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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change friends Birthday plans

58 replies

SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 08:54

Hello,

I have messed up and double booked myself!

Agreed to go for lunch with a friend next Sunday as their birthday is mid week but I totally forgot that I am meant to be at a music festival and food tasting event the same day! Already paid for months ago! Not sure how I got the dates so messed up, for some reason I thought the festival was next month!

Not sure what to do - me and birthday friend haven't booked anywhere yet or spoken about it for a little while but I still feel guilty!

However, I can't really afford to loose the money I paid for this festival either! (60 quid)

What would you do? Feeling like a shitty friend.

I think birthday friend is going to be super pissed off, even if I ask if we can move it to another day.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/06/2023 09:51

Switch it to Saturday, and just be like "well it means less sleeps till we hang out win win!" She sounds a bit like a child so treat her like one. Just be beezy and don't react then she can't kick off.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 04/06/2023 09:52

SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 09:09

I thought of this but she doesn't like one of my other friends who is going.

Actually physically attacked me and her in 2017.

I forgave her, this friend did not.

Birthday friend claimed she was spiked and has no memory of the incident.

Show quote history

WTAF?! You need to learn from your festival friend’s example and set some boundaries with this person. She sounds genuinely awful.

Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 09:53

Newgirls · 04/06/2023 09:44

Ah so she’ll kick off because you are going to a fun event that she isn’t welcome at. I can see why you are worried.

you could text her with alternative dates so soften the blow and the leave it with her.

she should have aologised to your other friend a long time ago.

yeah although to be fair, the others at the festival probably wouldn't care too much if she was there. They are all pretty easy going - even friend who didn't forgive her likely would just remain civil but it would be uncomfortable.

Birthday friend wouldn't be nice to her though because she is extremely offended that other friend didn't forgive her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 09:54

She has a habit of making herself a victim in every situation, despite her role in it sadly.

I have overlooked a lot over the years as she has been a good friend in other areas.

But yes, i think her reaction to this will probably pave the way to how our friendship continues (or not)

OP posts:
icanflysometimes · 04/06/2023 09:56

I think it depends.

I have a friend who lives alone and would be really looking forward to lunch at the weekend with me for her birthday as it would be her main celebration. I would lose the £60 for her and never mention the other plan.

I have another friend who is a very sociable person, lunch with me would be one of many birthday celebrations and she'd probably just slot someone else in that day. I'd feel a lot less bad about letting her down.

As for the 'I can't afford to lose £60'. Well you have spent it already so it's lost already, it is just about whether you get to go to the event.

Testina · 04/06/2023 10:02

“I thought of this but she doesn't like one of my other friends who is going.

Actually physically attacked me and her in 2017.

I forgave her, this friend did not.”

Your friend is sensible, you are not!
She sounds like high maintenance trash.
Cancel the meet and be glad that the inevitable sulk allows you to distance yourself.

Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 10:14

icanflysometimes · 04/06/2023 09:56

I think it depends.

I have a friend who lives alone and would be really looking forward to lunch at the weekend with me for her birthday as it would be her main celebration. I would lose the £60 for her and never mention the other plan.

I have another friend who is a very sociable person, lunch with me would be one of many birthday celebrations and she'd probably just slot someone else in that day. I'd feel a lot less bad about letting her down.

As for the 'I can't afford to lose £60'. Well you have spent it already so it's lost already, it is just about whether you get to go to the event.

Not her only celebration - she is seeing another friend on her actual birthday and is going to London with her mum.

Also going out for a meal with her dad (separated from her mum)

I have messaged her, hopefully it will be fine

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 04/06/2023 10:36

SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 10:14

Not her only celebration - she is seeing another friend on her actual birthday and is going to London with her mum.

Also going out for a meal with her dad (separated from her mum)

I have messaged her, hopefully it will be fine

Show quote history

I wouldn't worry then, hopefully she's not crazy over it but as others have said she sounds more hassle than she's worth

gamerchick · 04/06/2023 10:46

I'd have the row me. She sounds like too much hard work.

Physically attacked you? Wtf man!

RedHelenB · 04/06/2023 10:47

Turnthelightoff · 04/06/2023 08:57

You’ve made an honest mistake but the sooner you tell your friend the sooner she can make another plan. It might be good to give her a firm rescheduled plan where you say can you do a particular date and location.

This.

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:50

OP have you cancelled on her or had to change plans on her before? When you say she is sulky it made me wonder if it's because you do it a lot. I get annoyed with friends who have form for letting me down too but I'd never be sulky with someone for a genuine one-off mistake.

some people seem to be wired differently when it comes to sticking to plans.

did you have these things both in your diary for months OP? did you book the festival after you made the lunch plans?

If you can't do the meet up with your friend on that day then you need to let her know asap so she can potentially make other plans as chances are she's kept the day free for you. Or you may have lucked out and she's forgotten!

