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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm right, right?

48 replies

Bluerg · 04/06/2023 21:45

For context, and in mitigation, DH has CFS and is having a bad time at the moment.

This evening DH agreed to do a chore for me (brushing the cat - who is technically mine) as a favour. I then put DD to bed while he cleaned the kitchen. When I came back he was very grumpy and said he didn't see why he should brush the cat, and that he'd agreed to it at the time but that was before he spent a long time on his feet and now he didn't want to. There was no apology, and no acknowledgement that he had previously agreed and therefore was under some obligation to actually follow through. When I tried to explain that I didn't mind him not doing me the favour, but would have appreciated an apology and explanation rather than being grumped at, he called me legalistic, and said he'd never agree to do anything for me again.

He's in the wrong, right? Or is it me?

(Fyi he is generally a very good husband/dad and does pull his weight as much as he is able, I'm just annoyed and frustrated that he doesn't seem to recognise that agreeing to something gives you an obligation to actually do the thing, or at least politely explain/apologise if you change your mind.)

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 04/06/2023 21:53

To me it sounds a bit OTT - especially the part about obligations and apologies!

If he's normally helpful and pulls his weight but at the moment is having a tough time with CFS and says he doesn't want to - surely that's enough? It's brushing a cat, which on the face of it possibly isn't the highest priority task on a Sunday evening if people are tired and having a hard time and could wait until tomorrow?

If I'd offered to do a chore for my DH as a favour then was absolutely knackered later and said I didn't want to do it anymore I'd be quite miffed if he started talking about obligations and apologies!

DuvetCoverNightmare · 04/06/2023 21:54

Blimey it’s brushing the cat, not curing cancer. Would it matter if it happened tomorrow?
I think you’ve gone OTT on this one tbh. Apologising or explaining himself to you? For not fulfilling his obligation? It does sound legalistic.
YABU on this one

PaigeMatthews · 04/06/2023 21:58

I do not understand the replies you've had so far. Really, really weird.

When I came back he was very grumpy and said he didn't see why he should brush the cat, and that he'd agreed to it at the time but that was before he spent a long time on his feet and now he didn't want to… When I tried to explain that I didn't mind him not doing me the favour, but would have appreciated an apology and explanation rather than being grumped at, he called me legalistic, and said he'd never agree to do anything for me again
he responded to you like an utter petulant wanker.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 04/06/2023 22:09

I've said YABU although I understand why you feel like this. I had two dogs and after taking on a DH too I was pleased when he offered to, and eventually naturally just did do some of the associated jobs...

However... it's your pet, so your 'job', he agreed to do it but then because of his illness he didn't feel able to do it? Presumably he felt guilty that he wasn't doing it any more, and has unfairly been grumpy about it.

I personally in this situation would say to my DH 'sorry, I just can't face it after all do you mind etc' but I don't think you should expect it.
My biggest consideration is the illness, I don't think I'd feel the same if he was just being lazy.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/06/2023 22:19

If I say I can do something then circumstances mean I cant my default would be "Sorry dear, I cant do it now/tonight. I can try tomorrow/whenever". I wouldn't immediately get into a strop (and I have two autoimmune conditions that exhaust me at times.)

hotinthesun · 04/06/2023 22:33

YABU another one for MN my god men are really getting the stick on here today its your cat you deal with what is it with women and finger pointing blaming nothing is ever good enough when a man dose it or he dose it wrong husband and me have our ups and downs like anyone eles but some of the things we have read about on here i feel sorry for the partners / husbands having to know no matter what they do its wrong some men cant be on there phones but women can slag them off online he dont look after me how he should because your a grown woman look after your self . sorry for the rant again twice to day its a record lol.

Psiaspops · 04/06/2023 22:34

I said I would do something today that my husband usually does. Turns out I had a shocking day of crippling pain and literally couldn't move. Said to hubby I was sorry and went on to explain why I hadn't done it and he said it's no problem at all, you don't need to apologise or explain yourself, and then he went and did it. I thanked him and he said no need an that was the end of it.

You're whole scenario, just seems way over the top to me

MySunnyDay · 04/06/2023 22:34

This post really made me smile (sorry I realise that wasn't your intention OP). What type of cat do you have that needs brushing? I'd love to brush a cat. Think it would be therapeutic? Does the cat like being brushed?

Sorry to derail 😂

PS I think your DH should have brushed the cat.

MoorRain · 04/06/2023 22:36

@Bluerg it doesn’t sound like he changed his mind, more like he ran out of energy.

So yes, ‘sorry love I can’t do it now’ is the right way to deal with it, not having a strop

But you might need to work on reframing your thoughts about tasks he doesn’t do… if my wife had a ‘you said you would do it and now you have changed your mind/not bothered and that is t good enough’ attitude to stuff I can’t do because I have M.E I would get annoyed.

