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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told who your baby looks like

110 replies

Emfrancesca · 05/06/2023 04:01

Is it just me or does anyone else feel annoyed when someone from your other half's family says that your baby looks like their dad or someone from that side of the family?!
It's like I grew this baby for 9 months and for what? 🤣

OP posts:
NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 05/06/2023 06:13

Babies look pretty generic until interesting things start happening. I bet if they lined 10 newborns all the same skintone/hair side by side you'd not be able to pick yours out.

And yes, agree with above. Other people's babies aren't nearly as interesting to the rest of the world. We're programmed for our own to be centre of the universe and we don't get it when they're not the centre of everyone's. Everyone knows that so we try and be polite and think of something to say. Who does he look like? Is he sleeping? Does he feed well? Etc. We don't even actually care. It's just a social convention.

MrsLiam · 05/06/2023 06:14

Don't read too much into it; it's just conversation. My friend is continually told how much her baby looks like its dad - which is a bit odd as baby was conceived with donor sperm (only a handful of close friends and immediate family know this).

LittleBumblebee3 · 05/06/2023 06:19

I think (in my case at least) it comes down to how you feel about the commenter generally.
100% agree with you on this one @CurtainsForBea

A few minutes after I gave birth to DS1, the midwife turned round to DH and said “Well I don’t think anyone can question who the dad is! He’s your double!” 🤔🤣 I was like “ehhhh….who was questioning it?!” 🤔

My best friend (who I’ve known literally since she was born) wasn’t raised by her biological dad. Her stepdad has been in her life since her mum was pregnant, raised her as his own, and very very few people know that he isn’t her biological dad. Her and I used to have such a giggle growing up when people said she was her “dads” double 🤣 they literally couldn’t look more different! She’s now got 2 boys of her own and people comment on how much they look like “grandpa” 🤣

WandaWonder · 05/06/2023 06:21

I hardly ever see anyone in a baby unless it is very obvious but if it's there it's there not sure why I would be annoyed if it was my baby

MyPurpleHeart · 05/06/2023 06:21

It only irks me when someone says my 2 week old looks like some distant family member and not even me or DH 😂

sawnotseen · 05/06/2023 06:23

Sorry that those comments make you feel bad.
I had this as my first born, a girl, has always been the image of her grandma, her dad's mum.
I was having a very similar conversation with my close friend the other day, as her neice (sisters daughter) looks very like her but her own daughter doesn't (she looks just like her dad).
My daughter is, and always has been, the absolute spitting of her dad and my beloved late MIL, she looks nothing like me at all - I've always loved that, as MiL never had a daughter and the physical resemblance to her is so clear and she really loved that. They were very close.
My son looked a lot like me when he was very young, lots of people commented. He's a young adult now and has somehow morphed into looking like his dad! Im a bit gutted about that.
I am apparently the image of my late maternal grandfathers sister! She sadly died young so I never met her. The photos are uncanny though. Build too - im tiny (very short and size 6) as was this woman, my great aunt - but my mum, sister, daughter, neice and aunt are all pretty average, about 5'4" and dress size 12. She didn't have any children so no one to compare to now but it is a bit spooky when I see photos as I do really look like her! It's like looking at me dressed up for a 1940s event.
I find it fascinating. Try not to jet the comments get to you....I'm sure they're from a loving place. I think that they are just delighted to have your baby in their family and are trying to make connections.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 05/06/2023 06:24

It used to be considered a great compliment to tell parents that their child looked like the father. It was a sort of early paternity test. There is even one such conversation in the opening scene of Much Ado About Nothing.

It is really not a big deal. Sometimes family resemblances are really striking and tbh I find the science of it absolutely fascinating.

I have a friend whose three children look absolutely nothing like her, and so very like their father’s family that their paternal aunt is regularly mistaken for their mum when they are all together. That really pisses her off and I can understand why.

FloofCloud · 05/06/2023 06:46

When my eldest was young my MIL piped

Original poster
Emfrancesca · 05/06/2023 06:50

Interesting responses!
I personally feel like she is a complete mix of us both and doesn't look like either of us specifically.
Obviously babies change all the time and she is only 8 weeks so got a lot of growing to do yet!

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 05/06/2023 06:50

... posted too soon ... MiL piped up that my DDs eyes seemed to be remaining that beautiful blue colour and she takes after uncle Alister ... which really annoyed me because it was the one thing she took after my family as we all have blue eyes (in laws all brown eyed except this one uncle). I said no that's my family genes abs the cheeky cow said oh no Floof these are a beautiful blue colour, not like yours, definitely from my side of the family 😳

VintageThoughts · 05/06/2023 06:56

My ex MIL said to me (when DS was just a few weeks old) "he really doesn't get anything from you does he?" She then proceeded to call him "my little [insert ExH's name]. It wound me up so much! And to be fair, he really was the spot of his dad. Now though, he's much more like my side of the family. People often say how much he looks like my dad and brother.

