would book couples counselling and tell him he either shows up and engages or you're gone (some employers will pay for a few sessions of counselling).

I feel your pain. This is me. It is exhausting.

I'm not saying he is abusive but so many men are "lovely" until you realise what a fucking burden they are. They know they have to "pay" something to get a live in maid and being "nice" is cheaper than a paid professional. Remember, having a family is a status symbol for some men, it's not always what they are actually cut out for.

Make him do ALL the cleaning and laundry. He can also bath the kids and brush their teeth, put them to bed. Who currently does pick up / drop off, is it 50/50? Aim for that, then you do the rest (cooking, meal planning, all grocery and clothes shopping etc for the kids, anything that requires a brain/has potential creativity needed).

He can do all the repetivitive stuff that doesn't require mental effort or planning

Yup!

Just stating that he sounds like he has ADHD is bloody offensive. Many, many people live with ADHD and don't behave like utter twats in their personal life!!

He knows what needs doing, he's taking you for a mug and knows you'll do it if he behaves incompetently about it all! I tried for years getting a similarly behaving man-child to alter his ways and it ended in divorce. Raise your bar and make it clear to him and then leave if he can't grow up.

I completely agree. It's not ok to say "maybe he has learning difficulties" but so many people think it's ok to armchair diagnose something that so many people are affected by and work so hard at living with in a productive way.

It is so reductive to just say "Maybe its ADHD".

@ReachForTheMars can I just point out ADHD is not a learning difficulty? As someone with diagnosed adhd and a PHD - and, relative to this thread, the ability (mostly) to have brought up 2 kids in some kind of ordered way -that comment pissed me off.

Not in my world. The majority of my male friends and relatives are grown ups.

This is exactly what has happened to me. I posted about similar a year ago and am now finally getting ready to divorce him as the weaponised incompetence was just a sign of how little respect he has for me.

If he is capable of opening a few packets and switching on an oven (it's not that much different from switching on a TV and selecting the preferred station, after all), he can cook.

You might get some incredibly weird and frankly awful meals for a while, but assuming he likes to eat, there will be food without you needing to put any thought into it (we had the 'I'm not telling you what to buy because my psychic link with the Co-op that tells me what's there seems to have malfunctioned' conversation some years ago). The dishwasher also seems to magically fill itself (the arrangement is awful, but it's not me who has to handwash things afterwards - a few things did get handed straight back to him at first, but hey, it's a learning process) and operate, as does the washing machine and the vacuum/steam mop and other appliances.

Book your own/the children's appointments, don't even think about his - if that means he misses out on things, oh, well.

DP was trained to see himself as incompetent. He has his limitations, but I'm Not Your Bloody Mother or Sodding Ex Wife got through in the end.