To feel sad for my DD?

[SleepyElephant]

For various reasons, 1 YO DD will probably be an only child. She does have two sets of loving grandparents but one set live 4 hours away so she only sees them 3-4 times a year.

DH and I get on okay with our siblings, but we’re not especially close so although she’ll know her cousins, she’s not going to be best friends with them like you hear a lot of children are.

I think DH and I are feeling the absence of family a bit in our lives the older we get and it’s making me feel so sad for DD. I’m so worried about her being lonely, especially once she reaches adulthood.

I worry that she won’t have many friends growing up (no particular reason for this worry) and then where will she be? She’s only 1 so I know it’s pointless really worrying about all this now, but I do. I just want her to grow up happy, surrounded by people that love her and I’m worried that once she gets to teen/ adulthood, GP’s will no longer be around, she won’t have a particularly close relationship with her aunts/ uncles or cousins and probably no sibling…so who will she have apart from DH and I? 😞

Does anyone have an only that isn’t close to their cousins, or doesn’t have any? Are they lonely, do they yearn for a bigger family?

You don’t no that she won’t end up close to her aunts/uncles/cousins, she won’t be a baby forever, she can forge her own relationships with them when she’s older if she wants. She can join clubs and stuff at school and I’m sure she will do great, there’s nothing wrong with being an only child, it’s not a disadvantage!

I do have two children but my children do not have any cousins and don't see grandparents often. They do have some good, long term friends with people we made friends with during their baby and toddler years. We knew no one locally so I made sure I went to local toddler groups, library sessions and events and got a friendship group that way. That means that if there's a local event we have a group to go with and when things are more fun in groups (like trick or treating) we do it together.

We have one DS, almost 7. We live about 1 hour 30 from both sets of grandparents (in opposite directions). DH and I both come from biggish families, and DS loves his cousins, but they also live miles away (again, in different directions).
But he is popular and sociable. Always at a birthday party or play date. He does football 4 times a week with different groups and has friends from school. We also live on the end of a cul-de-sac, which has children of a similar age to him, and he is always playing out with them.
I would say the biggest drawbacks are that all childcare is ours to manage, so no family support on a day to day basis. Which would be the same issue if he had siblings; and holidays can be hard work for us, as we are the ones always playing with him.
I think there are advantages and disadvantages. We have more money to spend on him and he has a lovely life. I worry that he might be lonely when we are older, but I have 3 siblings and probably only see them 3 or 4 times a year.

I know several only DC and none of them are lonely, AFAIK! I do see the parents of only DC making extra effort with play dates, but once DC are at school they make friends and they don't miss what they've never had. If you give your DC a good life, she won't miss having a sibling. Most DC with siblings aren't that bothered by them anyway. My older DC looks back wistfully on his years as an only DC and I honestly think he'd have been perfectly happy to remain that way.

I asked my DD (11)if she wants someone over tomorrow for a playdate. She said no because she wants to spend some time with just me and to chill. She's not lonely.

Not having a sibling, for me, isn’t really an issue….IF she had a big family around her in terms of lots of aunts/ uncles/ cousins that she was close to and saw all the time. As it is, she only has 2 aunts/ uncles, she has 5 cousins but we only see them a few times a year and they are all at least 5-6 years older than her so, realistically, she’s just not going to be close to them.

It doesn’t help that we live in the type of place where everyone grew up and all have their nuclear and extended families round here too. It’s very unusual round here for people to not have lots of family around them so I guess she’s going to potentially feel it more.

Anyway, nothing we can do but I equally don’t want her or I to come across too desperate for friendships because of the lack of family as it puts too much pressure on friendships and people tend to smell desperation and back off!

Do you have close friends with children? They can be as close as family sometimes.

My friend has virtually no family at all so I act a bit like a surrogate aunt and have always taken a huge interest in them as have a nice relationship with her now adult DD albeit by texts and cards mainly.