I feel for you OP, but it won't last.

Zezet · 05/06/2023 07:38

I thought newborns usually look more like their dad's, nature's way of preventing paternal infanticide.

Of course, they all still look like baby turtles, too.

But also, it's not that serious, I have seen loads of children adopted, across race too, and invariably you manage to find similarities between the new parents and kids. You see what you want to see, I guess.

DanceMonster · 05/06/2023 07:40

I think it’s just natural that people seek out family resemblances. I was never particularly bothered about my children looking like me as I'm not a huge fan of my own looks.

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 07:41

Wouldn't bother me at all. When DD came out one of the first things I noticed is she had her dad's (quite distinct) toes. I thought it was lovely.

I don't know why you think "growing" a baby should make it look more like you. That's not how DNA works.

Original poster
Emfrancesca · 05/06/2023 07:47

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 07:41

Wouldn't bother me at all. When DD came out one of the first things I noticed is she had her dad's (quite distinct) toes. I thought it was lovely.

I don't know why you think "growing" a baby should make it look more like you. That's not how DNA works.

I'm well aware that's not how DNA works lol it was supposed to be a lighthearted comment because I think it's funny how women go through 9 tiring months of pregnancy for the baby to come out looking like their dad 🤣

OP posts:
MermaidMummy06 · 05/06/2023 07:49

I decided to find it amusing. My DM still pulls out photos of her sister/mother/father/third cousin and tries to tell me DD7 or DS10 look like them! MIL did similar on their side.

I think they're just trying to find a connection, or 'claim' the child in some kind of weird family tug of war. If asked who I think they look like, I say 'they look like themselves'.

The only time I was horrified was when someone said DD looked like MIL. I loathed MIL & couldn't bear it if DD did look like her (she doesn't, thankfully).

Polari · 05/06/2023 07:50

My ds is the spit of my dh. So much so that when dh picked him up from school one day the teacher remarked that even without ds running happily towards him she would have know they were related.
30 years later dgc looks like ds.

My dd's ds is like my sil (his dad) until he's grumpy and apparently then he looks like my dh!😅

Dd does look a bit like me.

@Emfrancesca your dc may well have her dh features but your hair type or personality.

I think seeing resemblances in dc is nature's way of reinforcing a bonding by family so that they protect the new baby. A primal instinct if you like.

WickedSerious · 05/06/2023 07:57

My sister's youngest is the image of her much hated MIL,although no one's ever dared say this in front of my sister.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 05/06/2023 08:00

I get you.

It can almost feel like their claiming them as part of their family, and diminishing yours.

I 100% think it depends on your thoughts and feelings towards the person saying it though.

Happens with personality traits too. I've had 'oh, she's definitely a insert fathers last name here'

It's bizarre. They are their own person, no more their father than they are mother.

ZenNudist · 05/06/2023 08:02

Non issue. Baby may genuinely resemble great uncle Alfie.

One of my dc is spit of dh and other is more my side. Doesn't stop MIL saying he's like her side (he's not, I've see the family albums).

Nod and smile.

Original poster
Emfrancesca · 05/06/2023 08:03

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 05/06/2023 08:00

I get you.

It can almost feel like their claiming them as part of their family, and diminishing yours.

I 100% think it depends on your thoughts and feelings towards the person saying it though.

Happens with personality traits too. I've had 'oh, she's definitely a insert fathers last name here'

It's bizarre. They are their own person, no more their father than they are mother.

That's exactly it - she has my families genes as well you know, not just yours! 😅

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 05/06/2023 08:04

Actually took me ages to come round to
how my first baby looked, as he was totally not what we were expecting and flew in the face of genetics. So I took any comment to heart. We are both very dark, DS olive skinned and Mediterranean and my baby was very blonde. Eldest looks much more like me now as his face changed a lot and his hair is darker (still blonde though) Our other children are more what I expected during the pregnancy and i found those kind of comments somehow pissed me off less.

SisterAgatha · 05/06/2023 08:05

DH* olive skinned

Cas112 · 05/06/2023 08:06

But what if the baby does look like them. Are they just not allowed to mention it?😂😂😂

I feel like it's just something you should get over, babies change loads and no doubt you will get the same comments at some point

FlamingoYellow · 05/06/2023 08:06

I know how you feel. My mum used to do this with both my dcs (say they looked exactly like ex-H ). The worst was when she said about one dc to me - "if I hadn't been in the room when you were giving birth, I wouldn't even have thought the baby was yours!" 😒. My in-laws all made similar comments. I think what really pissed me off about it was that I was the one who had gone through pregnancy and childbirth, and I was the one doing the vast majority of the childcare, but apparently I don’t even look like I could be their mum.

However, I remember one time, we went out for dinner with my brother and he said to ex-H "do you see any resemblance to anyone in your family in the children? Because when I look at them, all I see is our family." That really cheered me up 😆.