I'm right, right?

[Bluerg]

For context, and in mitigation, DH has CFS and is having a bad time at the moment.

This evening DH agreed to do a chore for me (brushing the cat - who is technically mine) as a favour. I then put DD to bed while he cleaned the kitchen. When I came back he was very grumpy and said he didn't see why he should brush the cat, and that he'd agreed to it at the time but that was before he spent a long time on his feet and now he didn't want to. There was no apology, and no acknowledgement that he had previously agreed and therefore was under some obligation to actually follow through. When I tried to explain that I didn't mind him not doing me the favour, but would have appreciated an apology and explanation rather than being grumped at, he called me legalistic, and said he'd never agree to do anything for me again.

He's in the wrong, right? Or is it me?

(Fyi he is generally a very good husband/dad and does pull his weight as much as he is able, I'm just annoyed and frustrated that he doesn't seem to recognise that agreeing to something gives you an obligation to actually do the thing, or at least politely explain/apologise if you change your mind.)

The reason he stropped was she told him he should have apologised!

I get that & constant apologies aren’t necessary or expected. However, if I agreed to do something then didn’t, I wouldn’t get grumpy about it, I’d just say “I know I said I’d brush the cat but I ran out of time/couldn’t be arsed” etc & that would be it. To agree, then get shitty about it is the issue here.

@AnneLovesGilbert if you read my OP you'll note he was grumpy before I'd said anything.

@MoorRain it started with me commenting that our daughter had gone to sleep quickly, and him launching into a monologue and announcing that he wouldn't do the cat.

I do appreciate the viewpoint from those with CFS/ME. It's difficult being the partner though. Obviously his fatigue must be awful, but it's hard to be consistently nice and empathetic when you've done every single night wake and early morning for 3 years, and are the only parent (only person) who takes your kid out of the house. I'm not a saint.

Anyway, he's apologised now, so we're good.

This is such a non thing. We have a bunny who we put outside in the day but inside at night. Dh has been out all day (doing his hobby bit in the sun and active all day) I’ve been home with dc. He just asked if I brought the bunny in, I said “oh no, good point… I’m so comfy though.” Dh laughed and went and got the bunny. I’m tired and he’s tired. Neither could be bothered really. Similarly, if dh asked me to brush the dog and that evening I decided I was too tired I’d just say “oh yeah, I didn’t brush the dog.” I don’t think I’d apologise… Not sure why I’d need to. I’d just brush him the next day (if I remembered).

@Screamingabdabz he's a really nice cat tbf

I think you're both a bit in the wrong, but not unreasonably so. You asked him to do you a favour and he agreed, however when it came to the time to do it he was tired and irritable and didn't want to do it. I've been there. He was probably as annoyed at himself for saying he'd do it as he was at you.
Without hearing the exact conversation it's hard to judge fairly, but I'd say it's likely that when you re-entered the living room you asked if he'd brushed the cat yet or maybe asked why he hadn't and he snapped. A minor conflict occurred with him getting irritated at you for telling him he's obligated now to do it and you thinking Well don't say you'll do something if you won't.
I'd say it's a non event. How you posed the 'have you brushed the cat yet?' question, would have influenced my answer. If you politely enquired I'd say, Look love, I know I said I'd do it but...If you had your managers head on I'd be naked and respond accordingly. It's hardly the row of the century.
Does the cat have to be brushed now? If you're both tired n fed up could you leave it till tomorrow?

but would have appreciated an apology and explanation

OTT.

@Bluerg it isn’t only the fatigue that is awful, it’s the muscle pain, nausea, headache, confusion, sore throat, vomiting, internal tremor, external tremor, heart palpitations, dizziness, insomnia, depression, irritable bowel, irritable bladder, tinnitus, muscle weakness etc etc.

On the other hand I’m in the odd position of having been a carer for more than a decade to someone with M.E before I developed it myself ( research indicates there is a genetic component) so I know how hard that is too. It’s shit for everyone involved.

Crikey you were so pissed off you couldn't find your full stop button! That paragraph broke my brain 😂

He was likely grumpy because doing the kitchen was pushing himself too much and he would have been in some significant pain. CFS/ME isn’t just feeling tired, this is commonly misunderstood. I think he did givd you an explanation and he did acknowledge he had agreed to brush the cat before he knew how his CFS would affect him;

“..said he didn't see why he should brush the cat, and that he'd agreed to it at the time but that was before he spent a long time on his feet ..”

So really, all that was missing was an apology and personally, I think it’s wrong to expect a partner to apologise for their disability when it prevents them from doing you a favour?

Your thread title and the fact that you came on here to ask ‘I’m right, right?’ when your partner displays a bit of ….er….human nature says it all to me.

This is someone with a LTC who is grumpy about having to do a shit job that they clearly hate. And to you it boils down to right and wrong because he didn’t say the right words in the right way?

He called you ‘legalistic’. I think I can see why. Maybe display some humanity in future and / or let minuscule things like this wash over you rather than start an argument.

I agree. It is relentless with no break he's probably frustrated in himself at not being able to do the task. I would cut him some slack as long as he was just a bit grumpy rather than an abusive yelling arsehole. It also does sound like he was acknowledging he agreed to it but couldn't do it?

Yes you know the explaination OP. It's going to get really frustrating for him if he has to keep explaining his medical condition to his own partner. Can you not just read up and educate yourself? He might appreciate that.

he called me legalistic

Tbh For context, and in mitigation does sound legalistic really

Not a very nice comment about a pet

i would love to brush a cat too.

He's being unnecessarily grumpy.

You're being unnecessarily pedantic.

You want him to apologise for being too tired to brush your cat because he's been on his feet cleaning the kitchen and has a debilitating health condition? Yeah YABU. He gave you an explanation.

This ^

What drama over nothing too.

Yep, agree with both of these posters and most of the other ones on here

Sorry but YABU He'd used his spoons after clearing up the kitchen
He had good intentions but ran out of energy. The way he spoke to you wasn't great but I think you could've cut him some slack as you know he's in a flare
It's just not worth creating mountains out of molehills

No he started off stroppy "I dont see why I should brush the cat" isn't im sorry I can't manage brushing the cat today one is stroppy one is normal

CFS isn't a reason to give someone a mouthful though it takes less energy to say sorry I overestimated my energy I can't do the cat today than to start an argument so unnecessary