How wrong would it be to just not show up?

[Flowersandherbs]

I’ll try to be concise but his requires context. Basically, stupidly I started a course 3 years ago. I was bored, fed up and dealing with PND and a nightmare with a housemove and felt I’d benefit from doing another degree in something I really was interested in, I also hoped I’d meet people as I’m hugely socially inept and haven’t had any sort of friendship or social life for a good decade, (literally weeks go by when I only see my partner and kids) so I’m definitely at the extreme end of the loner/ introvert spectrum. Anyway, the first year’s all online - perfect!! and then the last two years have been hell as I’ve hated going in and then I became unwell which gave me an excuse not to go in so the whole social aspect failed completely and I’ve not made any friends and have managed to alienate myself entirely from the group by not being there much and avoiding them as much as possible. I attended 4 lectures and 2 tutorials this year! Awful. But I did have some good medical evidence so they allowed me to just work on my projects and submit and I’ve had excellent grades. The final project was presented a couple of weeks ago and was really well received. I expect I’ve got a first as it only needed to be ‘good’ because of my grade average already. Anyway, I’ve been invited to a VIP event and a graduation ceremony ( 2 separate dates the GC is for everyone who’s passed and the VIP is a special event which includes awards and visitors) where you have to be prepared to talk to people about your stuff. I’d rather fake my own death than speak to anyone or be called up for an award, I decided ages ago I wouldn’t attend the graduation thing (and it doesn’t matter) but this other event is by special invitation and I’m getting harassed and badgered by two lecturers to ‘make sure you come, it’s important’…
They don’t get it though, I’ve hated this course, I literally completed it because my ego wouldn’t let me quit , but going on campus makes me so ill. If I have to be there for Monday, the feeling of dread, panic symptoms and the gastric issues and everything will be kicking off from about Friday night. So by that Monday I’ll have stopped eating and drinking, rattling with IBS pills and off my nut on antihistamines and codeine just to be able to go to it, then I’ll be Ill for days afterwards! I’ve realised the whole thing is a waste of time and money because the career requires you to interact with people and I can’t do it anyway, so there’s no point me speaking about the work or talking to potential employers anyway. I’d rather spend the day gardening or painting.
I’m so stupid and spineless for even embarking on all this and I really want to tell them I can’t / won’t go. I also feel so shit about the whole thing. My depression is really bad now because I just feel like such a waste of time and energy and that they’re going to think I’m arrogant or ungrateful or something. What do I say ? Or do I just not show on the day and pretend I was taken ill?

Can you just tell them you are away that date?

Can you not just be honest and email them and explain your issues much like you have done here?
Pretty sure they will be understanding and not want to put you through all that stress.

I'm also confused why you cannot just tell them you won't be going?

You're an adult - you are perfectly within your rights to say no. Regardless of how "important" they think it is.

Email and say you will not be able to attend either event. Then refuse to engage further in chat about it.

@Bbqshowdownusa Yes if I’d had the presence Of mind to do that to begin with! But I said I would go, agreed to it and now I don’t want to with only a few days left which is why it now needs to be an Illness / emergency thing .When I’m put on the spot I tend to just people please and I’d agree to anything. I did plan to go, was going to force myself , I bought an outfit and stuff but I had to put it in the back of the wardrobe because it was making me anxious. I fear I’ve left it too late and will just have to hide away and never go back there.

This must me very life limiting. Obviously don't go. But please see a doctor about treatment for the anxiety.

God, you have really talked yourself out of it in so many and varied ways, haven't you? Your anxiety is a powerful little creature, sitting on your shoulder and giving you a whole raft of reasons why you can't possibly go, or succeed...

And yet, you must be in two minds, or you wouldn't have posted here. Deep down you know you are good at this - to get a high grade and be invited to a special ceremony despite barely attending means you must be exceptionally good at what you studied.

This is what I would do in your shoes:

Tell your worry monster to fuck off for 15 mins.
During those 15 mins, write an email to the two tutors who have spoken to you specifically.

