2 or 3 kids?

[Gabbies]

I really want another baby but after a few miscarriages I don’t think it’s on the cards. I think I have one more shot left in me mentally or we could call it quits. I worry the age gap would be too big between oldest and youngest (over 7 years) and 4.5 years between middle child)

I have awful pregnancies, it takes a massive toll on my body mentally and physically. I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost. I worry about missing out on my current DC and stupid things like going to theme parks and there being 5 of us at different stages.

Anyone been here and decided to stick at 2 or gone for a third?

You had shitty parents. You must know this? It might have been easier for them to lay their deficiencies at your feet but you don't owe them this narrative were you changed them from good parents into shitty parents.

@Ericaequites this worries me the sibling resentment, I feel 4 is way to much but 3 we could handle. I am worried about the affect on my current DC. I come from a large family and I honestly believe my parents would have been better with less kids. And answering my own question 2 kids would have been the ideal, more time and money to focus on us. Food for thought!

@RampantIvy the additional needs and potential for disability has crossed my mind, and if that was the case I will have wished I stayed at 2 kids.

I just don’t feel complete like somethings missing. Maybe it’s the miscarriages too that don’t help, it’s the last ones due date.

I have a massive fear I will look about and regret not having another. The three lots of everything on your list doesn’t worry me. I know I can provide that, it’s the emotional side I worry about more like the bullying and relationships like you said.

My ex husband was the middle of three and said exactly that when I wanted our third. Needless to say I had to stop at two.

@Ericaequites we can join the I had shitty parent club together 😂🤣

100% not having four can’t think of anything worse. Far too stretched to give each child enough attention and money. You can provide physically like clothes and food but no way once you hit four you can provide the emotional level of parenting I want for my kids

I was talking with someone today who has five kids (!) and they told me the biggest shocks/step ups were 0 kids to 1 kid and then 2 to 3.

Given your situation I’d come to terms with two. I think it’s unfair they are not getting your full love and attention whilst you’re trying for 3rd. I don’t think anyone should have more than 1 kid per parent for the planets sake. And I’m one of 3, it’s not the best

@FourTeaFallOut My father was very good to me. My mother and I had a complex relationship. I was better when I was an adult. My childhood experience was below par, but not sh-tty.

@Lcb123 any suggestions on how to come to terms with it? I find other people pregnancies or babies really get me down for days. Does this go away after a while? Or will I always cry into my pillow when I hear someone is pregnant?

I'm one of three myself btw and definitely don't feel I missed out on anything. I had a good childhood and we are all a close family into adulthood. My DPs actually wanted 4 originally but had some health scares during pregnancy 3 so they decided not to take any more risk and didn't have anymore. Which is what some people are saying to you about sticking with 2 but it will be different for everyone I guess. My DM's first two pregnancies and births were straightforward though so I guess they weren't concerned until they had the third and that wasn't as expected. I'm a bit like you in that I have had two horrible pregnancies and births so I do worry about that too.

I support the opinion given by Rampantivy.
Give your two existing children a full and enjoyable life, rather than risking the unknowable problems that a third baby could bring.

And yet you’re considering spending nine months of their childhood bed/hospital bound and making your DH virtually a single parent. Deliberately. Is that really how you want to spend nearly a year of your existing children’s lives? Is it in their best interests? What happens if there’s lasting effects on your health? I don’t mean that unkindly, I understand the pull of another baby, but I really wouldn’t. Not because of houses or finances but your health.

I was very ill in my second pregnancy. It really messed up my toddler/preschooler emotionally for literally years afterwards that Mummy wasn’t there, Mummy was sick, Mummy couldn’t engage/play even when I was home etc. He was anxious, jealous, clingy and he literally punished me for months for, as he must have seen it, “abandoning him”. It took years to fix our bond. I would never have had the second if I’d known that would happen and the likely recurrence is a big reason I wouldn’t consider a third. My primary responsibility is to my existing children. And whenever I felt broody or sad about not having a third I figured I’d rather I lived with that sadness than I inflicted sadness on my children from my absence/illness. Once the decision was made and we mentally moved on from the ttc years I stopped finding other pregnancies sad, and honestly now I’m mostly relieved it’s not me!

I had my 3rd (unplanned) 3 months ago and she is amazing. Our missing piece, my easiest pregnancy and birth and an easy, smiley, beautiful joy and already sleeping brilliantly (our biggest fear after number 2!) I think back and can’t believe we talked about terminating the pregnancy and I’m so so glad I didn’t. I never felt done after number 2 and still had all my maternity stuff, baby stuff etc etc in storage whereas this time I feel completely done. Maternity stuff went out the door the week after I gave birth. We were discussing number 3 for about a year before accidentally getting pregnant and I think I would have kept doing the “what if” forever if the decision hadn’t been made for us.