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:52

If she's a sulky friend then that's something to consider generally but I must say it doesn't look great that you've made a mistake and you're already being quite negative about her (and from what I gather she hasn't even responded yet).

Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 10:53

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:50

OP have you cancelled on her or had to change plans on her before? When you say she is sulky it made me wonder if it's because you do it a lot. I get annoyed with friends who have form for letting me down too but I'd never be sulky with someone for a genuine one-off mistake.

some people seem to be wired differently when it comes to sticking to plans.

did you have these things both in your diary for months OP? did you book the festival after you made the lunch plans?

If you can't do the meet up with your friend on that day then you need to let her know asap so she can potentially make other plans as chances are she's kept the day free for you. Or you may have lucked out and she's forgotten!

Nope, never, as she has form for kicking off about everything and anything, hence why I'm worried.

The festival was booked ages ago, I've gotten the dates mixed up.

Birthday friend mentioned lunch a couple of weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 10:55

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:52

If she's a sulky friend then that's something to consider generally but I must say it doesn't look great that you've made a mistake and you're already being quite negative about her (and from what I gather she hasn't even responded yet).

yes I suppose I am - the situation has made me think about whether continuing the friendship is right for me as there is a lot more cons and whether I should have forgiven the assault from 2017 - then fact I'm still this wary of her has given me a lot of food for thought

OP posts:
FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:55

Then honestly just consider whether you want to be friends with her and act on that rather than blaming her for being annoying at your mistake.

Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 10:58

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 10:55

Then honestly just consider whether you want to be friends with her and act on that rather than blaming her for being annoying at your mistake.

blaming her for my mistake? I don't think I have done that, I have just said I am worried about telling her.

Feels like you are projecting a bit as you've had friends do this to you

OP posts:
FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 11:02

I'm not projecting at all. I asked whether she gets "sulky" because you cancel a lot and you've said no which is fine but you have called her sulky before anything has happened so it doesn't sound like you like her very much.

SimonsCow · 04/06/2023 11:02

Sulking is only effective if the person you are giving the cold shoulder to gives a shit. Don’t chase her or reply to any guilt trips.

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 11:03

And I meant blaming her for being annoyed for your mistake - as in if she's annoyed will it because she has form for being annoyed?

Anyway I hope it works out

Original poster
SweetStrawberrie · 04/06/2023 11:04

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 11:02

I'm not projecting at all. I asked whether she gets "sulky" because you cancel a lot and you've said no which is fine but you have called her sulky before anything has happened so it doesn't sound like you like her very much.

Because she has form, very much so, for kicking off if things do not go exactly her way.

I think this has made me realise that perhaps it's not a good friendship

OP posts:
WhatADrabCarpet · 04/06/2023 11:06

I would not remain friends with anyone who physically attacked me.

FerretFarm · 04/06/2023 11:08

WhatADrabCarpet · 04/06/2023 11:06

I would not remain friends with anyone who physically attacked me.

Agree!

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/06/2023 11:12

Well she's either going to get over it or die mad. At least she can't sulk at you over text. In her shoes I would reschedule and make sure I had some treat to compensate on Sunday but perhaps she enjoys getting mad with people and being a martyr and that is her treat. It is unfortunate but you can't reschedule a whole festival and a reasonable person would understand that.

ladymaiasura · 04/06/2023 11:23

It’s an honest mistake. You are giving plenty of notice and haven’t even booked anywhere. If she gets pissed off at this I’d be questioning the friendship!

1offnamechange · 04/06/2023 11:32

icanflysometimes · 04/06/2023 09:56

I think it depends.

I have a friend who lives alone and would be really looking forward to lunch at the weekend with me for her birthday as it would be her main celebration. I would lose the £60 for her and never mention the other plan.

I have another friend who is a very sociable person, lunch with me would be one of many birthday celebrations and she'd probably just slot someone else in that day. I'd feel a lot less bad about letting her down.

As for the 'I can't afford to lose £60'. Well you have spent it already so it's lost already, it is just about whether you get to go to the event.

I never get this rationale (the bit about money already being lost once you've spent it regardless of whether you then get what you bought or not)
If I drop £60 in the street that's completely different to spending £60 on food that I then eat!
I doubt if you bought £60 worth of clothes online and they never got delivered you'd just shrug and say "Oh well I've got used to not having that £60 either way."
Spending £60 for a festival that you then go to is in no way 'lost' it's the normal action of paying for something you then receive, completely different to spending it and then not going!

OP I think it's probably right that you're reconsidering this friendship
tbf I did think when you mentioned the assault it was nice of assaulted friend to be so forgiving - I'd be a bit unhappy if someone beat me up and a friend who witnessed it carried on seeing them tbh. Yes it's hard for you being in the middle but I can't imagine seeing a good friend get hurt and wanting to carry on hanging out with the person who hurt them.