Let them know that you are really struggling with anxiety at the moment. You are talking yourself out of attending because you are scared you might have to present or talk to strangers about your work, and don't feel up to that. Ask them if they can confirm in more detail what the special ceremony involves. If it would involve presenting, for example, could you agree that someone else present on your behalf? If it's getting a certificate, but not doing a speech, could you manage that? Could you collect your certificate privately?

The thing about anxiety is that avoiding things perpetuates the anxiety, which then feels justified. I would tell myself I will go, set a vibrate alarm for half an hour and you have to stay until the alarm goes off. At that point, if it's awful, you can leave, or you can set another 30 min countdown, or stay. Worst case scenario is that you have a 30 min wasted time where you feel uncomfortable. Best case scenario, you break through this anxiety that is restricting your life and allow yourself to just bask in being recognised at being good, really good, at something.

@AMonthOfSundaes
@neilyoungismyhero
this is true I guess. I don’t know why I worry so much about what people will think of me, it’s part of the illness and why I avoid people I think. I’ve been like it since childhood. I think I’ve finally realised now I’m not cut out for uni or work that involves peopling. Im just too nuts. I feel bad that they’ve spent money on special food and things and are expecting me to contribute something and I’m just snubbing it. I will take your advice though and tell them. Maybe someone else will want to go?

I completely understand.
Take a deep breath, phone them, tell them you've been diagnosed with severe social anxiety and you'll be utterly unable to attend.

After you've made the call you can relax.

But I said I would go, agreed to it and now I don’t want to with only a few days left

Ah, I see. I hadn't realised you'd already accepted.

In that case, you probably do owe them an explaination and fwiw, I think you owe them the truth. Email them and tell them how stresful and distressing you are finding this and explain that means you won't be able to attend.

No, see if there are ways that you can attend - even if only for a short time or on particular terms.

Avoidance reinforces anxiety. Been there, got the t shirt.

This is so sad to read, please seek help as your OP clearly says you want to interact with others and have friends, but then you are clearly self sabotaging (not saying on purpose or anything!) You’re clearly good at whatever it is to achieve a first, so are you sure you can’t find some way to go into this field? Maybe one of your lecturers could give advice if you explain it all? I’d also explain honestly why you feel you cannot go to the event.

@AMonthOfSundaes its so embarrassing! I hate this. I’m going to email them though. They’ll probably be nice about it too which always leaves me feeling horrible about these things. It’s the guilt. It’s awful. Thanks though your common sense replies are what I need!

This made me really sad OP, you're so down on yourself! You've done really well at something, do you think you could maybe flip it round in your head and think that the event is about celebrating how well you've done? And that it's a nice thing for you? And if you think of the worst case scenarios, if you're never going to see these people again then none of it really matters? Equally think it's fine to just email and say "Sorry but I'm no longer able to attend." But I do think avoidance feeds anxiety (I've had it too) so if you could go you might feel good about it afterwards!

I would simply respond that while you appreciate being invited to this VIP event, you are unable to attend for personal reasons, do not wish for them to continue pushing about the matter and, as far as you are concerned, have declined the invitation allowing them to offer the space to the next person on the list (they will have a list of ‘stand by’ students)

After that, I would simply ignore any further communication with them regarding it.

@ImpromptuGathering
no, sundaes right it’s better not to go. I recently tried to do something much less daunting and had to abandon it, in tears and hyperventilating. I cried infront of strangers on the train for the hours commute home. Felt unwell for days. Wasn’t worth it. I also walked (ran) out of an exam 20 minutes early Leaving a few questions unanswered because I couldn’t cope. Frustrating because the grade was still quite good I must have done well to that point, I can’t remember it because I was in fight/flight mode. I was in danger of stepping infront of the train that day I felt such a failure that it’s probably risky to chance this much pressure. I can earn well from home doing what I was doing before and I’ve been desperate to move back to where I lived before so working from home is more sensible. I’m sure most people have to settle for what they get in life rather than try to achieve everything in their potential.

