2 or 3 kids?

[Gabbies]

I really want another baby but after a few miscarriages I don’t think it’s on the cards. I think I have one more shot left in me mentally or we could call it quits. I worry the age gap would be too big between oldest and youngest (over 7 years) and 4.5 years between middle child)

I have awful pregnancies, it takes a massive toll on my body mentally and physically. I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost. I worry about missing out on my current DC and stupid things like going to theme parks and there being 5 of us at different stages.

Anyone been here and decided to stick at 2 or gone for a third?

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. We've both decided we would like a third, but we are undecided about whether we actually can cope with a third such as to give them all a quality of life we'd be happy with. One of the main sticking points for us is housing, we've recently become homeowners before rates increased, we own a 3 bed terrace but floor space wise it's a 2 bed so both second and third bedrooms are very small, so any children sharing them it would be definitely far from ideal. Like you would struggle to fit more than bunk beds and a small wardrobe in each really. And as we have two kids of different sexes with a not insignificant age gape too (3.5yrs) sharing also has additional challenges. There is really no realistic prospect of us ever being able to move to anything bigger locally either and we wouldn't want to move areas for various reasons.

@WeightoftheWorld our two are also opposite sex and just over a 3 year age gap. I thought I wanted another one and I would in a heart beat if I knew my health wouldn’t a battering.

I also have concerns about giving them all the time and attention needed. I come from 5 kids and I felt like my parents were spread too thinly. I felt very emotional neglected, physical needs met but I have realised a lot of my mental health issues are due to my childhood (I didn’t always feel loved)

I have similar age gaps between my lot who are now 16, 14 and 9yo. They are a fab bunch of kids and they get on really well. The relationship between them is changed by the gap, and there is a nurturing quality about the friendship between my teens and my youngest that probably wouldn't exist otherwise, but it works and they make him feel welcome when he nudges into their world.

Similarly, I don't think my older children have missed out on anything - but the logistics around that are made much easier with a partner who pulls their weight.

Once you are out of the intensive toddler years with the youngest, then the huge amount of additional practical labour in caring for three kids compared to those with two begins to diminish as they all become more independent.

However, my pregnancies were manageable and didn't present the same challenge of what you'll be up against, so I can't speak to that at all. Best of luck however you play it.

@FourTeaFallOut thats lovely to hear and your right would be very similar age gaps. i do worry about the age gap more than I should. I imagine its more about personalities.

Logically I shouldn’t have any more but my heart says otherwise.

I wouldn’t. Do you want another child, human being, eventually grown adult or do you just miss the baby days of your two DC?

@CheesePls i hate pregnancy and the new born phase. If I could skip those parts and go straight to 1 year old I would. I really want another child but not the baby stage. DH isn’t willing to adopt (incase it’s suggested)

I do think it would be selfish to put that upon your family knowing how difficult it will be. Your kids are young, and their lives would be very unsettled for the best part of a year. I say this as someone who had many losses including a late term one. I wouldn't dream of creating such an impact on the family, knowing what you know. What would one more child give you that the two doesn't?

I’m a third. Don’t!

What about your finances? Are you bullet proof to have three kids? As circumstances can change and there is a cost of living crisis.

My parents managed well with two, but I was the odd one out. Three means the parents are outnumbered. So many things are designed for families of four.

Yes, have a third. I have an 8 year old, a 6 year old and I'm pregnant. Have had 4 miscarriages but I never gave up hope and I'm 8 months now. I have a 3 bedroom house but I'll figure it out. I'm so excited!

How on Earth do you know that they managed well with two until you came along? Surely they didn't say this to you?

I really, really don't see why you would, with the info you have given. Enjoy the two you have.

The friends who have 3 kids have it so much harder/ like 10 x harder than 2 imo.

If you would have asked me this 2 years I’d have said no! But I had my third last year and he was like the missing piece to our puzzle. We absolutely adore him and my other kids loved helping look after him.

I’ve not long had my third with a ten year age gap.

My pregnancies are always very difficult and before I gave birth I was in and out of hospital. It ended in an emergency section 12 weeks early and were looking at a long nicu stay. My children are old enough but still need their mum. Between friends and family we’ve split the time between us all& we’ve adapted great.

After 4 weeks in hospital I went home and my children were happy but also mentioned I could’ve stayed until newborn was able to come home as they were ok.

If you have a great support unit go for it ❤️

Actually, this might be one of the best reasons to have a breather between two and three. It's a lot easier to enjoy a maternity leave with a third when you can nap alongside them on school days.

I agree! With my second I felt like I barely enjoyed the toddler stage with my first or the baby stage with my second. With my 10 year age gap, I so look forward to taking in every single moment 🤩

Stick at 2. You have more time for them, you won’t be ferrying teens and primaries to twenty million different things. Uni fees will make you slightly less poor. You can stick with a smaller car. You will get your life back sooner.

Get a kitten instead. The kids will love it

I think quite a lot of parents are pretty open that the third can be the straw that breaks the back..

I imagine those types of parents probably shouldn't have had one or two either. What an awful thing to say to your own kid.

@FourTeaFallOut that’s a good point on the age gap, I could have the youngest in preschool then foundation during pregnancy and 1st year of a new baby.

@MoggyMittens23 I know it’s completely illogical! Logic is stay at 2 but I can’t seem to move past this heart string that I always wanted 3

Agree. As one of three, I would never have three. Two or four.

@FourTeaFallOut My mother did make this clear, and her mother practically brought me up. One sibling has never stopped resenting me, though I’m over fifty and she is a decade older.

I have awful pregnancies, it takes a massive toll on my body mentally and physically. I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost. I worry about missing out on my current DC and stupid things like going to theme parks and there being 5 of us at different stages.

Given all of the above, I would quit while I was ahead.
What if your third child had additional needs?
What does a third child bring to the table that the two you have don't already?

Then the biggie>

Do you really want three expensive teenagers? They are expensive financially and also the emotional toll teenagers take on you:

3 x after school activities
3 x school uniform
3 x school lunches
3 x fund raising days
3 x school trips
3 x mobile phone contracts
3 x laptops (necessary for school homework which is set on the school's VLE)
3 x GCSEs stress
3 x A levels stress
3 x potential UCAS
3 x potential support through university
3 x potetial friendship and relationship issues
3 x potential bullying issues