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AIBU?

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Original poster

Obsessing over what he did before he met me

31 replies

turkeydinosaurs6 · 05/06/2023 10:49

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months.

A while ago, I went onto his Reddit on his phone to show him something, and in his searches was “XXX onlyfans”. I got upset and he said he never uses Reddit anymore, and he admitted he used to search for this before he met me. In fairness it did show dates of activity and it was almost a year ago.

I also saw onlyfans on his suggested websites on his laptop - he then searched for it in his history to show me, and it said it was last accessed in September so before he met me. He said he was single and bored but didn’t use it much.

It all makes perfect sense, plus I’ve seen his phone a lot and I have zero reason to think he’s doing it now.

But I suffer from anxiety, diagnosed OCD and retroactive jealousy, so I can’t get it out of my mind. Even though it was before he met me.

How do I stop obsessing over activity before he knew me??..

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 05/06/2023 10:52

No idea how but you really need to. I couldn't live with this level of jealousy in a partner, it would be a giant red flag for abuse for me.

parliamoglesga · 05/06/2023 10:53

“Retroactive jealousy” that’s a new one! 😂

if he were my mate I’d tell him to run a mile and not look back.

Postbox87 · 05/06/2023 10:53

The majority of men like porn, when single or in a relationship. You just have to accept it.

DoesItHaveKosovo · 05/06/2023 10:55

If you want to keep this relationship you really need to get a hold of the jealousy, it’s so damaging.

Is it the OnlyFans/online aspect that bothers you, or is it the existence of any history/interest in women before you?

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 10:55

You talk about your diagnoses,, but you fail to mention what treatment you are on to help your recovery,

bibbityboppityboo · 05/06/2023 10:56

Are you having treatment for any of the things you've mentioned?

Tbh I think you can't police the behaviour of someone before you met (similar to how you can't even when together!)

He sounds like he's being totally honest and upfront with you which is more than I'd be if my partner wanted to check time stamps on my google history 😂

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 10:58

Yes thr treatment is key. It is better to speak to your mental health support worker or doctor to deal with the symptoms of your mental illnesses, we don’t know enough about you to advise.

Original poster
turkeydinosaurs6 · 05/06/2023 11:00

I am on sertraline but fairly newly (about 3 weeks) and I do have therapy but infrequently due to finances. I know it’s really silly to be upset over something from his past, so I haven’t mentioned it again, but my brain keeps reminding me of it!

OP posts:
CallieQ · 05/06/2023 11:01

Jealousy like this can ruin relationships

FurryPelmet · 05/06/2023 11:02

Have you had therapy for the jealousy? You could start with reading something like this if you are on a waiting list.

Obsessing over what he did before he met me
FurryPelmet · 05/06/2023 11:03

^ cross posted with your update

FurryPelmet · 05/06/2023 11:04

parliamoglesga · 05/06/2023 10:53

“Retroactive jealousy” that’s a new one! 😂

if he were my mate I’d tell him to run a mile and not look back.

It’s really not funny. Know when to take the piss and when somebody needs support.

bibbityboppityboo · 05/06/2023 11:04

turkeydinosaurs6 · 05/06/2023 11:00

I am on sertraline but fairly newly (about 3 weeks) and I do have therapy but infrequently due to finances. I know it’s really silly to be upset over something from his past, so I haven’t mentioned it again, but my brain keeps reminding me of it!

Totally understand the intrusive thoughts part of it - especially if that's part of your OCD / anxiety. Do you have any coping mechanisms in place for that?

Personally I find the accept / allow / react / reframe method works for me, but it's a work in progress tbh!

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 11:04

I think uou need to go back to the doctor and speak to them more about your issues.

on a seperate note, I think you mean retrospective and not retroactive. So I suspect that’s self diagnosed, in reality it’s just jealousy.

MichelleScarn · 05/06/2023 11:06

parliamoglesga · 05/06/2023 10:53

“Retroactive jealousy” that’s a new one! 😂

if he were my mate I’d tell him to run a mile and not look back.

Same, had to Google that. Definition seems to be "Retroactive jealousy means you feel threatened by your partner's past relationships. Feeling jealous about your partner's past may manifest as information-seeking behaviors like social media searching, but may also come up as constant comparisons, sarcasm, or snooping." Back in the day, this would just be a controlling, jealous arsehole, but hey find a way to excuse it, what a win for abusive people!

parliamoglesga · 05/06/2023 11:11

FurryPelmet · 05/06/2023 11:04

It’s really not funny. Know when to take the piss and when somebody needs support.

Show quote history

Yes, probably the boyfriend that needs the support 🌚

Farmageddon · 05/06/2023 11:17

I think you need to either find a way to work through this yourself, or break up with him. It's quite clear it's not an ongoing thing, and you have no other reason not to trust what he is saying now. So it's part of his past.

It's ok if you don't find this acceptable, we all have our own boundaries. What it's not ok to do is stay with him and constantly punish him or keep bringing it up. So you must figure out if it's something you can live with, or whether you need to step away.

pukepoint3 · 05/06/2023 11:19

It sounds like you're not in a place mentally to be in a relationship at the moment, perhaps you should continue having therapy to deal with this before you pursue a relationship.

Everyone has a past. Most men at some point will have looked at pictures of naked women.

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2023 11:21

Cbt might be useful. Even workbook style. I found the reflective exercises useful to stop spiral thoughts

Ihaveshitfriends · 05/06/2023 11:22

I think you may not be ready for a relationship till you’ve sorted yourself out tbh. If my partner could see everything I’ve ever googled he’d be disgusted (thanks to Mumsnet I found out what 2 girls , 1 cup is 💩). But, he respects my privacy and doesn’t snoop.

backseatwatching · 05/06/2023 11:30

what he`s done before he met you has nothing to do with you id be gone .
i had an ex bf that was like you very jealous everything id done before we even knew each other was wrong and he got so upset with it .
WE split up i could not deal with that sort of jealousy.

Susuwatariandkodama · 05/06/2023 12:02

Postbox87 · 05/06/2023 10:53

The majority of men like porn, when single or in a relationship. You just have to accept it.

No, people don’t have to accept it.

That’s ridiculous, it’s ok to have a deal breaker, I couldn’t be with someone who watched porn or who looks at others/flirts etc, it’s disrespectful.

Personally OP, I think it would be best to try and improve your MH before committing yourself to a relationship.
Have you had an open and honest conversation with him in regards to your MH?
As someone said above, having your own boundaries is fine but that should really only be relevant to the present, you can’t punish him for his past before he even knew you.

Can you go back to the GP? They can refer you for therapy and there shouldn’t be any costs to you. It would only be for a few months but it would be consistent weekly sessions, it may help and you can always request a second referral if you need more help.

Frogmila · 05/06/2023 12:10

What about pursuing CBT on the NHS if you've not already tried it? Not a panacea but could help you cope. In the meantime, when you get an intrusive thought, can you try acknowledging it to yourself, then saying 'right, I'll park that for now and consider in the morning/ tomorrow whether it's something I should really be upset about'. Stop things spiralling.

orangegato · 05/06/2023 12:11

YABVU and it’s a massive red flag, male or female, for someone to expect they’re the only person to ever exist to your partner.

Get a grip.

MinnieEgg · 05/06/2023 12:12

It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship. You should break up with him and focus on yourself.