How is it daunting? Do you know for certain? Most of these ceremonies involve walking across stage to get a certificate while being clapped. You could ask if you could collect yours separately maybe. I think your anxiety is SO high that it's catastropising and jumping to worst case scenarios. What made you abandon and hyperventilate in the other situation?

You need to see your GP about your anxiety as a complete priority. I really do sympathise. It's literally ruining your life x

@ImpromptuGathering
Ive seen drs before and tried various drugs and been put on waiting lists for therapy etc. to be honest, most of the time I’m very happy doing what I do. I like my life. I’ve always hated busy places and being around lots of other people. I rarely went to school as a teenager and just studied at home. I expect other people below retirement age would think I’m crazy but I like being alone, I like gardening and baking and reading and playing music and I always feel relieved when the kids and DH are out and it’s calm and quiet. I’m just like that. One of my kids and two of siblings have diagnosed autism so maybe that’s a possibility for me , the sensory issues at least . I feel like I want to throw up at a noisy train station or by a busy road, just hate it.

Reading all your posts here thinking to myself “if she isn’t Autistic I will eat my hat”.

Saying that as the daughter of an Autistic mum, sister of an Autistic sibling, and mother of an Autistic son. MN hates it being mentioned though, so disclaimer: it’s just my feeling based on everything OP has written and having lived with various Autistic people my whole life…

Juat go. The things we dread rarely turn out to be as bad as we fear. You need never see the people again after it but you might get something from it, if only the satisfaction of facing your fears.

Social anxiety is very debilitating, I'm so sorry you suffer from this mental health condition. What a shame you don't want to go into the field because your lecturers think you're the biz.

Are there any circumstances under which you could go? Because you don't have to live feeling like you're an imposter or not worthy or whatever the negative dialogue is that you've told yourself you are. You can change it. Try hynotherapy. Use a hypnotherapist who is training in dealing with social anxiety in one session to keep costs down.

Sadly, people like you don't allow themselves to reach their potential - my DD is the same, and it breaks my heart. Hypno worked for her, but then too many other shitty events caused a relapse. We're in rebuild mode with her at the mo, which is looking up but a way to go.

Sending you a hug - you are worthy, you are meant to be, and you can do this.

@Flowersandherbs I am absolutely nobody, not a doctor or a lecturer or anyone with any professional insight, but you have my permission to not go.

Email your lecturers and say you apologise, but you are no longer able to attend, you hope the event goes well and you’ve learned so much from the course. Ask them to please arrange for your diploma to be sent in the post. Then you never have to think about this again.

They might think you’re odd. But that doesn’t matter. You have skills, you can have a good life doing what you enjoy. Sometimes we try things and they don’t work out like we thought, that’s perfectly normal.

I’m sorry you are finding this so hard. I recently did a university course as a very mature student and did extremely well academically. I didn’t go to graduation and a vip event sounds awful. I would definitely just say no. I’m an adult and decided long ago I was no longer doing anything I don’t want to.

But, and this is the crux of it, I think, if you really really didn’t want to go, you wouldn’t. I think somewhere in there you do want to, and for this reason I’d go with PPs suggestion to just agree with yourself that you’ll just stay for 30 minutes, then you can leave.

You are allowed to do whatever you want. It honestly doesn’t matter what other people think about your choice. Do what will make you happier. Congratulations on the degree.

Of course you don’t have to go, email to say you have a prior booking you can’t get out of. Don’t just not show up though.

More importantly, please ring your GP tomorrow and talk to them about depression and anxiety. If you see already on medication it needs tweaking - if you aren’t then I think medication plus therapy is worth considering. If you can pay for a course I’m guessing you can pay for some which will be quicker than NHS.

Um just in case you haven't twigged yet

Winning awards at university comes with cash money. I got £1600 when I graduated that I wasn't expecting at all. By all means ditch the ceremony but I would want to make sure they aren't going to give your award to someone else in that eventuality

Email and say 'due to an unforeseen emergency I am unable to attend, please can my award be sent to me by post'.

You don't have to go. Give yourself permission to prioritise your mental health.