If you live sociable lives (which doesn’t have to mean endless parties etc) chances are your DD will do the same. If you live like hermits she’ll find it harder.

I’m an only child and wasn’t close to my wider family growing up. I do have to admit I really wish I had a bigger family or siblings now, and it’s one of the reasons we decided to have a second child so my dd has a sibling. But, growing up I had lots of friends, my parents made sure I did lots of activities, play dates and took my friends on days out and holidays. I wasn’t lonely and I still regularly see my best childhood friends now.

I'm not an only (one older sister), but honestly, not that many people are super-close to their cousins.
Growing up, my nearest cousins lived 2 hours away, and we saw them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. We always had fun playing together then, but were certainly not active participants in each others lives.

The fact that you are aware of this potential issue is a good thing! You'll be making sure she has plenty of playdates etc.

I'm a single parent who is NC with my parents. It's not a problem that they have no extended family and they are very popular. It helps that I live in a family friendly place in the suburbs where they can do stuff like find a quiet field for a kickabout or easily walk to each other's houses to meet up. Older kids walking to school in groups is a very common sight here and something that my kids enjoyed too.

I'm an only. Got close to my cousin when we were older but didn't live near any relatives growing up. My advice is to make sure she mixes with lots of kids of different ages. My church, Sunday school and related activities, was a very good way of me interacting with other kids. But I was often alone - was normal for me. Nothing wrong with that. I loved reading etc. So find activities/invite friends over and she'll learn how to interact with others and make friends.

OP, my dd is an only child. She is actually close to one of her cousins, but we live miles away so it doesn't make much difference to her everyday life. She is always surrounded by friends though... she will never be lonely as she seems to have the gift of connecting with people very easily. I think you're worrying unnecessarily.

Not the same but my DD is not a only but is much younger than her brothers and only has older or much younger boy cousins so essentially she is like a only.
She has a close relationship with her grandma and nana. However she has made long friendships from the two sports she’s heavily involved in (she’s done them from very young) she also has lovely school friends she’s 13 so don’t know what the furore holds but I’m positive she will continue with some of these long term friendships
your DD won’t be lonely get her involved in activities and let her forge her own way.
you sound a lovely mum it’s hard not to worry especially when they are so little

DD is 9 and an only, no cousins, my parents are both dead so just grandparents on DH's side. No aunties or uncles that we're in contact with, so a very small family.

She has loads of friends, went to nursery from 9 months so lots of socialisation with other kids. When she was 5ish we started doing play dates, mainly I'd offer to take other people's kids out for a few hours to a park or softplay which was generally gratefully accepted so easy to arrange and facilitate. Now she's a bit older she'll call in the kids in the street or vice Versa and they play in gardens/bedrooms and eat all the food in the house.

We don't have a big extended family. There one cousin and unfortunately ds and dn dislike each other though hopefully that will change. Only children tend to be more resourceful at play and use to independent play. They also tend to put themselves out there to make friends. Encourage your child esteem and worth and they will be happy with themselves

I'm an only. I moved 200 miles away from my family home at 22. I couldn't pick my cousins out of a lineup and have one DS who has no cousins.

I've got DH, his sister, DH's mum and dad and auntie, my 2 best friends, work colleagues, a couple who live locally we've known 20 years. I really am fine!

You and DH aren't close to your siblings so you already know having siblings isn't some solve, and I wouldn't say 'lots' of kids are close to their cousins. Some are, but often only when they're little and they have no choice in the matter. As you grow up, you go from an open, random selection of people you're physically near to (i.e. at school, in your neighbourhood, relatives) to people you have more in common with (i.e. through specific subjects studied, work, hobbies) and that's how your social group is formed. Some people stay close with their school friends and siblings/cousins, but people tend to find their own groups through partners and people they genuinely connect with. What I'm saying, in a long-winded way, is worrying about it now will make zero difference and your DD will make her way in the world and find her people. You can absolutely open her up to opportunities and facilitate her socialising with lifts to clubs/activities and playdates etc. But beyond that, she'll connect with people or she won't and might not even get her kicks from being with people. Being happy in her own company could be a great gift that someone growing up surrounded by siblings might never get the chance to acquire.