Original poster
Bluerg · 04/06/2023 22:37

@MySunnyDay he's just a rescue moggy but he has particularly thick, slightly longer than average hair that gets matted and sheds horribly if not brushed.

He's also prone to fleas so needs brushing regularly to check 🤢

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluerg · 04/06/2023 22:39

@MoorRain but I wouldn't have that attitude if he had said "sorry I can't do it".

(Basically: he started it!)

OP posts:
MEFibroHell · 04/06/2023 22:40

I imagine he’s grumpy and agitated because he’s reached his limit doing the dishes. It’s painful to always feel so awful, and frustrating that life is so limiting. If my DH expected me to apologise for being so short of energy I couldn’t do something I’d be pretty pissed of tbh.

StarDolphins · 04/06/2023 22:45

hotinthesun · 04/06/2023 22:33

YABU another one for MN my god men are really getting the stick on here today its your cat you deal with what is it with women and finger pointing blaming nothing is ever good enough when a man dose it or he dose it wrong husband and me have our ups and downs like anyone eles but some of the things we have read about on here i feel sorry for the partners / husbands having to know no matter what they do its wrong some men cant be on there phones but women can slag them off online he dont look after me how he should because your a grown woman look after your self . sorry for the rant again twice to day its a record lol.

Goodness me, talk about missing the point. It wouldn’t have mattered had he said no initially but he agreed to it, therefore he should do it or not do it but explain nicely instead of being grumpy.

backseatwatching · 04/06/2023 22:45

another man bashing thread .

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 22:46

You told him he should be apologising for being too tired to do you a non-essential favour because he’d worn himself out clearing up the kitchen? And you know he’s got a condition that makes him very tired?

He was stroppy but your attitude is incredible. Why couldn’t you see he was exhausted and said okay not to worry?

Apologies, obligations, what a stressful way to live.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 22:47

Since you asked, you’re wrong.

StarDolphins · 04/06/2023 22:47

Someone’s definitely tipped mansnet, far too many bitter men on here.

Aprilx · 04/06/2023 22:47

YABU. He doesn’t need to apologise or explain and he didn’t have an obligation. What a fuss over nothing.

MoorRain · 04/06/2023 22:49

Bluerg · 04/06/2023 22:39

@MoorRain but I wouldn't have that attitude if he had said "sorry I can't do it".

(Basically: he started it!)

How did the conversation start? I’m just wondering if your general attitude is that he should fulfil his ‘obligations’ (ie stuff he had said he would do) and if not always apologise? Because M.E is an incredibly fluctuating illness- it’s really hard to know from one hour to the next what you are going to be able to do without pain or PEM or when you might have to just stop completely. It’s horrendous to live that way and if you always have to feel bad and apologise for not meeting obligations it’s extremely destructive to your self esteem.

On the other hand your husband might just be stroppy by nature 🤷‍♀️ and it’s nothing to do with you.

PurpleBirch · 04/06/2023 22:49

MEFibroHell · 04/06/2023 22:40

I imagine he’s grumpy and agitated because he’s reached his limit doing the dishes. It’s painful to always feel so awful, and frustrating that life is so limiting. If my DH expected me to apologise for being so short of energy I couldn’t do something I’d be pretty pissed of tbh.

I agree with this. CFS is so debilitating and it sounds like he has reached his limit.

Seas164 · 04/06/2023 22:50

Unless Brushing The Cat is a euphamism for something more urgent then you're being OTT, but him saying he will never do anything for you again, is petulant.

Screamingabdabz · 04/06/2023 22:53

Is a mangy flea-ridden cat worth all this marital strife really?

MoorRain · 04/06/2023 22:54

StarDolphins · 04/06/2023 22:45

Goodness me, talk about missing the point. It wouldn’t have mattered had he said no initially but he agreed to it, therefore he should do it or not do it but explain nicely instead of being grumpy.

Show quote history

@StarDolphins why should he have to explain nicely? Since the op knows he has M.E and knows he is in a bad phase, and knows he had just cleaned the kitchen she would know that he was too tired to do the cat. Constantly apologising for something you can’t help and didn’t choose is soul destroying.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/06/2023 22:55

Why did I read CFS as cheeky fucker syndrome?!

I see your point OP.
'I know I said I'd do the cat for you, but I don't think I'm going to be able to - the dishes have wiped me out. You ok to do it? Thanks'
That's all it takes, surely? Rather than getting a shit on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/06/2023 22:56

Yeah he is being a shit and there was no need for him to get in a strop.

However with CFS he probably thought he had enough energy and then crashed and the thought of doing something else was overwhelming. It isnt great that he took it out on you...however I'd guess he is probably angry at himself that he can't do something relatively simple that he promised you. Its easy to feel like a failure when you run out of energy and just cant cope with something that on it's own sounds small