It worries me slightly to hear lots of people saying 3 is not a great number and they won’t get the attention they deserve but I hope we’ll juggle it. My age gaps are 2 years and 3 years almost exactly.

If you really think you want a third then I can’t imagine you’ll ever regret going for it. We are fortunate that money was never a deciding factor for us but it has meant a new car, an extension and holidays are already looking like they will be much pricier so this is definitely something to take into account. Also I have had 3 very easy pregnancies and births - I was very active until an hour before giving birth, all 3 were born at home and I was up and back to normal within a day really. A difficult pregnancy might be a completely different ball game with 2 other children to think about!

I agree with the posters who are 1 of 3 and hate it, I am too and I’ve vowed to never have 3. It sounds like you’d be putting a lot on the line health wise too. My mum had terrible births with number 1 and 2, and (albeit not helped by her own stubbornness) had an even worse one with her 3rd that resulted in huge blood loss that probably could have killed her. I think sometimes it’s not worth the risk if it’s not been plain sailing before.
I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage though, that must be hard. Allow yourself some time to grieve over it properly x

@Blueskysunflower hand on my heart for my current DC it’s best not to roll the dice. I could have died in my last pregnancy and it scared me that I could leave these children without a mum.

It’s just this pull of not feeling done I can’t shake. It’s head vs heart, I know I shouldn’t have any more kids but my heart pines for one.

My situation is slightly different as I have two older step children - 6 and 7 years older. we are very close and spent weekends and holidays together so are to all intents and purposes when I had my daughter a family of 5 a lot of them time.

when my daughter was born, she fitted in really easily. The challenge has been as the older children have turned into teenagers and my daughter is now 7. They all love each other but the age difference is a challenge. Finding ways to keep them all happy and activities they all like is almost impossible

plus the cost of holidays/activities/meals out is astronomical for families of 5… life seems more centred around families of 4.

I could have died in my last pregnancy and it scared me that I could leave these children without a mum.

Keep telling yourself this every time you feel yourself weakening.
TBH risking your life for another child is simpy unthinkable to me. It's a no brainer. It's not fair on your husband or children.

Do you work?

What does your DH think?

@RampantIvy you are right I do need to remind myself of that fact each time. We have tried for a third and it didn’t work out.

I do work part time and my DH is concerned about my mental health. While we have both agreed logically that we shouldn’t have any more kids we do wonder if it will heal all my scars having a third

Stick at 2.

I went for a 3rd and ended up with twins. I love them all very much obviously, but 2 looks like the ideal set up to me, based on families I know.

You will be able to keep giving them enough attention and will have a family home without actual chaos.

I’m a third too and I second that. Always someone left out.

I also wouldn’t since you mention the difficult pregnancies, bed rest etc.

I think you are selfish, you nearly died during your last pregnancy, and you would likely be hospitalised/out of action if you got pregnant again. Put your children first over your own feelings.

I have to agree with this one too unfortunately.

I’m almost half way through my second pregnancy and it’s been rough, HG, very sick for the first 4 months and on bed rest, and it’s been tough not only for my DH (who has had to be a single parent) but for my 4yo DD too - exactly as described, she’s been clingy, lots of meltdowns, clearly struggling and feeling scared and insecure. Thankfully I am medicated and feeling better now so slowly able to do more with her - having to spend all of my pregnancy like that would do a lot more damage too.

If you know it could be bad, and as you said, you “nearly died last time”, there’s absolutely no way I would consider it.

I would keep trying if you really want a third.

I have 2 DC, and tried for a third while my relationship was failing as I knew it would be my last chance and I was already preparing to go it alone.

Perhaps the growing bundle sensed something was off, as I had my first and only miscarriage at 11 weeks. I deeply miss what would have been my third DC regularly, despite have left my EXDP a couple of months after the miscarriage happened.

I would keep trying if you really want a third.

I that is terrible advice. Did you not read what the OP said about her pregnancy issues - see below?

I will be bed bound for most of the pregnancy with time in hospital and DH a single dad almost.
I could have died in my last pregnancy and it scared me that I could leave these children without a mum.

Risking your life and risking your children losing a mother and a man losing his wife just to "scratch an itch" is really not a sensible thing to do.

I am really risk averse, and there is no way I would do this because the potential cost is too high.