She won’t miss these relationships because she has never had them, so won’t perceive their absence as a loss. Those of us who don’t have big families by birth make family in other ways, as close friends become family in our hearts and we in theirs. Fixating on the absence of something or trying to engineer relationships makes a thing of something that just doesn’t need to be a thing. Your little one won’t know any different and there’s absolutely no reason why she won’t have a happy life full of meaningful connections.

I am an only child, and when I was growing up, I was in contact with more of my blood relations than I am now; some are still friendly but distant, one is still very close.
But I am of the generation who called their parents' friends Auntie or Uncle, and regarded their DC as my cousins, and still regard them as family.
Interestingly enough, I have realised that my two closest friends are only children as well; maybe an element of fellow-feeling there?
I think this situation will become more common as the tradition of staying put for a lifetime in a small, close-knit community becomes increasingly less common, and economic pressures force more couples to limit family size.
If your DD has opportunities to mix with other children, you can encourage her to make the most of them; one of the reasons that I enjoyed Brownies and Guides so much, was that it was a different friendship group, and friends from school and hobbies will find common ground.

I’d focus on creating a family - pick friends to be godparents, make friends with families with kids the same age.

I don't think it's true that there is nothing you can do.

You can facilitate her having more of a relationship with her aunt's/uncles/cousins. A 5/6 year gap is a lot now, but when she's 35 and they're 40 it will be nothing. If your concern is whether she'll be lonely in the very long-term then you need to think long term. The decisions you make now will impact how close she is to her extended family going forward. Do you have any cousins that you're close to or could build a relationship with?

Obviously, if relationships with family are difficult and this isn't possible then look to create a network of good friends for her. Ideally family friends that can be as family for her (easier said than done obviously). As she gets older support her to have close friendships.

You don't know they won't be close later in life. I have 10 cousins on my Dad's side, as a child only saw them once or twice a year, even less so as teenager young adult. However over the past 5 years a cousin and I have bonded over shared health conditions, and now are in contact daily, despite living with 3 hours apart. She is 4 years older with 2 children and I have none. They may not seem close now, but they might draw closer by their own intuition as they become adults

There is really so much more to life than having lots of relatives! Your child will make friends at school, hobbies, local area, uni, work etc etc. She will have a huge choice of people in her life & friends are the most important relationships we can have. We choose these relationships, rather than having them forced upon us. Of course, she might want a more solitary lifestyle but, if not, there is no reason for her to ever be lonely.

DH and I get on okay with our siblings, but we’re not especially close so although she’ll know her cousins, she’s not going to be best friends with them like you hear a lot of children are.

I think DH and I are feeling the absence of family a bit in our lives the older we get.

Perhaps now is the time to try to deepen your bonds with your existing wider family, then? If there’s fundamentally no barrier to your relationship with your siblings - you like them, they’re good people - then why not invest a bit of time and effort in inviting them to do more with you as a family?

She won’t miss what she’s not had, and sometimes planning life around children being friends with cousins and siblings doesn’t always work out. My DM has a sibling 14 years
older than her, and a sibling just 18 months younger. Mum was a later in life shock to my grandmother, who then promptly had another “so she would have a wee pal”. They can’t stand each other. Have hated one another since childhood all the way to being pensioners themselves. Meanwhile she’s good mates with her older sibling despite a huge gap. The gap between your DD and her older cousins will narrow with age. Just make sure she has social opportunities. There’s a lot of advantages to being one and done as well as drawbacks - more money for hobbies, holidays, she can bring a friend on weekends away etc as most family deals involve paying for two kids anyway. Focus on the positives :)